communication and desire
I have been coming kind of clear about myself lately.
I've been realizing how some people react to me - and come to me
for something they want emotionally or want my attention and I found
myself cringing away from a couple of folks. Not very good I say especially
as I am a priest and it is my job to serve. But I thought about it - and I also
ask things from my friends and family and community - and so I tried to be
more generous towards those I cringe away from - we all want something
I've heard said - and now I am understanding it for myself and the relationships
around me. I have to be responsible for the people here and so knowing the 'uncomfortable making thing' it's simply
'something they want from me and in life' is something that helps me make the leap into action
and be responsible about them too - along with the others who I see have just as much need
as me or the next guy. Wanting to know 'where you stand' and sort of your footing in a conversation
is also coming clear to me - that I see in some others (including myself.) It's helpful.
Rather than existing in the right - or asserting my own vanity of mind - I'm realizing that for me
my work is about communication....everything I do - the way I meet others on an equal plateau or
where they are or where I am - it's a communication.
From doing my own art, I have realized that to communicate with my viewers, I have to create something
that is accessible in some kind of way - with image or pattern - something tangibly accessible and yet
then I draw them in to the make all of my own personal expressions within the work.
Desire and communication.. not power or vanity - but knowing I am doing both helps me
get on my way.
Replies
this post kind of gave me a view onto the system here at the monastery.
the Eldress and the abbess always trying to communicate with me or the others
in the precise way we each need it or like it - it's a lot to take care of that
they're and we're all dealing with. Everyone here wants different things - but
we're thrown together or have gathered together in this union - where there is
much exigence and emphasis on the rules and living a christian and meaningful life.
A life of the mind perhaps.
It feels like I have learned what I needed to learn here - it kind of beats me
down a bit being in the hierarchy - and I have been feeling more realistic, if a bit down , about myself.
I feel ready to go and make my way in the world - not really sure yet - but February
has really bloomed something in me - a result I mentally aimed for that has come
true. Things are good. I'm getting better at not taking things on to be 'about me' how others
handle me - i do not have to change for them- it's all filed under a kind of 'matter of fact.'
Again things are good.
As crazy as this sounds I’ve been wanting to find a way to relate to everyone I think (maybe as Christ has) and so perhaps I’m learning just to relate just in the honesty of being me in the humanistic way and not necessarily his for acknowledging how we all just are in the world. We’re all just people who want different things and are dealing with different things.
maybe accepting 'me' and 'you' is my outlook and can be seen as a form of faith -
and my desire maybe for the center of attention (blindly) has me learning that I must
put that kind of perspective on the shelf when evaluating certain social situations.
I am relating more to each other's strengths as being an influencing factor -
and my own resolve yet humility - for my own weaknesses.
I’ve been writing a lot the past two days
and I realize that it seems I'm ever needy for more.
The funny thing is, I know I have to give that to myself...
like a kid - give myself the activity that fills my quiet and alone time.
As adult - with different pressures and emphasis - I turned to
journaling and study etc.. which really seems to have become a compulsion
- the different emphasis in adult life can derail me from this simple
solution of giving myself activity - so I will - it really makes me laugh
a bit at how simple it is - I have been so needy with others - with no way of
filling me up - and now I realize, though I've tried, that the need will never
totally go away - and these activities for my inner curious need -are just
what the doctor ordered.
Big hug Marky
I think that you're trying to work out what's best for you and your future in a wise, methodical way
Journaling is a great way to get your thoughts and feelings out and help work out what you need to
I've had a couple of pdocs recommend it to me as well...xo
Thanks Janet!!
Mark, I really appreciated reading this. What you’re describing feels very honest and very human.
I’ve worked in a place where I stood in the middle of a hierarchy, pressure from above, pressure from below, and it can wear on you. It takes a lot of energy to be the one others look to for something, especially when you’re also trying to figure out what you need yourself.
What stood out to me was your awareness. Not cringing away in shame, but noticing it and understanding it. To me, that's growth. I also smiled when you wrote about giving yourself what you’ve been looking for from others. That’s a big realization. We all want connection, and affirmation. Learning to give some of that to ourselves is a sign of maturity.
And your line about communication being your work, that resonated. Meeting people where they are without losing where you are, that’s not easy and it takes strength.
And sometimes writing a lot really is “just what the doctor ordered" because the mirror helps us see straight....hugs
Thanks Bob!
I wrote this tonight, reflecting on the whole day!! Xx
The monastery is good for me in a lot of ways. I want to live with fellowship, safety and community and this definitely ticks those boxes. It’s overwhelming structure in some ways but I’m also kind of important here and they care about me and it’s very forgiving. I’m kind of bungling but I try my best and they appreciate me. It’s also tense and full of friction as to be expected with all adults living in a very precise and demanding environment in terms of discipline. But I have to say, it’s a job I can do and they are very forgiving. I’m starting to learn how to occupy my time when alone. I literally imagine I’m 6 years old and give myself a creative crafty thing to do. It’s a thing that is so simple but has eluded my tool kit until now. Ideally I would live in a place of my own in my desire but I find just being in the outside world really makes my confidence and passions soar.
That’s a worry to me because I don’t always think of the pragmatic when that happens. I fear doing stupid stuff
Do you think I’m getting sucked into thinking I’m not capable and worthy of anything else or do you think I’m making good thoughts here? I think that’s for me to decide and answer.
I’ll continue to look for work. I think working for an income would really give me some good perspective.
I saw Prince William talk about how we’re all looking for approval. I understand that and think I am letting that reality stymie me in my path.
It’s time for me to do something for someone else. The holy vicar who lives here, his boyfriend is moving back to Greece. He’s a pain in the butt but he’s reaching out to me now and it’s real important for me to take him out somewhere like a museum or concert or just coffee. That’s my immediate investment in the community here. I am also going to try and do a charity walk for society out there. I need to do both. Things are good. I’m very lucky. We all are very lucky
Markus I have been absent from DS but always around in spirit.
You often have conflicting emotions about work that is insular and work “out there” and I just want to say you aren’t alone in those feelings. Whether a monastery or not, many of us all want to feel we are making an impact and doing “good work” but know that the world “out there” can make that feel futile.
I am going through a lot of navigating growing pains where I am in a place of battling conflicts and negotiating troubling situations with nowhere else to turn……
But the good work can always remain true and very much a strength when facing challenges. I don’t know if that helps at all - just thoughts checking in today.
Thanks Nikki! Thanks for the encouragement. It makes sense. I am so sorry you’re in a painful position. I find myself at odds with my natural desires and yet also know the roles and standards I am meant to live up to.(i am in.) I think I’ve found new respect for that in my respect and regard for folks everywhere’ in life. It’s important to live in the day but keep grounded for good behavior.. I find the world of my work here and opportunities out there for positive action melding now, because my attitude is changing and I see myself at the same time both here and there if that makes sense, because I am me !:) Indeed the good work can continue Nikki! You are strong and you are you!! :) ((HUG))
It can seem that dutiful behavior and the fear of impropriety can lead us to places where others vibe on the same kind of details. Knowing that can also beef up my sense of ownership and agency for what actions and realms I can enact those in. I'm really sorry this is so crazy - enough said "I am understanding my nature, which is human nature and I have felt so out of control about it in the past - so caught up in others' designs and not knowing how I got into that position.' I am knowing my role in life's survival and the social conscience and agency to do good work where I work and live and in life all around. I’m really sorry your going through discomfort but I hope you are negotiating your vision to a happy compromise in the issues you are facing right now. That's something I wish for myself too. I really appreciate your affirmation! You're an inspiration!!
Sorry for my crazy language, I hope it makes sense.