christmas
First let me thank all of you for your love and hugs. I want you all to know how much your love and support mean to me. I am having a very difficult time. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be for me to get through this season. It has been the worst year of my life. Initially, after Jackie passed away, I was truly in shock and numb for quite a while. My son and sister took care of everything. My only regrets is that I didn't stay with her when she passed. My family wouldn't let me in the hospital room because they didn't want me to see her like that. I will alway feel that I should have been there. I brought her into this world, I should have been holding her as she left.
Also the day she took her life she asked me to go out with her. We always went everywhere together, but the last two weeks before her death, she started hanging out with her x-girlfriend, which I begged her not to do because she still loved her and you just can't be friends. She wanted to have that connection. They knew each other since she was 11 years old and Jackie was her first love. Amanda was 19 when they started seeing each other, it lasted 2 years. I will always regret not going out that day with her. Maybe I could have changed her mind for that moment and I would have had her with me for a while longer.
I am going to my son Christmas Eve this year. I always made Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in my house. Everything, everything has changed because Jackie died. All this change in my life, I was leaving my husband before Jackie passed, so I did. 33 years of my life just gone. I feel so bad and sad. I'm trying to go through the motions of the holiday. My sister lost her partner, my sister-in law died the next day. What else. People say that GOD only gives you what you can handle. I don't believe that. He just couldn't be that cruel. I know my writing is jumping around, but my thoughts are just all over the place.
This overwhelming pain that we all share - there is no describing it. Everyone tries to help and they do say the right things to me because they know they don't understand what i feel. They just let me talk and tell me that hopefully I will be able to cope better as time goes by. Will I?? I will always wonder what she was thinking when she pulled that trigger. She was in so much pain, physically and mentally. How could this happen? Why couldn't the doctors find out what was wrong with her. Was this her destiny??? I know my life must go on. But I miss my Jackie so, so much and this was her favorite holiday. Can anybody just give me a little advice. I'm on two xanax now in the morning just to function. I don't want to see a grief counselor. This site is, and all of you are. I want to shut off my emotions and just function.
I wish I was a couple of years into this so I could help someone, but right now I feel like when I'm talking to all of you, I bring you to a place of such sorrow and I apologize for that. This is a place none of us want to be but here we are. So thank you all for listening to me when I feel so lost and empty because you all do help. Love you all, Gail
Also the day she took her life she asked me to go out with her. We always went everywhere together, but the last two weeks before her death, she started hanging out with her x-girlfriend, which I begged her not to do because she still loved her and you just can't be friends. She wanted to have that connection. They knew each other since she was 11 years old and Jackie was her first love. Amanda was 19 when they started seeing each other, it lasted 2 years. I will always regret not going out that day with her. Maybe I could have changed her mind for that moment and I would have had her with me for a while longer.
I am going to my son Christmas Eve this year. I always made Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in my house. Everything, everything has changed because Jackie died. All this change in my life, I was leaving my husband before Jackie passed, so I did. 33 years of my life just gone. I feel so bad and sad. I'm trying to go through the motions of the holiday. My sister lost her partner, my sister-in law died the next day. What else. People say that GOD only gives you what you can handle. I don't believe that. He just couldn't be that cruel. I know my writing is jumping around, but my thoughts are just all over the place.
This overwhelming pain that we all share - there is no describing it. Everyone tries to help and they do say the right things to me because they know they don't understand what i feel. They just let me talk and tell me that hopefully I will be able to cope better as time goes by. Will I?? I will always wonder what she was thinking when she pulled that trigger. She was in so much pain, physically and mentally. How could this happen? Why couldn't the doctors find out what was wrong with her. Was this her destiny??? I know my life must go on. But I miss my Jackie so, so much and this was her favorite holiday. Can anybody just give me a little advice. I'm on two xanax now in the morning just to function. I don't want to see a grief counselor. This site is, and all of you are. I want to shut off my emotions and just function.
