Big day tomorrow
Can't sleep. Not sure if it's the nerves or the gambling.
Going to lay down soon.
Not going to get much sleep. Hopeful that I can stay on my diet even while I'm that tired.
***
BTW, I was just in the food addiction forum. I've never told my story publicly before. It was chilling to see it in print. I understand what happened to me now. I'll copy it here:
I am 30 years old. I was anorexic when I was eleven years old and I starved myself down to 70 pounds on a five-foot-three inch frame. After recovery, which was never complete, I managed to eat nothing more than 2 nutrition bars or shakes and a small dinner nearly every day until I was 24 or 25. At that point, I went through some difficulties in my life, and I started eating more and more freely. I became hooked on a variety of foods, especially fried rice, French fries with cheese and bacon, bacon cheeseburgers, McDonald's steak egg and cheese bagels, loaded potato skins with cheese and bacon, oil-based pastas, creamy pastas, potato chips, Pad Thai, sour candy, and little miniature chocolate caramels. Oh, and Diet Coke -- up to seven cans a day. I gained 40 pounds between age 24 and 30, and was diagnosed with insulin resistance and put on diabetes medication. I finally decided enough was enough. Just last month I started to see a dietitian and get help. Over the past six weeks I have given up fried food, fast food, junk food, and oil-soaked food, but I miss it and could use a support system. On the plus side, I have lost 12.5 pounds in the six weeks. But I could use some emotional support.
*****Wow, I understand my relationship with food now. It was so restrictive, and then so free. And then, now again, I'm starting to regain control of it.
But it's hard. It's hard to balance where the line is between "healthy" and "anorexic" or at least "orthorexic". I am a perfectionist, and I can't let perfection be the enemy of good. For the past six weeks, I've lost 12.5 total pounds, eating an average of 1600-1700 calories per day and walking about seven miles a day (not all fitness walking -- this is measured on a Fitbit). But I feel like I need to accelerate the process. Just today, I cut my green juice down to 6 oz (from 12 oz) and ate only half of my vegan lunch plate. I probably only consumed 1000 calories. That's not good. I also ate a piece of pizza for dinner and was totally beating myself up over how much I enjoyed it internally.
I have to drive to a neighboring state tomorrow for a big business meeting and I'm petrified that I'm going to want to stop at McDonald's for breakfast or blow it completely due to the stress.
I used to deal with the stress of adulthood with gambling and food. Sometimes one or the other; sometimes both. (The casino did have particularly amazing gourmet food, especially with comps!) I've been trying to manage stress with other means, like taking a walk, breathing deeply in and out for 5 counts, seeing a therapist, doing the GA group, talking to a friend about my issues, talking to my SO about my issues, journaling, writing here, reading books on nutrition (which helps -- I really do want to reverse my health conditions), and reading books on gambling addiction.
I guess I always thought that I was going to have my life so perfect and under control when I got to be an adult. I was always such a perfect kid. I tried really, really hard not to do anything wrong. And then...I don't know. Part of me wanted to let go, part of me knew that I was always trying to fit into a certain "box" that didn't quite fit anymore (or maybe never really did). Part of me wanted to let loose and have fun and eat everything delicious and go gamble all of the money and keep on playing and letting my hair down and being wild...and part of me realized, finally, that I was destroying my health and self-esteem and happiness and confidence and love for life and zest for true hard work. I was ruining myself with my vices.
Maybe I'm a person who takes things to extremes. Seeing my story written there...wow. Hard to believe something I did as a child, at 11 years old, over nineteen years ago, still affects me to this day. But it does. It really, really does.
I need to take a few deep breaths. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.
I guess, if I'm going anywhere with it, it's to say that I recognize I had issues, and that I am in the process of letting go and recovering from these issues. Gambling addiction and poor food choices do not serve me. And though I have been gambling for nine years and overeating for five, I can reverse these habits and patterns. It will not be recovery overnight. It will not be easy. It will not be like flicking a switch. I have spent over 3,000 days with gambling in my life in some way and over 1,500 days with fried food passing through my lips on every single day. On the other hand, I have made it 35-36 days without gambling and 14 days without fried food. It's almost laughable, the fact that it's like 1% of each. You can't reverse 100% with 1%. You can start to notice big changes when the proportions are more like 100% and 20%, or 100% and 33%.
And that will take months. Months and months. Years, even, in the case of gambling.
