Cocktail (med, not bloody mary)
I'm so effing tired of taking medication. I'm glad i gave up BCPs a long time ago, although if i were to get pregnant I'd stand climb a phone pole in a lightning storm.
Maybe it was to make me feel better, but my Pdoc told me yesterday that he believes that my prognosis is good and that he believes that I will eventually be off meds altogether (I think that might be going too far. they'd have to cut off my ativan along with my arm. I was anxiety-prone in the womb, no doubt). he believes that everyone could potentially go off meds (I assume he's not including folks with very problematic psychotic symptoms). Said I'm not a bad person, but a good person who's been pushed to do "bad things." OK. I mean, i've come to that conclusion a number of times, although I occasionally suspect that I'm satan's spawn. I've never intentionally hurt a soul, however. I don't even kill bugs. I love my psychiatrist, though (not in a weird transferential way) because he's psychoanalytically trained and very smart. And he sat with me a full hour for the 1/2 hour rate. But as smart as he is, he still hasn't figured out my diagnos(es). All the things I've suspected, "covert" BP, anxiety, ADD/ADHD, and "axis 2" as he puts it (heaven forbid he labels me with BPD). It's hard, I know...I elude categorization (as many of us do). But the session gave me the tiniest bit of hope, and fueled my fantasy that one day I could be sitting by a window at sunset, furiously typing away at my latest novel, completely free from meds--not hiding from my significantly moderated "symptoms," but instead benefiting from them.
Maybe it was to make me feel better, but my Pdoc told me yesterday that he believes that my prognosis is good and that he believes that I will eventually be off meds altogether (I think that might be going too far. they'd have to cut off my ativan along with my arm. I was anxiety-prone in the womb, no doubt). he believes that everyone could potentially go off meds (I assume he's not including folks with very problematic psychotic symptoms). Said I'm not a bad person, but a good person who's been pushed to do "bad things." OK. I mean, i've come to that conclusion a number of times, although I occasionally suspect that I'm satan's spawn. I've never intentionally hurt a soul, however. I don't even kill bugs. I love my psychiatrist, though (not in a weird transferential way) because he's psychoanalytically trained and very smart. And he sat with me a full hour for the 1/2 hour rate. But as smart as he is, he still hasn't figured out my diagnos(es). All the things I've suspected, "covert" BP, anxiety, ADD/ADHD, and "axis 2" as he puts it (heaven forbid he labels me with BPD). It's hard, I know...I elude categorization (as many of us do). But the session gave me the tiniest bit of hope, and fueled my fantasy that one day I could be sitting by a window at sunset, furiously typing away at my latest novel, completely free from meds--not hiding from my significantly moderated "symptoms," but instead benefiting from them.
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