I wish I was a couple of years into this so I could help someone, but right now I feel like when I'm talking to all of you, I bring you to a place of such sorrow and I apologize for that. This is a place none of us want to be but here we are. So thank you all for listening to me when I feel so lost and empty because you all do help. Love you all, Gail
Replies
Dear Gail...I am 3 years into this journey and I still have the same feelings as you but I am still able to help others....I still feel guilt and I can\'t listen to Christmas music or decorate my house...even though Christmas was Melissa\'s favorite holiday, I can\'t bring myself to enjoy it without her...My only living daughter who I never really got along with is in Kazackhstan and I have no grandchildren to force me to do those things for them....luckily I have two Goddaughters who make sure I spend the holidays with either one or the other....I would prefer to be home alone but I do it for them....but I am better than I was in the beginning. Everyone\'s journey is different and takes different amounts of time....so hang in there and we will too....I got through the previous holidays and I will get through this one too...one day at a time. Love, Connie
Dear, precious Gail...my heart aches reading this...I\'m just so very sorry. I think it does get worse once the initial shock wears off. I think the numbness in the beginning is a gift our minds give us when we can\'t handle the devastation and intense pain. I\'m not one to believe that God makes decisions such as, \"she can handle this and that and so I will give her this and that\"...I am one who believes it rains on the just and the unjust in equal measure, but we have the gift of The Great Spirit within us and around us to help us survive those rains. There are many tools available....professional counselling, medications, mediums, clergy, family, friends, books, meditation, relaxation therapy, yoga, chanting, praying, screaming, crying, working, volunteering, gardening, kick boxing, dance, journaling, and an endless list of other things which can bring release and comfort and enlightenment. The trick is to find which ones work for you. For me, and I believe for everyone, to truly heal we cannot allow ourselves to shut off our emotions. As hard as it is, as torturous as it is, I fully believe we must face grief head on with a determination and a will to get to the other side of it. Jan 2 will be 5 years since Kala\'s accident. I can honestly say that I am better today, much better, than I was year one, two, or even three. Each year has brought new challenges into my life and new hope as well. The reason I am on DS is because I was sitting in Kala\'s room on her computer searching the internet for hope. I HAD to find somebody who\'d survived this pain. I knew if I could find just one person who had lived through this nightmare who was truly living their life in joy again, that I too could make it. I\'ve found many here, and I now am one of the many. It doesn\'t happen quickly, and it isn\'t without great heartache, and even now, I get knocked sideways at times....Mid Dec until Feb is the hardest for me...but each time I \"go there\" as Karen calls it, I know it is temporary because I have survived it before. Each day I wake up and make a choice...we all do. Each day I say, \"Teri, you\'re going to make Kala proud today and you\'re going to LIVE today\". Each day I try...
You too will survive this nightmare. You are a precious and dear woman and you have within you the determination and will to LIVE. You will survive Christmas and with each passing day you will discover new strength within yourself. And always remember, we all here for you to the very best of our abilities. You are loved.
First, this \"verse\" that \"God doesn\'t give us more than we can handle\" is NOT in the Bible. This misquoted verse is found in First Corinthians 10:13. It certainly doesnt say that God will not give us more than we can handle, but it does give us the extraordinary promise that God will never allow us to be tempted more than we can handle and that He will always provide a way of escape. And in light of this truth that temptation is never too strong and that there is always a way out, Paul admonishes the Corinthians to flee from idolatry, one of the easiest sins to fall into.
Bible verse that says God will never allow us to be tempted more than we can handle, here is 1 Corinthians 10:13:
\"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. New King James Version\"
God doesn\'t bring disaster, pain, and death: he foresees it (because we have free will be He exists outside of time), ordains it, permits it -- these for His purposes which we cannot fully know in this lifetime. Turning from God is turning from the greatest source of comfort and love there is; anger is normal but God is not to \"blame\" here.
I know exactly how you feel. The difference is, I was unable to see my daughter, I was in the psych ward and she was in the morgue. I\'m glad I didn\'t see her, she died instantly, I wouldn\'t want that memory of her lifeless body. But I HAVE seen her since, in a vision as clear as day (NOT a dream). Even this, which was God\'s gift to me, doesn\'t take away the pain of missing her, wanting to hug her, tell her I love her, smell her shampoo after she takes a shower. When I go to the house and walk into her room (I take something from there and bring it here where I now live every time I have to go to the house) it feels like a huge, black hole is engulfing me. She won\'t walk in; I won\'t hear her voice; I won\'t see her beautiful face or look into her beautiful big blue eyes: not in this lifetime (even though I DID those things in the vision that lasted only about 20 seconds). Gail, there\'s nothing I can say to ease your pain. This is an ongoing horror that sometimes subsides and then comes back with a gut punch. I don\'t know why you don\'t want to see a grief counselor; mine has helped me tremendously. I don\'t know what would have happened to me without her help, spirituality and encouragement. I have a friend who lost her 12 year old son to suicide who calls these the \"horrordays\"...yes they can be. I\'m trying to see Christmas differently. It was April\'s favorite day of the year. Last Christmas was a living nightmare that I\'ll never forget. These events seem to have happened only a month or two ago, yet it has been a year. They are engraved on my brain. I would like to not be here, I would like it to end, but I was given work to do and do it I will. You\'re not alone, if that helps. In the end, nothing helps, not really. It IS easier now than it has been but it always hurt, so long as we live.
