But, I don't want to...
Why does everyone expect so much out of me??? These fools whispering in my ear, I have to try, I have to get out there, I have to pull myself up... I don't want to try, get out there, or pull myself up. My sister called me last night and really upset me...she told me I was in a rut and I wasn't trying to get out of it...Uhmmm, just over 4 months ago my only child committed suicide!!!! I am still here, I am still breathing, eating, sleeping...how can anyone expect anymore??? I know I am a mess, but I just don't care. She is afraid I am going to commit suicide. If I was going to do that, I already would have...I'm going to keep going, but I can only do so much for right now...I keep breaking appointments and plans, it's very hard to get dressed and out of the house, and sometimes I am lonely. I am afraid I will lose the friends and family I have left...I am very irresponsible...But there ARE things I do every day...I do housework every day...something, today I vacuumed. If I keep things relatively neat it is so much easier...So I try to devote up to an hour a day cleaning...I don't have a huge cleaning day once a week anymore. I make dinner for my husband every day...I am a housewife now. I have always worked...now this is my world. It is smaller, and I am terribly sad most of the time, but it's all I can do right now. I am told it will get better, I hope so.
Replies
Gina,
You are doing the best you can do! Others don\'t understand how HARD it is to do anything at all. Your heart has a hole in it and the life that used to fill that hole is now gone. Only time, nurturing yourself and coming to this group where everyone truly understands will HELP.
I think others (especially family) want us to be like \"we used to be\" and we know that will never be. We are on a new journey and for now, sadness, gut wrenching pain and feeling numb are road signs that we are experiencing.
I think you are doing great - with all your fears, with all your sadness, YOU are doing what you need to do. (((((hugs))))) I\'m holding your hand today. We will make it Gina.
Gina, those who think you should snap out of it just do not understand. How could they when they have never lost a child?
You are doing the best you can do. I wonder if there is a support group in your area. I know there are Compassionate Friends groups and people have found them to be very helpful. I totally understand how hard it is to get up, get dressed and go out. I too broke a lot of promises because I just could not do it. Slowly, very slowly, I started to participate in the world. It took longer to get my head together. I went to meetings but could not absorb the information or participate. Now I feel like a fully functioning member of the committees I am on. But it is 4.5 years - you are at the beginning of your journey.
You are doing great - you are doing housework and cooking. I sat and cried and did crossword puzzles! The puzzles focused my attention on something besides the devastation. I could have been surrounded by rubbish and I didn\'t care.
Hang in. It really does get better but it takes time.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I would politely, or not, tell them that this is what grieving a child actually looks like. It is normal and you have people to back you up. What is not normal or helpful is people with no idea what it feels like to tell you what you need to do. I now, tell people what it is..politely, but I tell them without apology.
You are doing a fabulous job with what you have to deal with. Suicide adds another dimension altogether. We have so many added \"whys\" and \"could I haves\" to think on. Do what you need, and one day, you WILL wake up and go out and it will be your choice, I promise you.
Sunday made the 6 month mark and I just started doing life again. Last night I cooked a meal that tasted wonderful because I put love into it again. still praying for you to feel surrounded by love that you can feel, Lauri
Gina, you are not in a \"rut\"! You are a grieving mom! No one, no one at all understands what we as moms are going through. And thank God your sister doesn\'t understand. I wouldn\'t wish this trauma and agony on my worst enemy!
I am proud of you for all that you do! A - you made a choice to continue living, B- you speak of your daughter with the greatest of love and respect, C- you come here and write, D- you take care of your home and husband as much as you can. I could go on and on. Others do not have any way to understand your pain. Even my husband, who is not my son\'s father, at times can be critical of \"how I am doing\". I told him I am doing what I need to do..grieve my only child.
You just try to take care of yourself. Rest when you can, write when you can, eat..even a little and as healthfully as possible and stay hydrated. Our loss take a huge toll mentally, spiritually and physically. At first, I did not want to leave my home. Some of us call that \"cocooning\" and I think it is a necessary part of the process. Over time I did get out a bit. I walked, tried to see beauty around me, petted every dog I would see with their owner when I walked, read light- hearted books and also was in books on grief at the same time. And I watched an awful lot of silly television so I wouldn\'t think. I wrote here and in a handwritten journal. I prayed, I cried, I wrote letters to Eddie.
