complicated and sad

This person just seems like a dead end, and yet I keep wanting to go that way.  I feel like I’ve already explored that road and found out there was nothing interesting, nothing good, that I didn’t want to stay there.  Yet something keeps drawing me back there.   I have been starting to feel lonely yet I don’t want socialize really.  When I do socialize, I end up liking it and feeling confident and comfortable, it just seems fake though, even if we are being genuine.  Exchanging positive energy and having thoughtful conversation is cool, but I would rather be alone most of the time.    I miss certain friends, I keep in contact with a lot people, a lot of friends from when I was on the road.  Those are the friends I would want to hang out with, people who just let it all hang out. 

Today I woke up and got a little stoned while drinking my coffee.  Then I started to cry and cry and it felt better than not crying.  I want to drink.  I thought about it for the first time in a few weeks.  I just want to calm myself.  I am really upset at this boyfriend of mine because he is this way. It is such a complicated story.  The point is though I love him, we have an unspoken connection and I feel comfortable around him and want to help him and have him be with me.  But he turns around and acts like a monster.  And the fact remains, I do not know who he is and he has suspicious behavior concerning this.  So what am I to do?  My rational mind knows it is a dead end.  I tried many times and results come up negative—doesn’t work for me, doesn’t make me feel good or happy at the end of the day usually.   It’ not fair someone can go around like him, hurting good people.  My last boyfriend was like this too.  They almost had split personalities that were so opposite—one side so affectionate and kind and open and the other side condescending, shady and dangerous.  At least be more consistent.  If you are shady, don’t be charming and kind.  Just be whatever.  It’s like I feel in love with and Angel and  Demon. 

Today my friend invited to this farm where these cool expats live.  I actually wrote some stuff for their website about yerba mate, and all I asked for was my own stash of mate from them.  Mate is awesome.  However, today I just feel so stuck and icky and I don’t want to see anyone.  The guy I have been in contact with for the website actually seems really cool and my friend says he’s hot, and I already have a little internet crush on him. We seem to share common interests, and he is from Sweden…. But that is freaking me out.  When I am attracted to someone it freaks me out.  And the internet attraction thing freaks me out to, I don’t want to meet someone already thinking I have a crush on them.  I guess anyone I genuinely think is cool usually intimidates me and makes me feel like I want to hide kind of.  I feel on the spot and I hate that feeling.  I know I’m doing it to myself and overthinking shit right now.  I know it would be a good thing if I went with my friends today, but my heart and body just don’t want to go today.  I guess I want to wallow, even though my brain tells me that is the wrong thing to do.  My brain tells me that going to this farm will most likely make me feel much much better.  UGH.  Hopefully this passes, I feel so ambivalent and nihilistic, not so much desperate as just deflated and gray.   SIGH.