CAN'T STOP CRYING
EVERYTHING IS JUST HORRIBLE. I CAME OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND MY SISTER'S LIVE IN PARTNER WHO SHE IS WITH FOR 12 YEARS DIED. HE WAS A SICK MAN AND DIDN'T WANT TO GO INTO THE HOSPITAL FEARING HE WOUDN'T COME OUT. HE HAD TO GO IN THOUGH, HE COULDN'T BREATHE. HE PASSED AWAY SAT. MORNING AND THEN SAT. NIGHT MY SISTER IN LAW WHO WAS MORE A SISTER DIED . SHE HAD SOROSIS OF THE LIVER. IT TOOK THREE WEEKS TO KILL HER.
THE TWO OF THEM WOULDN'T GO TO DOCTORS, WHAT STUPIDITY. THEY BOTH COULD HAVE BEEN HELPED IF THEY WENT TO A DOCTOR. IT WAS TOO LATE FOR BOTH OF THEM. THEY ALLOWED THEMSELVES TO DIE.
I'M HAVING A REAL HARD TIME. ALL I COULD THINK OF IS THAT I RAN AROUND FOR TWO YEARS TRYING TO FIND AN ANSWER TO JACKIE'S HEADACHES. AND HERE ARE TWO GROWN ADULTS WHO DIED BECAUSE THEY HATED DOCTORS AND COULD HAVE BEEN HELPED.
I'M SO MAD AT MY SISTER IN LAW, KAREN. SHE HAD HEP C WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG AND NEVER TOOK CARE. THAT'S WHAT CAUSED THE SOROSIS.
I'VE BEEN IN SUCH A BAD PLACE EVEN BEFORE THIS. WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL I WAS MISSING JACKIE SO MUCH. MY SON TRIES SO HARD TO MAKE ME HAPPY. HE BRINGS THE KIDS OVER ALL THE TIME NOW, BUT NOTHING CAN FILL THAT HOLE JACKIE LEFT IN MY HEART. I CAN'T STOP CRYING LATELY AND I SEEM TO BE MISSING JACKIE MORE. I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING BETTER. I GUESS I WAS JUST KIDDING MYSELF, MAYBE ITS ALL THE PRETENDING I DO. I'M JUST TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE ELSE. I DON'T WANT MY SON TO THINK THAT HE CAN'T MAKE ME HAPPY. BUT RIGHT NOW, HE CAN'T. HOW AWEFUL. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME ANYMORE. I WANT MY JACKIE BACK. I WANT TO GET BETTER, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. THIS HAS TO PASS. I CAN'T LIVE THIS WAY. I NEED TO SLEEP THRUGH THE HOLIDAYS. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I WAS REALLY HOLDING IT TOGETHER. I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING IT.
THE TWO OF THEM WOULDN'T GO TO DOCTORS, WHAT STUPIDITY. THEY BOTH COULD HAVE BEEN HELPED IF THEY WENT TO A DOCTOR. IT WAS TOO LATE FOR BOTH OF THEM. THEY ALLOWED THEMSELVES TO DIE.
I'M HAVING A REAL HARD TIME. ALL I COULD THINK OF IS THAT I RAN AROUND FOR TWO YEARS TRYING TO FIND AN ANSWER TO JACKIE'S HEADACHES. AND HERE ARE TWO GROWN ADULTS WHO DIED BECAUSE THEY HATED DOCTORS AND COULD HAVE BEEN HELPED.
I'M SO MAD AT MY SISTER IN LAW, KAREN. SHE HAD HEP C WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG AND NEVER TOOK CARE. THAT'S WHAT CAUSED THE SOROSIS.
I'VE BEEN IN SUCH A BAD PLACE EVEN BEFORE THIS. WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL I WAS MISSING JACKIE SO MUCH. MY SON TRIES SO HARD TO MAKE ME HAPPY. HE BRINGS THE KIDS OVER ALL THE TIME NOW, BUT NOTHING CAN FILL THAT HOLE JACKIE LEFT IN MY HEART. I CAN'T STOP CRYING LATELY AND I SEEM TO BE MISSING JACKIE MORE. I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING BETTER. I GUESS I WAS JUST KIDDING MYSELF, MAYBE ITS ALL THE PRETENDING I DO. I'M JUST TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE ELSE. I DON'T WANT MY SON TO THINK THAT HE CAN'T MAKE ME HAPPY. BUT RIGHT NOW, HE CAN'T. HOW AWEFUL. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME ANYMORE. I WANT MY JACKIE BACK. I WANT TO GET BETTER, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. THIS HAS TO PASS. I CAN'T LIVE THIS WAY. I NEED TO SLEEP THRUGH THE HOLIDAYS. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I WAS REALLY HOLDING IT TOGETHER. I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING IT.