Gail, do not worry about being all over the place with your feelings or impacting me. I am in a good place now and I can listen and I hope help you on this horrific journey. You did not know what was coming and maybe you going out with Jackie that day would have only postponed what happened & you won\'t know in this life. I asked a lot of \"what ifs?\" too but they are not helpful for our mind and body and spirit to heal. You and I know that we would have moved Heaven and Earth to save our children if only we could have. It has not been that long for you and for me its been 2 years and 3 months since Eddie went to Heaven & the pain is much lighter now and more manageable. I agree with Jill. God doesn\'t cause these terrible things to happen, but \"will not leave us or forsake us\". I asked Jesus to heal my broken heart and now I do believe I truly am healing. I miss Ed everyday but I am much more peaceful and can speak of him tenderly and sometimes without pain. I did go to grief counseling and for me it helped. My grief counselor gave me some coping skills and I also took Ativan for anxiety and Zoloft for depresssion. I no longer need the Ativan but I continue to take Zoloft. My faith helped a lot and of course my sisters here. This worked for me and our journeys are so personal. Just know the holiday time is very difficult. The first year I barely even remember the holidays as Ed\'s birthday was 18 days later, then Thanksgiving & Christmas. Do whatever you need to do to get through those days. There is no wrong or right and know your sisters of the heart walk beside you. I am a click away. Sending love and so much understanding, Linda
This holiday season is so hard we get halloween, thanksgiving, christmas and new years thrown at us all at once...Being \'numb\' helps..I know our daughters are together and they love us and you will get your signs,,you have to look for them, be open, they will be there..(((hugs))) Nora
Gail, this is the worst loss a mother can ever face and you are doing just that. You have been given some loving wisdom from the moms here and I do want to say that in order to heal you must feel it all and that is the emotional side of grief, loss and living into hope once again in time.
There are no guidelines, rule books and it is a one moment at a time path as you are discovering. For me, some of my tools help for awhile and then I need to change them up, remove some that no longer serve me and seek new ones.
Therapy has helped me so much when I hit a wall and nothing that I\'m trying feels healing for me. Sometimes a non anxious presence and someone who can perhaps offer a different lens in which to see out of can be so very comforting.
You will find what is helpful and what is not and FMO has always been one of my most powerful healing tools yet it is just one of them. I seem to need many things to draw from.
Loving care to you this day and in the ones that follow. I understand what you are describing and somehow we make it one moment at a time. I\'m not at all sure how it works yet healing is happening even on those days when you are sure that it could not possibly be... trust me, it is... Healing is a gift for ALL of us and not just a select few... It is and will be yours dear Gail.
Tight hugs, Joanie
Oh Honey ~
DS/FMO is a two way street ~ we give and we take. Sometimes it\'s the other \"drivers\' \" turn to lend a hand and sometimes it\'s ours. Sometimes we just feel like getting out of the driver\'s seat or the car altogether and saying \"I just have nothing to say or contribute.\"
This is your first set of holidays ~ of course you are all over the place. Just keep on loving yourself, forgiving yourself and doing whatever you need to do to get through each moment/each breath/each step/each day.
Man ~ I sure would have loved to be with Corrie when she drew her final breath ~ but we didn\'t even come close to having that option ~ she was slammed into by a drunk driver 3000 miles away from home and four months after the last time we had seen her. Regrets try to stall each of us as we struggle to find our way in this new \"after\" life.
I don\'t really have any advice on making it through. As with everything else on this journey ~ it\'s a personal and individual decision. If it comforts you to hang a stocking and put little notes in it for Jackie, then do that. If it comforts you to light a candle, do that. Holiday music/no holiday music. Decorations/no decorations ~ it\'s all up to you. I\'m glad you will be going to your son\'s for Christmas Eve ~ it won\'t be a super jolly occasion, I imagine, but it will probably feel good just to be with him and others in your family.
And why does it seem that often we are heaped with sorrow upon sorrow? I have no clue but I always try to put my own grief in the perspective of war-torn countries or homes destroyed and lives lost by tornadoes and other natural disasters. It seems that no one is immune from tragedy and loss. Since we lost Corrie, both of my parents have passed ~ my father three weeks after Corrie on my birthday no less! But I decided to view this as a conscious choice on my father\'s part ~ he had been suffering with Parkinson\'s for over 20 years and was ready to go at 91. He was worried about how I was coping with Corrie\'s death and I truly believe this was his final birthday gift to me ~ a promise that he would go keep an eye on Corrie for us!
I am sad that this has been such a year of sorrow for you but I hope that at least your decision to leave a 33 year marriage will eventually lead you to new and exciting adventures.
Till then ~ micro-second by micro-second ~ keep on keeping on.
Sending much love and big tight holiday hugs ~ Debbie
Debbie, you are so right. There are horrible tragedy\'s in the world. I\'m so sorry you had such loss in your life, but its a beautiful thought that your dad passed so he could watch Corrie. I do feel my mom was there to welcome Jackie. I hope so. I will be with my grandchildren on x-mas evLe and that will definately help me get through. Hope you have a blessed holiday. Love & XXX OOO Gail
Gail my Jason\'s case was very much like your Jackie\'s case. He too was sick and hurting. He developed sarcoidosis and was convinced it was affecting his brain and he was going to die from it. His wife packed up the kids and told him she was getting a divorce because she just didn\'t like him anymore because he was always sick and grumpy. The next day he shot himself. This is my first Christmas without Jason, just as it is for you without Jackie and I know how hard it is. I cry every day. I try not to think about what happened when Jason actually shot himself, it\'s much too upsetting to give it even a second of time in my mind. I have to force other thoughts in its place and just not allow those thoughts to enter. Counting breaths helps me sometimes. I don\'t believe we could have changed what was destined to happen and I don\'t believe we will ever really understand why. I know it helps me to know that I\'m not alone in my sorrow and you are not alone either. Sending love, Terry