These things helped me in this process but ever so slowly. Over time, there were shifts. A shift in thinking of Ed made me smile...I felt the love, not just the ache.
You are at the very beginning of a long and arduous process. Tightest of hugs and much understanding and wishes for peace. Love to you and precious Cassi, Linda
Others who have not walked in our shoes have no clue. Sometimes just the fact that we are breathing is a miracle. They don\'t understand how difficult it is to just get out of bed, never mind get dressed. In the beginning I lived on peanut butter sandwiches, ice cream and wine. It was all I could handle. Eventually I tried to make myself do one thing a day..vacuum, empty the dishwasher etc. Don\'t let anyone force you to do anything you are not ready to do. Be gentle with yourself and don\'t have high expectations this early in the journey. Sue xi
Of course you don\'t want to!!!! You\'re still in the pit of hell as I call it!!!! Right now it\'s taking every ounce of energy you can muster just to breathe, to stand upright, and to wipe the tears from you eyes and the snot from your face.
And on top of ALL of this, you are cleaning and cooking!! I don\'t think I cleaned or cooked for a good 6 months!! I had three \"jobs\".....1. get out of bed, 2. brush my teeth, and 3. put on real clothes. That was enough!!!!
I tried working....it did not work for me....so I went home for about 2 years. And I did what I could...NOT what anyone else thought I needed to do.
Mostly I came here and poured my heart out to all the moms because they were truly the ONLY ones who could HEAR me.
You are doing amazingly well!!! Don\'t let anyone tell you otherwise and do not let anyone guilt you into doing things you are not ready to do!!!
No darling, you are NOT in a rut!!! You have JUST lost your precious child!!! Our world is too much of a \"fast food\" world. We expect everything instantly. And we are not taught about grief, as if it\'s some taboo never to be discussed. This is why the world, at least here in the good ole USA, tells us to \"get over it\"....\"you\'ve grieved long enough\"...and \"you\'re in a rut\".
Impatience and ignorance.
Thank God for FMO!!!! Where we can be real and hear REAL wisdom and LOVE!!!!
You are doing all you need to do!!!
Breathe! Exhale! Repeat!
Thank You Thank You Thank You...What on earth would I do without you ladies...I so wish I could go to the retreat in August...it will be the month of Cassi\'s birth and the 6 month mark of her passing...but I haven\'t worked since it happened and don\'t see it in the near future...I just can\'t afford it. Being in Florida, I am almost as far away as possible! The plane tickets alone were going to be around $800. But I have heard that next year it might possibly be in Florida...that would be so awesome, and something to look forward to. Again, thank you for validating my feelings...no one understands like a SOTH.
Have you tried to explain FMO to your sister??? when I did, my sister started to understand,,, it took a while,, but I shared what moms wrote,,, how they would respond,,, it helped her be a better sister... sharing this site with others made it easier for me....love ya!
I so agree with what the moms above said... really like the way KandiL listed all the things you are doing. I hope you\'ll type the list out and share it with friends/family who are not recognizing all you are doing... This is a solitary journey in many ways... many people have never thankfully had to deal with the reality you live with every day... Many people put on that brave face and soldier on... If it helps them... they have the right to choose that path... but you have rights too... the biggest one right now... is just to be respected whatever path you take... we do the best we can... one day, one minute sometimes... at a time...
Gina,
It does take soths to REALLY, REALLY understand. You are doing a great job of \"hanging in there.\" The first couple of years are so, so very hard!
Sending love your way,
Leda
You are doing all that you can and that is enough... MORE than enough for today. It goes beyond the need to explain yourself to anyone anymore and perhaps letting them know that IS your reality today and that it will change and evolve as you do. This IS about their fears for you and I know this side very, very well and am so very embarrassed to admit that I do. My own mother lost her son, my older brother, and I had these same kinds of expectations of her because I was so very afraid for her and it was all about me. I was terrified I was losing my mom and after the loss of my brother I just could not handle that. It was \"all about me\" and had NOTHING to do with her. Thank goodness she lived long enough to help companion me for 16 months after the loss of Douglas and I could tell her how very sorry I felt for what I felt she \"should\" be doing after so many months... I will never forget how she took my hand and said, \"How could you have known and I would have never wanted you to know.\"
Each day you are taking heroic steps on this path by working through it in your way and in your own time. There are no goals and no finish lines to reach.
