bit** got issues

I have issues... I just need to figure out how to handle them. 

It's been 92 days since I had a smoke.

Yesterday I had SOOOOO much coffee...I have no idea how many cups, I lost track.  By the time I left to go home from work, my heart was racing like crazy.  There was a big diesel spill on the freeway here and it took me an hour and a half of sitting in traffic to get home.  I almost had an anxiety attack on the freeway.  This is new for me..driving is usually my peaceful place...just the thought that I could just keep going and not come back usually makes me  pretty happy, LOL.  Yesterday, though, all I could think of was that I was going to have a heart attack while sitting stuck between all these stupid trucks.  Maybe I just need to be scared more like that.  It scared me enough that I only had herbal tea when I got home.  Fear of death is not a trigger for me.  I would welcome a quick end to this life..it's the fear of being a vegetable ( and that is how my luck rolls) that really triggers me.  Being unable to care for myself and alone.  I was watching an episode of Chicago Med the other night...this girl that they thought was in a coma for 5 years..turns out ..not in a coma at all...completely paralyzed and trapped in her own body....that is what would probably happen to me.  FML...I'm already on cup 4 and it's not even 8am yet.  Why does it have to taste SOOOO good?? 

Problem number 2:  Since I quit the smoking...I'm so hungry all the time.  I have gained back most of what I lost.  The problem is NOT The diet, the problem is ME.  I had a whole bag of M&M peanuts and a slice of apple pie yesterday.  Yup, i'm the problem.  I don't plan on starting to smoke again, so I better figure this out.  Sometimes I get so frustrated that I just say fuck it....be the fat girl...embrace it.  Soon class will be done and I will get to my equipment in the garage.  I will find a way through this...the weather is getting nicer and the dog could use the exercise too.  Get off your lazy ass and go for a walk!  Put the F'ng puzzle down!!!  Happy Tuesday.