Conflicted
this was just supposed to be a last ditch effort before I killed myself. No emotional attachment. Just trying to help one person before I died. I am now emotionally attached she's 17 and it would have to be a long distance relationship both go against my personal rules for dating someone. the under 18 bit is normally understandable and well she will be 18 soon. I just don't know if I can handle the long distance thing. I get paranoid, overprotective, and jealous way too easily for it. Then there is the issue of her boyfriend. dude seems like he can be nice when he wants to be but he cheated on her he makes her eat when she doesn't want to and she can't talk to him because her trust has been violated also he has a thing for making her feel guilty when she cuts or purges. I could make an effort to get her out of there but that feels pretty shady.
I envy the dudes close proximity to her and wish so many times I could just hug her, cuddle with her, and be there for her. I can only do so much through texting and I often feel it isn't enough. maybe if I can get my act together... no I might have to just stomach and bear it and hope she can find another guy that she can fall in love with that is kind, loving and probably most importantly someone she can talk to even if it tears me up inside. God I want to cut so bad right now. all these conflicting thoughts are making me go insane. The strings of possible events, there's too many of them. Even the most likely scenarios have way too many different outcomes.
On the other hand, I smile every time my phones green light shows up showing she texted me. She makes my heart skip a beat every time that happens. she takes my breath away whenever she sends me a pic saying she is fat(she really isn't) just because she is that beautiful. i want to hold her, hug her, kiss her, tell her it's going to be ok, protect her from from all the pain in the world and comfort her when she needs it. she has a huge heart that would drop everything to reply to me when i am in a crisis.She seems to be the only one that gets me on a deeper level.
My head is a mess right now. my heart knows what it wants to do but my brain is just screaming at me to watch out or you'll get hurt again. I am just so lost right now
I envy the dudes close proximity to her and wish so many times I could just hug her, cuddle with her, and be there for her. I can only do so much through texting and I often feel it isn't enough. maybe if I can get my act together... no I might have to just stomach and bear it and hope she can find another guy that she can fall in love with that is kind, loving and probably most importantly someone she can talk to even if it tears me up inside. God I want to cut so bad right now. all these conflicting thoughts are making me go insane. The strings of possible events, there's too many of them. Even the most likely scenarios have way too many different outcomes.
On the other hand, I smile every time my phones green light shows up showing she texted me. She makes my heart skip a beat every time that happens. she takes my breath away whenever she sends me a pic saying she is fat(she really isn't) just because she is that beautiful. i want to hold her, hug her, kiss her, tell her it's going to be ok, protect her from from all the pain in the world and comfort her when she needs it. she has a huge heart that would drop everything to reply to me when i am in a crisis.She seems to be the only one that gets me on a deeper level.
My head is a mess right now. my heart knows what it wants to do but my brain is just screaming at me to watch out or you'll get hurt again. I am just so lost right now
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