Borderline Personality Disorder
I received the diagnosis many years ago and dismissed it. Now I look back and wonder how I could have missed it?
BPD describes the reality of my existence perfectly. It explains so much. The inability to connect to people at work, me loving and fighting for them so passionately, them indifferent or worse, rejecting. My fellow rotarians, who have been such a big part of my picture of the things I value in life, who left me to die literally when I needed them most. My child who after 15 years moved into another woman's home and gave to her the honor, respect and loyalty which I thought was mine for life.
BPD explains the wildly uncontrollable temper tantrums at home and at work. It explains the hours of fuming and fussing at the slightest infractions, the inability to calm myself, the constant and ongoing stress that has been our home. I now understand the hell my child has lived through, a hell caused not by CFS but by BPD.
I was "high functioning". I'm beginning to hate that term because in my desperate attempt to maintain the life I wanted for myself, I very adeptly covered and hid from the world and from myself, the signs of serious disorders and a desperate need for help. CFS tore away the screens and revealed my issues for what they are.
I DO NOT WANT ANY OF THIS!!
I do not want Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I do not want Bipolar Disorder and I sure as hell do not want Borderline Personality Disorder. Life with any one of the three is potentially unbearable and difficult for the afflicted and all who love them. Living with all three in tandem ?!?!
But it is comforting to have a name for my experience. Not having a name did not make it less real, just more confusing and frustrating. I know now that yes, I AM broken, but I'm not the only one. This is known, it is predictable and it is treatable.
I look at the causation for BPD and I think "my God I didn't stand a chance". Genetic predisposition and childhood dysfunction .. emotional & verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, witnessing violence in the home. Across the board, ALL these things were my reality. I dd not bring this on myself, avoiding this was not in my power. That brings some comfort.
BPD co-occuring with Bipolar Disorder is not uncommon. I am seeing many similarities with CFS as well. It is all making sense, CFS is a part of my soul's cry for help.
It helps to know I am not lazy, I am not steeped in victim mentality looking for someone to blame for my failures. For me healing will not be as simple as forgiveness, mediation and affirmations. It's not about determination, diet and exercise. It is so much more and will require so much more to move forward.
Having a name validates the innate knowing that I have always had that I was broken in some way. Not trying to beat up on myself, just knowing that some things which were available to others were not available to me, like the simple ability to connect to others in a real, meaningful and lasting way. Ironic that I am naturally ebullient and charismatic, drawing people to me easily..but only to a point.
The knowing brings comfort but at the same time it paints a dismal picture. I've lost the most meaningful relationship in my life, the one that I had the opportunity to nurture and grow unconditionally for 15 years. I'll never get that chance again. I know now that I never had the capability to sustain the kind of relationship that I have always desired.
Such a pity, because all my life I really just wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am. Yes I have a few cracks and gouges but I am still beautiful. And all I ever wanted was for people to see and appreciate that.
The storm has passed, but in its aftermath I look around me and I see a barren landscape bereft of promise and UP seems and awfully long way away.
I can't help but think why God would take this bright, ebullient, happy spirit and place it in circumstances designed to cripple it. What is he trying to bring out in me?
I must trust that there is some purpose to it.
BPD describes the reality of my existence perfectly. It explains so much. The inability to connect to people at work, me loving and fighting for them so passionately, them indifferent or worse, rejecting. My fellow rotarians, who have been such a big part of my picture of the things I value in life, who left me to die literally when I needed them most. My child who after 15 years moved into another woman's home and gave to her the honor, respect and loyalty which I thought was mine for life.
BPD explains the wildly uncontrollable temper tantrums at home and at work. It explains the hours of fuming and fussing at the slightest infractions, the inability to calm myself, the constant and ongoing stress that has been our home. I now understand the hell my child has lived through, a hell caused not by CFS but by BPD.
I was "high functioning". I'm beginning to hate that term because in my desperate attempt to maintain the life I wanted for myself, I very adeptly covered and hid from the world and from myself, the signs of serious disorders and a desperate need for help. CFS tore away the screens and revealed my issues for what they are.
I DO NOT WANT ANY OF THIS!!
I do not want Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I do not want Bipolar Disorder and I sure as hell do not want Borderline Personality Disorder. Life with any one of the three is potentially unbearable and difficult for the afflicted and all who love them. Living with all three in tandem ?!?!
But it is comforting to have a name for my experience. Not having a name did not make it less real, just more confusing and frustrating. I know now that yes, I AM broken, but I'm not the only one. This is known, it is predictable and it is treatable.
