Birthday Aftermath

Yesterday was the weirdest birthday I ever had. 

First of all,  I want to say thank you to all those that wished me happy birthday yesterday.  I appreciate it so much I can't even say.  It lifts that horrible weight that I feel on my chest just a fraction.

I woke feeling so tired and depressed and did not want to get out of bed.  Part of it was from being up the night before with my stomach being all weird.  I'm sure it's all the food that I am not used to eating messing me up.  My ex sent me a text saying happy birthday.  I just gave a simple thanks.  I'm not sure why he even bothered since he has a new girlfriend and all. 

Wednesday night I went to dinner with two of my girlfriends and the kids.  Is it bad if the best date I've had was with a 7 year old?  My friends son Jake is so cute and he told me he wanted to buy me a bear for my birthday and that I was not allowed to date men whose picture he deemed scary.  Super cute.

I was having that anxiety in the morning but the girls brought me flowers and a balloon and another girl made me these little paleo chocolate cakes that were super yummy.  Not that I have been sticking to the diet.  I am gaining weight like crazy and even the loose jeans feel tight today. 

After work I ended up talking to my brother, his wife and my adorable nephews.  I was also on the phone with my mom for quite a while.  It kept me busy enough not to dwell on how lonely I was. 

Now it is Friday.  I just woke so tired and depressed and wanted to just lay there and not get up.  My boss scheduled a training here this morning that I said I would not miss so I'm here but just going through the motions. 

The weight on my chest is back.  It is a sad, heavy weight that also bears a touch of panic and anxiety with it.  I went on a couple of dates but so many people are deceptive about who they are.  They use pictures from ten years ago..what is the point of that?  You are going to meet them eventually anyway ...so dumb.  Then of course, when you refuse to put out on the first or second date you never hear from them again.  Sorry, even if I wasn't broken I would not be that kind of girl.

I close my eyes and keep searching myself for the answers but nothing seems to come.  I don't think staying here in the Central Valley is what I want but I don't want to move until I am sure what direction to go.  I think about moving down to San Diego with my mom, but it is even more expensive down there than here.  I think of Texas also,  my nephews are so adorable but not sure my brother and I could get along for any length of time.  I still miss Arizona, but there is no one for me there either and I would basically be on my own, as I am here. 

I think I am just meant to be alone and that as long as I keep fighting against it, and trying to meet someone that I will be miserable. I know the key is learning to be happy all by myself...or is that my screwed up head trying to isolate even more?  I isolate on purpose and push people away and then I am lonely.  WTF?  Always the broken girl. 

Sometimes it is hard to separate the unhealthy thoughts from the healthy ones, if any healthy ones even exist.