blow the dam

I want to journal..I have so much going on.  I just am not sure I can put this in to words without being all disjointed.  My brain is all over the place.  Yesterday, the whole jenga tower came crashing down and I was finally able to cry.  Now that I turned on the faucet I'm not sure I can make it stop.  I almost started to cry again while listening to music on the way to work.

I made a friend in class.  He also suffers from anxiety and depression.  There is a lot of attraction there also and I am miserable at home so trying to work out the boundaries of this new friendship is proving a little complicated.  The night before last he told me he was up late doing his last final.  I texted a good night and said talk to you in the morning..which was yesterday.  Yesterday was a nightmare.

I'm being told to sit in this 4 day training to learn a software at work as backup because this will be the 4th time they have had a trainer out for these dumb bimbos at work they hired for purchasing.  The first day was super long and I worked from 7am to 6pm..I was already super wiped at the end of the day.  Yesterday, I started out like normal.  I texted my new friend a good morning and started clearing what tickets I could before this training thing started.  After I while I sent a couple more texts..thinking that he had overslept.  I went into the training.  It is SUPER boring so I was left to sit there and worry and play the what if game.  What if something bad happened to him?  What if he just doesn't really want to be my friend?  All negative..and stuck in that meeting with no other way to distract myself.  Then they decide to fire the CEO while we were in this training.  They call a mandatory meeting for most of the staff and we are left to explain to this vendor..who is there yet again, why he has to sit and do nothing for half an hour while there is an emergency staff meeting.  Highly embarassing and unprofessional to say the least. We are finally ready to resume the training. At about 11:30 my boss comes to get me and says we are being summoned to HR.  I say what for?  He says it has something to do with you telling them that manager needs more training.

It's a complicated story and the details don't really matter that much.  Basically, I was told to butt out and not say anything if I feel someone needs further training. Hmm..thought that was part of my job, but whatever.  I told my boss I was leaving for lunch.  Up until this point I had still not heard from my friend,  the night before Steve had been pretty drunk, and I was already super tired from the long day before.  I sat in the parking lot at Subway and started to cry.  My friend finally had started to text me that he had overslept after all.  I am my own worst enemy...I blew everything up.  I tried to tell him that I am just broken and he should just forget the whole thing but he showed up at the Subway and I stood there like and idiot crying, literally, on his shoulder.  I finally calmed down enough to choke down some food and go back to work.  I did not want to be there and could give a shit less anymore..I was only there to cover my boss who had to go to another location for a meeting.  I have a good boss..for him I stayed.  You try and care about things and do the right thing and you get your ass chewed.  They can all go to hell. 

Today, I am just numb.  I tried to tell my friend last night that I was not going to be a good force in his life.  He said I was just having a really bad day and that it happens to everyone.  ....maybe..but I feel like I am being attacked on all fronts now.  Steve is being super sweet last night...but still drank..although not as blitzed as the night before. still, I know how this works...be super supportive and sweet and make me feel like there is no real problem between us and it's all in my head.  Yeah, you bring me cheescake and tell me to relax and take care of things.  I watch and silently count the drinks...he's not obnoxious and doesn't fall asleep though.  Still, it's just feed her enough to calm her down.  He still sleeps on the couch like it's normal and what all couples do.  I remind myself that it's ok to still love him and not want to live like that.

I feel like I just need to isolate myself.  I feel mean today..I'm probably going to get fired if they try and push me again today.  I already got told that I looked upset..ya think?  fucking morons. 

I told my friend last night..I feel kind of dumb that I did not see my breakdown coming ..I mean..I am starting to poke at things that I have let lie for a very long time...add any kind of stress and it was bound to be bad tidings.