Changing perspectives.
Usually I know what the title of my journal is before starting to write, but today I'm not sure what I'm writing about. Writing helps me process what I'm feeling and experiencing, and aside from the overwhelming urge to consume substances, I don't know what I feel.
The past couple days my husband has felt emotionally cold and distant, but when asked he says he's fine. Normally he wants to be in the same space all the time, but the past couple days he's actively left the room to do something, then didn't return. Don't get me wrong, it's actually what I'd like to be our version of normal, it's just different and anything different feels concerning. I often talk to other married couples (usually older ones) and they talk about how they have different interests that they do completely separately - I envy that. We do literally everything together so we never have anything to come back with and talk about. My mom used to say she hated living with a man because she needed her space, I'm beginning to understand what she meant, even though we've been living together for over 3 years. Changing My perspective on life I guess.
I messaged my girlfriend Amanda a few days ago see what she's up to for this stat holiday (family day) and made tentative plans. I told my husband I might see her when we made plans, and he seemed almost surprised I'd make plans without him. I want to make seeing friends separate from one another a normal experience, as it used to be. I do want to see her, but I also want to see her stepdad Jerome. We really connected at the last party but it's a friendship that isn't understandable by others. Even telling my husband about Jerome and I hanging out seemed to bother him. I don't like keeping things from him, but he can be really closed-minded. Sometimes I think fondly of the relationship Adam and I had, we were so open and honest about our experiences. We had solid communication, but that's about all we had. I wish I could communicate more with my husband, we love spending time together, we have the same morals and values, we're really happy. I just wish I could share with him the way I feel I can with others. He's quick to try and fix rather than listen and be empathetic. If I tell him I want to drink and take pills his resolution will be to take everything away, that's the easy fix, rather than discuss the experience of addiction and how it used to be a very real part of my life.
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My friend informed me that she did not in fact want to hang out as she was tired, and no longer even wanted to take her dogs out. I was pretty disappointed, but I know I get like that some days too. It still would have been nice to just stay in together and BS like we used to. We texted back and forth for a bit, asked how her search for a new place is going (not well) and asked how her parent's search is going (no response). I opted to text her stepdad directly to ask how it's going for them, also no reply... but that's to be expected, he'll eventually respond, usually does. It feels weird to identify him as her stepdad when writing about him; I've never viewed him as her parent, probably cause we always party with her parents and he's never 'parental' (she's an adult, he has no need to be). I just noticed I felt weird writing that he's her stepdad and we talk outside of my friendship with her; I shouldn't, seeing as he and I only became close after sharing sadness and other people's misunderstandings of what it means to lose a vital parental figure (both our moms died recently).