But, I don't want to...
Why does everyone expect so much out of me??? These fools whispering in my ear, I have to try, I have to get out there, I have to pull myself up... I don't want to try, get out there, or pull myself up. My sister called me last night and really upset me...she told me I was in a rut and I wasn't trying to get out of it...Uhmmm, just over 4 months ago my only child committed suicide!!!! I am still here, I am still breathing, eating, sleeping...how can anyone expect anymore??? I know I am a mess, but I just don't care. She is afraid I am going to commit suicide. If I was going to do that, I already would have...I'm going to keep going, but I can only do so much for right now...I keep breaking appointments and plans, it's very hard to get dressed and out of the house, and sometimes I am lonely. I am afraid I will lose the friends and family I have left...I am very irresponsible...But there ARE things I do every day...I do housework every day...something, today I vacuumed. If I keep things relatively neat it is so much easier...So I try to devote up to an hour a day cleaning...I don't have a huge cleaning day once a week anymore. I make dinner for my husband every day...I am a housewife now. I have always worked...now this is my world. It is smaller, and I am terribly sad most of the time, but it's all I can do right now. I am told it will get better, I hope so.
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When my son\'s best friend died when they were both 17, I remember his mother telling me that her husband (the step-father) told her that she needed to get busy and get out of the rut. I really didn\'t understand at the time and how could I? My son was still alive. We have lost contact and I so wish I could tell her now how so very much I do understand. She has no idea that my son is gone as well now. For me, I had to return to work within weeks of my son\'s death since I am single. And have worked all these years since. BUT, no one can tell you how or when to \"pull yourself up\". Just remember that the ones \"whispering\" in your ear are indeed, fools, and have no clue how hard we try and how hard we work at learning to live our lives after the worse has happened to us.
Peace.