changes needed soon

Something needs to change in my life.  I feel so powerless these days.  I drank yesterday.  I was goign to get two tattoos and I told myself that I would drink a beer to get a buzz and get in the mood to go.  Of course I couldn't just drink one beer. Turned into four cans, which is pretty good for me.  Then I slept it off and sobered up and taught my 4 classes.  It was pretty brutual teaching but I got through it.  When I was done teaching I drank more and then went on tinder.  I met up with a guy from the czech republic and we hung out and drank and then he fucked me.  he used a condom though!!!! i'm so so so grateful.  he was actually cool.  it wasn't a bad experience, but of course me drinking is really worrisome and i feel out of control.

today i didn't drink, i went and volunteered for my visa.  i was really tired and slightly depressed but was feeling better by the end of the day.  lo and behold as I'm about to sign on and teach for the evening I notice that my electricity is out.  I can't miss any more classes or I'm fired from this job.  So I missed my first class and now am at a co-working space, renting a skype room. my second class cancelled out of their own accord, so i have time to sit and write this.  I am hoping that the company understands that I had a tech issue and doens't hold this absence against me and fire me.  we will see.  I really don't like teaching english online as I know i've expressed.  part of me thinks i should try to get a virtual assistant job or something, but i feel like there is a lot of competition for that.  

all i know is something needs to change.  i want to change my habits and my life.  i just feel so impotent.  that's really the word.  i feel like i can't make anything happen really.  i don't have any friends here, not really.  i mean, i do but i don't.  i feel isolated and lonely.  i really need to go to AA tomorrow.  i'm going to. 

i found a big full length mirror in town the other day and I walked it all the way to my house, about 35 minutes a way.  the corner was cracked but it was still in good shaped.  i was and am stoked about it becuase i had been wanting to get one but it would require getting a taxi and also costs a little bit of money so i kept putting it off.  anyway, today i cut my thumb on the corner and it was bleeding everywhere, had no bandages in the house.  then the power went out.  i was basically freaking out from stress but i survived.  

my house is depressing me.  i want to stay at a hotel tonight haha.  i won't though, not going to waste teh money.  i love my house but it is a reflection of myself and sometimes it just reminds me how lonely i am.  

tomorrow i don't teach.  i am going to clean my house and get my head on straight and do some sewing and some writing.  i keep writing about my business but i am making such slow moves.  everyone is excited about my products and ideas, so why don't i just do it??!!!  i feel like i am at war with my own laziness it sucks.  i drank 3 times the past week.  what the fuck is my problem.