Blah
With my EMDR therapist sick - I noticed that I stopped writing - stopped meditating. I started to feel extremely disconnected from myself. I felt. ..blah. dark. It all came to a head when mom was over last Saturday night. She sleeps in a trundle bed with my daughter and they have fun "slumber parties". However, mom is not allowed to be with my daughter alone ( a place where my daughter cant reach me or my husband). Not allowed to take her anywhere. While my husband and I were sleeping - she took my daughter to mc donalds. When I got up I realized she straught up just ignored our rules. I asked her to come to the kitchen to confront her and she said basically, that she will do what she wants regardless of what I say. It was a weird response from my mom - who, although she completely has no respect for my wishes - usually lies about it. She will, to my face say that she cares deeply about my wishes and then goes one to act clearly in the opposite way. This was a huge trigger - I started writing again, started meditating again - started getting connected to my dissociated parts - and I've been really sad ever since. I've read a few posts today - and i'm starting to feel - more whole again. less alone again. even though it's sad - its not a feeling of being "lost" . is it possible that if you don't tune in on the "now" that one can sort of dissociate by default? that not dissociating is an effort to stay "here"? it's good to be back.
Replies
Well at least your mom was up front about the gact that you can't trust her one little bit. It is hard for a person with integrity to enter the primitive mindset of someone who is solely attuned to their own wants and needs. I think my momis like that too.
It seems like you've learned something really important by your therapist being gone: that you already have the tools to be there for yourself and take care of yourself, and that you need to do so. I'm not sure i understood what you wrote about dissociation. It's a confusing subject for me. All i can say is, Welcome Back!
Thanks Donnawanda. It's true! I do have these tools to help myself.. i did not think of that. Regarding the last confusing piece... I feel connected with my inner landscape or my dissociated parts by meditating and writing and taking an explicit effort to stay "connected" with these parts -with myself. If I don't make this explicit effort - to find friends on dailystrengh - to meditate - to write - if I tend to dissociate in general. In order to not dissociate - on a daily - constant basis - I need to do activites that keep me connected to myself and to the "now". Just a thought.
I keep making grammatical mistakes that make it even more confusing. sorry. I think its possible that my default way of being is in a state of dissocation. The only way to keep from dissociating is to make an explicit effort to meditate, read and post on daily strength and write. If I don't do these things - If I don't pay attention -I live - in general - dissociated.
I understand. This is very common for survivors. My therapist gave me a book to work with on this very topic - I'll look it up if you like. I actually found the book upsetting because it kept reminding me of dissociation in a way that was kind of freaking me out. I'm not sure if my default way of being in the world is dissociated or not. What a strange thing it all is.