Love to you dearest Gina, and keep journaling and coming here where you are understood beyond measure.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
ARE THESE PEOPLE IN TOUCH WITH ANY REALITY AT ALL?????? How DARE anyone tell you to \"get over it\", to \"get up and get out\", or anything other such thing. Not ONE of them has suffered what you are suffering. You are in the early months and what I have to say may mean (if you take my advice) that you need to cut off contact with ANY TOXIC PERSON, then DO IT: the only thing anyone can say to you right now is: \"I don\'t understand the magnitude of your loss, but I love you, and I am here for you, and I will not judge you.\"
IF THEY CANNOT SAY THIS, OR SAY ANYTHING THAT SETS YOU BACK, DO NOT TALK TO THEM. I lost a friend of over 40 years; I lost another friend of over 15 years; I was then essentially alone. I\'m still alive. With the grace of God, you will deal with this IN YOUR OWN WAY AND IN YOUR OWN TIME. It will take a very long time. In fact, if you live to be 100, there will be \"bad\" moments, perhaps even \"bad\" hours or even \"bad\" days. There\'s no CURE for what just happened to you sister. There are plenty of people who JUDGE others but pay little attention to themselves. These are TOXIC. Turn on your answering machine: screen your calls. Do not read emails from toxic people, delete. No one who is in touch with reality would consider you capable to do anything but what you are now doing, and it is no one\'s BUSINESS what you are doing, not even your husband\'s.
You lost an only child, a beloved daughter, whom you knew was at great risk and for whom you did everything possible. And you lost her in a way that is worse than a car accident, worse than cancer, worse even than murder (although I imagine that to be equally horrific). NO ONE other than those who share your loss in the same way can come close to understanding. NO ONE. The fact that you are still alive is, to me, a validation of God\'s movement in your life and your own mental STABILITY. You are not insane; you are not unstable; you are in the beginning of a path that is torturous, merciless, and requires the help of others: a good psychotherapist who is experienced with patients surviving the suicide of children (THANK YOU GOD that I found one); a good priest or pastor who can hear your anger against God, your confusion about His will, and still stand between you and despair, in prayer, in counseling. A strong prayer support group who will (believe me) continue praying for you daily.
What you are feeling and doing is NORMAL under the circumstances. May God forgive those who think they can judge you or advise you or counsel you, unless they are able to empathize fully because they have had the experience, or they are trained to deal with the experience. For the rest of them: be they parent, sibling, close friend, etc.: two words: F888k them.
Don\'t let ANYONE dictate to you what THEY think you should be doing! You are doing exactly what you need to be doing and taking care of YOU! You are doing so much more than I was two years ago. To this day I still have days that I can\'t get dressed, but those days are becoming fewer and further between just like yours will. It never hit me before I lost my son just how cruel the words \"Life goes on\" can be. Mine stopped for a long time and I am just now trying to put it back together again. If you do lose friends and family then it is their loss and if they desert you at this time then maybe that is a good thing. They ones who are there when you need them and don\'t push you to do more than you can are the only ones you want in your life anyway. Sending you warm gentle and healing hugs....Kathy
4 months into this journey is very early--give yourself plenty of slack during this early timeThis is a long haul flightNo amount of anyone urging you, will speed up YOUR processOthers can supportbut you will carry the load... so you must tell others to back off if they\'re pushing you past your comfort zone. If they don\'t like ittough! They\'re not in your shoes and should not criticize youBaby stepsLove, Donna
Gina, sweetie you are doing more than I can do, most of the time. You are truly amazing and must not sell yourself short. My son died over two years ago and right now I am still in my gown, reading journals. Why??? Because this is my safe haven and I need all of my soth.
Nobody but you knows how you feel. Stay away from thoughtless and negative people. Be gentle with yourself. I wish I could \"really\" hug you. I could use a big hug myself. We will make it through, together...
((((HUGS))))....Julia