Can' live with myself

I have been so selfish my entire life. I'm slowly but surely telling people now that the cat is out of the bag. My girlfriend can barely look at me and she has nowhere to go to get resolve and reset her brain. We are so tight on money and I emotionally abused her time and time again, plus I lied to her about everything because my web of lies spread over so much time that I convinced myself that it was the truth. I don't know how people can live a life without this. It's so horrifying just living right now and I don't think I've ever wanted to be dead so bad in my entire life. But I owe it to the people I love to be honest with them and tell them things, true things that my life. How could people ever forgive me for what I've done and how long that ivve done it to them. My girlfriend by miracle is still here and I think it's because we have gone through horrible depression lately and were unable to do anything. I'm going to prove to her that I care and all she wants is peace, which she deserves but I think some things are just unforgivable. I'm just ranting and raving and not feeling sorry for myself at all. I know what I've done and all I can think about is suicide, but suicide is selfish and I have to fight for things and be honest from now on. How did I get here? I've been lying since I was a kid oh God help me I hate myself for the damage that I have done in my best friend and my girlfriends wake and I hope to God that I can survive this. All I want to do is cry and hit myself and hurt myself but I'm not because I owe iit to my girlfriend to be honest and have a good head on my shoulders. How would you survive this? Who has been in this situation?