Compassion
I know I am not supposed to compare grief, loss...but since I lost my child, and survived...I seem to have no patience or compassion for anyone other than other parents going through the same thing. This is the worst thing that could happen to a mother...I used to be a good listener, everyone came to me with their problems...I actually believed I had a gift from God, I loved helping others. Now...I have quite a different perspective. Thank God people don't come to me very often any more with problems...but when they do, I want to throat punch them. I stare at someone talking to me about some inane "problem" and fantasize about terribly painful ways to demonstrate their need to wake up, get their head out of their ass, and be grateful for their blessings...we all have them, blessings...the most precious being our children. After the pain of losing a child, I truly don't care about your fight with your boyfriend...when someone starts rambling about their relatively minor inconveniences, I have started looking them in the eye, staring intently until they get the point, and shut up, and then I state, "My only child, the love of my life, committed suicide...now what exactly do you have to complain about?" Tends to shock them, force them to look at things from a different perspective...because truly, unless you are a parent, especially a mother, that has lost a child...you don't know what true agony, devastating pain is. We know pain, we try to forge on, day in and day out...we are warriors.
Replies
As shocking as it must be for them to hear you speak YOUR reality, the fact of the matter is that they have no idea what true unspeakable pain, loss, grief or \"problems\" consist of. My hat is off to you for having the balls to speak up!!! I know I would\'ve loved to speak up when I had the chance but didn\'t have the balls. I wish I did.
Compare away! When you are faced, as we all have been, with the most devastating, horrendous and unthinkable tragedy known to mankind it really puts other \"life events\" in perspective doesn\'t it? Loosing the human trait of compassion (at least for a little while) is normal. I think it\'s our way of shielding ourselves and at the same time, screaming, even on the inside, about the level of pain that we are in.
I have lost a lot of my ability to be compassionate as well. My level of patience and tolerance have been replaced with anger and disbelief. Maybe one day they will return, I don\'t know.
You are not alone in your true agony. No, no one, other than another mother who has experienced what you and I have has even the slightest idea what we are living with, and for that I am grateful.
Tight hugs, gentle breezes and a moment of peace...
Merrilee
I know I had no patience for anyone who complained about their kids. I wanted to scream at them \"At least you can still hug yours\". I learned to do a lot of just walking away. Still do at times. Hugs, Ann
Oh dear Gina! I understand!. I knew parents who lost a child before my own son died and I suspect I am guilty of not having a clue. But yea. I remember early on, co-workers talking to me about how their grandparent died etc. I had a terrible time even following where they were going with this at first. In time, I came to a realization that every person has what is the greatest loss of their life, whether it be their childhood cat (yes, one girl once told me she understood because she lost her cat of 18 years) or their grandparent or whoever. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not expect them to ever understand the magnitude of losing a child and that their greatest loss might not be exactly what mine was, but it was theirs. Yep, of course we know they have NO idea what the greatest loss is and we hope they never do. In time, you will tolerate them. For now, baby steps and we do understand when others try to talk to you about their problems. We have learned how trivial some trials in life really are and how we can fix them. What happened to us can never be fixed.
Peace.
I too understand. I am a nurse and worked with patients with Dementia. Most were elderly. I had to really leave my problems at the door after Lisa died as supporting families was a huge part of my job. I supported my friend through her mother\'s death. I don\'t know how I would have coped if it had been shortly after Lisa died, because I was like you - I just wanted to strangle people.
I am mellowing but I still don\'t have patience with petty whining.
We definitely have experienced a loss like no other.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Gina, I am the same way. I have little tolerance for the petty stuff people whine about. My son passed away in September 2009. That year, right before Christmas a family member said to me, \"I\'m so stressed. I have so much to buy for Christmas. Aren\'t you stressed about money for Christmas? \" Well, I lost it! II said, \"Are you kidding me with this? My only child just died and you\'re complaining about buying gifts for your kids?!\" She got very quiet...
I am a bit better about other\'s losses, and have become more mellow over time. But it is the truth. No one knows what this torment is like. No mother should have to bury their child. Tight hugs of understanding. Love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
I agree with you so very much. A 92 year old mother or a cat or dog is truly not the same as losing our children. I don\'t want others to know this as we do, but why are they so stupid with their comments. It still blows my mind now 8 and 3 years into this horror. I have no patience or compassion for them. I just try to get away from the situation and of course they deal with the depression that comes over me. Life sucks....xoxoxo
Guilty here too....on both sides. Before, I\'m sure I said some very stupid and disrespectful things to those grieving. And after, early on, I too wanted to punch many a folk who said stupid things to me.
Like you, I have always been one that others seem to just naturally come to for advice or to bounce ideas off, and yes to share their pain and sorrows, hoping to give love and comfort. But after Kala\'s accident I had little to no tolerance for their \"little\" struggles because all I could see was my HUGE, devastating one.