I look at the causation for BPD and I think "my God I didn't stand a chance". Genetic predisposition and childhood dysfunction .. emotional & verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, witnessing violence in the home. Across the board, ALL these things were my reality. I dd not bring this on myself, avoiding this was not in my power. That brings some comfort.
BPD co-occuring with Bipolar Disorder is not uncommon. I am seeing many similarities with CFS as well. It is all making sense, CFS is a part of my soul's cry for help.
It helps to know I am not lazy, I am not steeped in victim mentality looking for someone to blame for my failures. For me healing will not be as simple as forgiveness, mediation and affirmations. It's not about determination, diet and exercise. It is so much more and will require so much more to move forward.
Having a name validates the innate knowing that I have always had that I was broken in some way. Not trying to beat up on myself, just knowing that some things which were available to others were not available to me, like the simple ability to connect to others in a real, meaningful and lasting way. Ironic that I am naturally ebullient and charismatic, drawing people to me easily..but only to a point.
The knowing brings comfort but at the same time it paints a dismal picture. I've lost the most meaningful relationship in my life, the one that I had the opportunity to nurture and grow unconditionally for 15 years. I'll never get that chance again. I know now that I never had the capability to sustain the kind of relationship that I have always desired.
Such a pity, because all my life I really just wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am. Yes I have a few cracks and gouges but I am still beautiful. And all I ever wanted was for people to see and appreciate that.
The storm has passed, but in its aftermath I look around me and I see a barren landscape bereft of promise and UP seems and awfully long way away.
I can't help but think why God would take this bright, ebullient, happy spirit and place it in circumstances designed to cripple it. What is he trying to bring out in me?
I must trust that there is some purpose to it.
Replies
I\'m assuming from what you are saying here that you are not in treatment for BPD. I know some people with BPD and taking the proper medications have totally transformed their experience. I am SO sorry to hear that BPD and CFS have stolen so much from you. I can\'t stress enough how important it is to go to a psychiatrist and get the proper treatment. BPD is treatable, but you need to stick with the meds and go to treatment. It seems like an ending, but I see a beginning here. There is an opportunity for things to get better now that you are accepting what the situation is. Many blessings on you, dear friend.
i\'m praying for you max..........and hugging you from afar........but it\'s a really good hug! xoxoxoxo..........a lot shared here, a lot to take in and reflect upon........got a lot of brave going on......and a shining intelligence......we all have cracks and crevices but we are lovable........we are precious, we are golden. lean into those thoughts for a minute, despite all of our challenges we are also made in HIS image.......and each of us has a purpose and a plan. g\'night love........
Wow Max! My daughter has BPD. She wasn\'t diagnosed until she was nineteen. We went all through High School thinking she was just near crazy! She had a high IQ, but was always confused, or angry or complaining, or sleeping, or cleaning! It was crazy. Treatment for her was two pills! It changed her life. A mood stabalizer and an anti-anxiety med seemed to mellow her out. We had to play with the meds for months to get it right. Krystin also has lupus! We didn\'t find that out till she was in her twenties. OH GOODNESS! This poor child. What she had to endure to have no name to her feelings, as you said, and to try and maintain relationships. I thank God I never called her lazy or stupid. She was neither. Once diagnosed her life turned around. Your life will turn around too.
We don\'t know why God lays such horrific burdens at our feet, except to teach us to lean on Him to get through it. Krystin has come out of the other side of her illnesses. Once she understand the \"why\" of her behavior, she was able to take some control back and that meant everything to her.
Praying for you sweet soul. You are are wise. You will pray this through and know that God has a plan that you cannot see right now.....for your life. One dy at a time, Max. CFS has been an eye opener for many of us, into other problems lying beneath the surface in our lives. xo
Dearest Max, This is a revelation for you and not a sentence to be deemed to hurt and sadness dear Heart. By the Grace of God you can and will come through this with your tender soul in tact.
I believe this is good news for you presently to finally comprehend why some of your behavior has hurt you, because as mentioned already it\'s treatable. YAY! My warm gentle Hugs for you Max I thought oh Lord, why breast cancer on top of CFS?! I still don\'t know the answer but I know without a doubt I can get better or bitter. I choose better within my love for God\'s creation. My son is extremely bitter towards life and towards me and I don\'t have BPD so go figure. I can feel your pain when it comes to your son. My son is 45 and I miss him and 3 grandsons dearly, and I can only pray for them.
I am sooo happy for you now that you can be treated and feel like a new Max.
I will keep you in my prayers dear heart always.
Much Love & Gentle warm Hugs