Change is good... but am I ever anxious!!
I met a guy online, his name is Jordan, he's the first guy I've ever met online and so far everything seems perfect: he's very sweet, considerate, passionate, adventurous, cute, has a steady job that he's excited about and moves to talk about, he's the typical nice guy, completely my type and I think it could be something real.
I'm feeling extreme anxiety though, to the point of nausea and physical shaking.. When I was 17 I met my ex fiance, and since then my entire life has been influenced by that relationship in the sense that nearly everyone I hang out with I know because of him, because of the circumstances of the relationship and break up. Everyone I know and hang out with knows my mom is sick and dying, they know she is mentally ill, they know my sister had a manic episode and was hospitalized, they know I'm bipolar and they know I struggle with addiction... They know my best friend who I was madly in love with almost died, that I am the reason he's alive, that I lived by his hospital bedside praying, caring for him, bathing and feeding him, teaching him how to walk again and encouraging him with every ounce of energy I had.. I practically killed myself taking care of him, I was on the border of a full mental break down and I almost ended up like my sister.... I still love the person he was before he got sick... But he isn't that person anymore and that is why I have such a hard time seeing him... I have to see his body and remember what we had together but know that it's gone and he's never coming back... The Dion I knew died on that operating table... That's what no one understands.... I never fully dealt with my sister or Dion... I just tried to move along and not let it effect me, but I'm so afraid that something will come up and I'll have to tell Jordan and that scares me to no end because I don't want to lose anyone anymore... I try to be optimistic, happy and smiley, but deep down... I'm frail and hurt...
I'm feeling extreme anxiety though, to the point of nausea and physical shaking.. When I was 17 I met my ex fiance, and since then my entire life has been influenced by that relationship in the sense that nearly everyone I hang out with I know because of him, because of the circumstances of the relationship and break up. Everyone I know and hang out with knows my mom is sick and dying, they know she is mentally ill, they know my sister had a manic episode and was hospitalized, they know I'm bipolar and they know I struggle with addiction... They know my best friend who I was madly in love with almost died, that I am the reason he's alive, that I lived by his hospital bedside praying, caring for him, bathing and feeding him, teaching him how to walk again and encouraging him with every ounce of energy I had.. I practically killed myself taking care of him, I was on the border of a full mental break down and I almost ended up like my sister.... I still love the person he was before he got sick... But he isn't that person anymore and that is why I have such a hard time seeing him... I have to see his body and remember what we had together but know that it's gone and he's never coming back... The Dion I knew died on that operating table... That's what no one understands.... I never fully dealt with my sister or Dion... I just tried to move along and not let it effect me, but I'm so afraid that something will come up and I'll have to tell Jordan and that scares me to no end because I don't want to lose anyone anymore... I try to be optimistic, happy and smiley, but deep down... I'm frail and hurt...
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