As time has passed I can honestly say I can now listen in LOVE energy to the plights of others, no matter how small they seem to ME. Because truth is, to them, in that moment, it is a big deal.
I \"hope\" I can lovingly lead those who are complaining about truly stupid, non issues, toward recognition of just how unimportant some things are...without punching anyone in the process!! LOL!
When my best friends dog died recently, I cried with her...and I ached for her. Just as she cried with and ached for me when Kala left earth. No, not the same level of pain or grief, but she was hurting tremendously, and she deserved my FULL compassion and heart.
My biggest challenge is with people who truly believe their broken finger nail IS as big a loss as my Kala! Those are the ones I still want to punch!! But I have no problem with those who truly are suffering THEIR biggest loss....no matter how it pales in comparison to losing a child.
You will walk through this my friend and you will find you have MORE compassion and energy to give others. But for today, take care of YOU and YOUR healing....and don\'t punch anyone!!!
Love ya girl!!!
Only 2 weeks had gone by and my sister called with ... the dog dies and I know what you are going through; right,, my own sister,,, ha! I was the one with the listening ear,,, yes, me too,,, I listen now again but my sympathy has changed,,,,, and I am thankful I only listen to very few peeps problems... you are important,,,, you matter to all the moms here,,,, keep taking baby steps and breathe.... I have days I still do that after 4 years.. love ya!
I hear you and I understand. But let me tell you this \"story\": my daughter had everything, a beautiful home to live in, a devoted mother, a father with deep pockets, brains, creativity, and all the material things she wanted (and she never wanted much), and she also suffered and thought there was \"no place for me on this earth\". Now, that might be seen as whining, as self pity, especially in the face of the death of a loved one. What it really was: devastating mental illness. The reason she ended her life. So when people write (journal or message) their loneliness and devastation and pain, I take it seriously and I try to help. You can\'t see beyond the mask people wear. One sort of grief cannot be compared with another since, sooner or later, everyone grieves. I know how to *stop* people cold by telling them my reality, and I have done it. But I also know that I have a responsibility now, to God, to share the great Love He is pouring out on me. Why else am I still alive? I can think of no other purpose. You have a right to be angry and I felt the same way you do at this early stage on your journey, but it will change. Every heartbreak matters, God bless you.
I totally agree!!! I have the same feelings. In the first few months after my Robert passed, I would come across people that would just go on and on about their problems. Most didn\'t know about my son and I didn\'t feel the need to enlighten them. But I, too, wanted to just punch them in the face. This is a horrible journey we Mother\'s travel and only another Mother who has lost a child could understand.
You are not supposed to have patience at this time. Every ounce of your life force energy needs to be for your healing.
I don\'t remember when it was on this path, yet I do remember saying to my sister that I needed her to talk about her sons. (She has two) and was only sharing about her daughter I knew because she didn\'t want to cause me any added hurt. I told her I needed to hear about them and what she was going through needed a heart with ears. She didn\'t even realize on a conscious level that she had been doing that and I extended an invitation to engage me once again because I was now ready. This did not happen right away so know that how you are feeling is needed for now and that when and if it ever changes that is okay too.
I also think that others are just trying to find a way to relate to us so if they can share a loss they are building a bridge... a way to reach us and a way for us to reach them... Only when and if we are ready...
Gentle care dearest Gina and so very grateful you can share these heartfelt feelings and know that I had them too. I just could not carry anything from anyone as my load was great. Soon it lessened because as dear Sarah (hearts and hands) wrote in her last journal, I became stronger.
With you and understanding,
XO Joanie
I remember feeling the same for a long time. I had to force myself at times to put on that smile and show my care and concern for others problems. Some times I will admit, I had to \"fake\" it. It takes a long time, but as we gradually heal we can open our hearts more to the trials of others no matter how \"trivial\" they seem. Each of us are blessed and we really don\'t want others to have to face the hardships we have. We pray others see their blessings without them. Love to you. Robin
So true, about having to steel ourselves, and put up with others complaining about what, to us, is merely an \"annoyance\" at best-- in comparison to what WE have endured
Love, Donna
I\'m with you too. I used to be a really nice, sympathetic person. Perhaps I will be some day again as will you. But, most likely not. There is no loss like what we have experienced. Maybe 10 years from now, we will have an easier time empathizing with others. In the meantime, that\'s not happening and good for you for speaking your truth.
I feel the same way as you do when I am out all I see is mothers with their daughters this mother and daughter were having an argument I thought you should treasure the time you have and stop caring about petty bs I wish for just one second I could have Chels back I would relax and cherish every moment I would lighten up like she use to say all the stuff I use to care about is all just gone I don\'t even remember what it was. I am on the same page as you. who cares about petty problems try a walk in my shoes.