Replies
I anticipated this would happen because of your surgery; putting something that serious on top of a grievous loss is not a good thing. That colonoscopy had me out of my mind with grief for two days and here you are recovering from therapeutic surgery! There\'s only so much a person can take emotionally and now these two deaths on top of everything else. Hang in, I pray for you every day, your grief will ebb and flow (it really is a roller coaster ride). If you have a grief counselor, go there asap; if not, find one asap. Talk to your Dr. about sleep aid (I take half of a 15MG Remeron every night and it works wonderfully), stay on the Xanax, it\'s far too soon to think about getting off it. And know, really KNOW because I\'m here to tell you LOUD AND CLEAR from personal experience, that God has not forgotten you, that you have to let Him in, you have to let Him work, and you have to give Him time. God bless you.
Gail, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
My Daniel brings his girlfriends little one over every Sunday....this last sunday, I cried as I read to him from Morgan\'s books...Daniel wanted to know if I was ok...I am lucky,,he does understand,I send ((hugs)) and love over this very hard holiday..Nora
The holidays are such a hard thing to face after losing so many people you love. Any added pain or fatigue, causes an overload that is bound to end up in tears. Try to just take care of yourself and be gentle and kind to yourself. It will help that knee better and sooner.
With love,
Leda
Feeling the need to \'celebrate\' the holidays on top of loss and doing it while healing...boy what a set up for failure... take care of yourself, be glentle and don\'t do anything you doj\'t want to...
hugs Marylou
Thank you all for your support. At my sister in law\'s wake I met her neighbor. She came over to me, knew who I was, She lost her daughter 5 years ago. Epilepsy. It was good talking to her I do see that you all are healing. I want to heal also and have some sort of life. And now I am going to try harder. My sister who has been sick her whole life is a very positive person and pushes when I need it and leaves me alone when I need to grieve. I do realize how lucky I am. One day at a time. I tell myself when I wake up. Get through today.
I am so sorry to hear of so many losses for you and your family...so tragic. It is hard for others to see us suffering...they feel so helpless...they try...but for a period of time there is nothing that can help...in time the presence of your children and grandchildren will help...love to you...Karen
Dear Gail, I am sure you\'re doing the best you can. I don\'t know if one can \'try harder\' to heal... just be open to the light and the love in your life and maybe just try (if anything) to remember that no one deserves this sorrow and that your peace will come to you as time passes. Telling your son that you love him (many times, so much!) will help too. You can comfort each other just a little, and feel the love and the grief all mixed together. It doesn\'t have to be one or \'t\'other.
With a gentle hug and much compassion,
Sarah
Gail, It takes a long time, as you said, just get through today. Nothing, nothing, nothing helps at first and then light and love begin to creep in. You do not have to do anything but get through one day at a time even during the holiday season. I wish you moments of peace more often. Love & so much understanding, Linda
Gail I am so sorry for you losses. I hear how badly you are hurting. I understand exactly how the situation is with your son. My son comes over to visit me frequently now too, and I love him and his kids so much, but nothing can take away the pain I feel missing Jason. It\'s the same with you missing Jackie. Sending love and I\'m praying for peace in our hearts. Terry
You are doing your best my friend and that is all that you can ask of yourself.
Your son is grieving too and I know worried for you. I remember feeling this way when my late brother died with my own parents. The grief and loss was all over the place and could not be neatly packaged away anywhere.
This path takes a life time and I look to all the moms a few steps further along to give me hope that healing is not just for a select few yet for ALL of us in time...
It is so painful and hard right now, I know... Please be so gentle with yourself and sometimes just being together, the closeness is all that is needed and far exceeds the words... Hug each other all you can. Allow yourself to be loved and held...
Comforting hugs,
Joanie