Christmas crisis
I know it's not just me, it's all of us, but it feels like it's just me sometimes, all alone in my sorrow. For some reason this, the third Christmas without my child has hit me the hardest.
Always learning though...it hit me like a ton a bricks a couple of days ago. I had posted on facebook how holidays are reminders to some of us of what we have lost. My clueless mother responded, but it brings us happiness to know what we still have to be gratefull for. I haven't spoken to her since then, I don't even want to see her for Christmas. She simply CAN'T just let me be...LET me be sad, let me express it, without trying to undermine it with pointing out what I still have to be grateful for or worse, sending me religious memes, implying that if ONLY I would JUST turn it over to GOD, HE would take care of me. In my anger and frustration I realised that I had felt, if not said, similiar things to mothers with other children. Yes, I still have my husband, other family members, close friends, but I don't have Cassi. I wish I had other children, but no other child could take the place of Cassi. If I have made any of you feel undermined in your grief by pointing out your other children or grandchildren, PLEASE, PLEASE know it was not my intent, it was my envy and ignorance and a huge mistake that I will not make again. Loss is loss.
We can support each other...but in a way, we all grieve alone...so sad.
Replies
Our society really has put a lot into the "being grateful" for "everything" box and you know what?! Sometimes we need to be able to feel sad, to vent, to question, to feel the anger, to feel cheated at the loss of the dreams for our children, for us as their parents. It's okay and needs to be because there is nothing worse than releasing what's in our hearts and then following up that moment with, "But I have so much to be grateful for." Said mostly because guilt comes in and we fear being a horrible and ungrateful person to not feel "grateful" for the worst loss a mother and father could ever have to live with and through.
Gina, what you said about feeling envy for those who still have children is okay and perfectly natural. Of course you feel that way and I feel that way around mothers who have more than one child earth side because their children still have a sibling and mine does not and it's okay when that comes into my heart. It is not a mistake to express what you feel and I took no offense with that statement, truly I did not.
I really like what Ann M. wrote in her response to her cousin about trying to find ways in which to offer all the love that she has just for Daren now that he is no longer earth side. It really has had me pondering and I believe every mother here is wondering the same thing??? What do I do with ALL this love that I have for this child or children that are no longer with me in their earth suits. All this love that you have for Cassi, is begging for a way to find expression and this becomes our work, I believe.
No matter how we find ways in which to navigate these days they still can take my breath away. There are moments where I simply cannot believe that my Douglas isn't here and it's been eight plus years for me. I was trying to explain this in an email to my sister and I said it's not about being "stuck" it's about the longing and the sheer agony at times of MISSING my son and how filleted my heart can feel. I'm not sure why I do it, yet just like Ann with her cousin, I feel called to teach and to inform others that even though I would never wish this on them, they do need to try to imagine as best as they can. Saying, "I can't imagine" does not bring comfort, yet saying, "I'm imagining this to the best of my ability, at least brings a place where our hearts can find some common ground and hopefully connect.
I'm with you, Gina, as well as all the other moms and I always appreciate your vulnerability and saying it like it is for you. In your words I find myself and it is a way to bridge that great divide of loneliness for the grieving.
Let's continue to meet on the bridge, Hand in hand, Heart to heart. Thank YOU for being YOU!
XO Joanie
You are so right, as much as we support and understand we (or most of us) are also very alone. Yes I have 2 children. Jason was my first, Chase my daughter born 2 years after. I do not envy you Gina, I have come to realize how all encompassing our definition of who we are is defined by our children...
Please let me share with you a small piece of the damage done in Jason's death. Chase is suffering every minute of every day. She lost her best friend. There was so much left unsaid, that needed to be said and wasn't and so much of her coping is to be emotionally unavailable. Then she is witnessing her Mom suffer each and every day. She wants her Mom back and yet knows that that woman died the same day and she knows she is helpless. Chase is so angry.
Then, I witness each and every day my daughter suffer and hurt and be so angry and she has lost so many friends and family that "can't deal" with her grief and I know that I am helpless to make her hurt go away.
I am truly sorry that your Mother desperately reaches for the empty "Hallmark" responses when what is really needed is her support and, if nothing else, silence. I have no idea how I would speak civilly to someone who thought blowing sunshine and rainbows up my *ass was going to make me feel good.
Please forgive me if I've spoken out of turn here or been too blunt. I'm looking at the 4th Christmas without Jason and am finding so much anger boiling so very close to the surface...
tightest of hugs, supporting you hand in hand, heart to heart and also understanding the "alone" struggle...
xoxo Merrilee
Gina,
I haven't written a journal for a while but I try to read others journals. I am only in the second year since Justin's death and now I understand why this is sometimes considered harder than the 1st. The 1st year was a fog but now it is more real and I'm realizing that this truly happened. I do use the "grateful" statements a lot too and I do believe that it helps me a to stay focused on the good of life but it doesn't help everyone because there is nothing that can be so good that can cancel or ease this lose. It is beyond comprehension until you experienced it. I stay very busy with my job as I'm self employed and single and I love my work. So I feel blessed I've had something to keep me going. I admire you're spirit as I think you're a fighter. Thank you for sharing your heart and I have no answers except to somehow find peace knowing that Justin is at peace. Deanie
I know exactly how you feel even though I still have another son which were not really close I love my daughter 10 years ago I lost her,I still can't get through the holidays and I always spend Holidays alone I too had a baby pass away at birth and I wish she would've lived and maybe things would be different but then again I don't think anything makes it different and we all suffer and grieve in our own way. I'll tell you something I used to sometimes wish that other people knew how we felt because they don't know and I remember when other people children passed away and I still had my daughter I didn't understand so I know that they can't understand less it happens to them but then all of a sudden both of my sisters lost their daughters unbelievable but both my sisters take antidepressants and for some reason I guess it helps them , they don't grieve like me ,I cry every day till I'm almost sick I miss my daughter because she was more as of my best friend than anyone else in my life I can't really talk anymore because it's starting to hurt all over again but you're not alone and my heart is with you .
We all feel the alone part because none of my friends except one has lost a child. They cannot feel my pain or even understand it. They understand why I am sad but...... I understand but I am not walking in your shoes.
I do hope you feel better, it is a very long road it is a life time of ups and down.
tight hugs
Penny
Dear Gina,
These ups and downs are something to navigate...it is just so damn hard.
It still takes my breath away, but not every day, or holiday as it did earlier on this journey.
As I stand on the edge of my journey with layers of memories woven through my heart and soul, sometimes I fear taking another step or even taking another breath as I am not sure I have the courage or stamina to do it...it is then that I read a journal, hear a song, overhear a conversation in public, read an article or even just hear a voice inside me that reassures me that my son is ok, and that so am I.
I am so thankful that I have all of you to help me along the way.
Gentlest of care, Gina
Ann
Gina, I too want to take this opportunity to apologize if I have inadvertently hurt anyone with a comment I may have made.
I don't recall you ever saying anything to apologize for...we all are just trying to be honest and sensitive at the same time.
I agree with you completely about feeling alone. At the end of the day only we can grieve our child. And it hurts. We must walk the journey and it hurts. The support helps beyond measure but it is still the loneliest walk.
Hugging you, Linda ♡