It will get easier. I'm learning to find joy elsewhere. And, more importantly, I'm learning how not to run and escape to medicate my feelings with gambling or food. There are other ways to deal with my issues. I need to be strong and be brave and love myself enough to only do things that serve me, as much as I can.
Going to lay down soon.
Not going to get much sleep. Hopeful that I can stay on my diet even while I'm that tired.
***
BTW, I was just in the food addiction forum. I've never told my story publicly before. It was chilling to see it in print. I understand what happened to me now. I'll copy it here:
I am 30 years old. I was anorexic when I was eleven years old and I starved myself down to 70 pounds on a five-foot-three inch frame. After recovery, which was never complete, I managed to eat nothing more than 2 nutrition bars or shakes and a small dinner nearly every day until I was 24 or 25. At that point, I went through some difficulties in my life, and I started eating more and more freely. I became hooked on a variety of foods, especially fried rice, French fries with cheese and bacon, bacon cheeseburgers, McDonald's steak egg and cheese bagels, loaded potato skins with cheese and bacon, oil-based pastas, creamy pastas, potato chips, Pad Thai, sour candy, and little miniature chocolate caramels. Oh, and Diet Coke -- up to seven cans a day. I gained 40 pounds between age 24 and 30, and was diagnosed with insulin resistance and put on diabetes medication. I finally decided enough was enough. Just last month I started to see a dietitian and get help. Over the past six weeks I have given up fried food, fast food, junk food, and oil-soaked food, but I miss it and could use a support system. On the plus side, I have lost 12.5 pounds in the six weeks. But I could use some emotional support.
*****Wow, I understand my relationship with food now. It was so restrictive, and then so free. And then, now again, I'm starting to regain control of it.
But it's hard. It's hard to balance where the line is between "healthy" and "anorexic" or at least "orthorexic". I am a perfectionist, and I can't let perfection be the enemy of good. For the past six weeks, I've lost 12.5 total pounds, eating an average of 1600-1700 calories per day and walking about seven miles a day (not all fitness walking -- this is measured on a Fitbit). But I feel like I need to accelerate the process. Just today, I cut my green juice down to 6 oz (from 12 oz) and ate only half of my vegan lunch plate. I probably only consumed 1000 calories. That's not good. I also ate a piece of pizza for dinner and was totally beating myself up over how much I enjoyed it internally.
I have to drive to a neighboring state tomorrow for a big business meeting and I'm petrified that I'm going to want to stop at McDonald's for breakfast or blow it completely due to the stress.
I used to deal with the stress of adulthood with gambling and food. Sometimes one or the other; sometimes both. (The casino did have particularly amazing gourmet food, especially with comps!) I've been trying to manage stress with other means, like taking a walk, breathing deeply in and out for 5 counts, seeing a therapist, doing the GA group, talking to a friend about my issues, talking to my SO about my issues, journaling, writing here, reading books on nutrition (which helps -- I really do want to reverse my health conditions), and reading books on gambling addiction.
I guess I always thought that I was going to have my life so perfect and under control when I got to be an adult. I was always such a perfect kid. I tried really, really hard not to do anything wrong. And then...I don't know. Part of me wanted to let go, part of me knew that I was always trying to fit into a certain "box" that didn't quite fit anymore (or maybe never really did). Part of me wanted to let loose and have fun and eat everything delicious and go gamble all of the money and keep on playing and letting my hair down and being wild...and part of me realized, finally, that I was destroying my health and self-esteem and happiness and confidence and love for life and zest for true hard work. I was ruining myself with my vices.
Maybe I'm a person who takes things to extremes. Seeing my story written there...wow. Hard to believe something I did as a child, at 11 years old, over nineteen years ago, still affects me to this day. But it does. It really, really does.
I need to take a few deep breaths. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.
I guess, if I'm going anywhere with it, it's to say that I recognize I had issues, and that I am in the process of letting go and recovering from these issues. Gambling addiction and poor food choices do not serve me. And though I have been gambling for nine years and overeating for five, I can reverse these habits and patterns. It will not be recovery overnight. It will not be easy. It will not be like flicking a switch. I have spent over 3,000 days with gambling in my life in some way and over 1,500 days with fried food passing through my lips on every single day. On the other hand, I have made it 35-36 days without gambling and 14 days without fried food. It's almost laughable, the fact that it's like 1% of each. You can't reverse 100% with 1%. You can start to notice big changes when the proportions are more like 100% and 20%, or 100% and 33%.
And that will take months. Months and months. Years, even, in the case of gambling.
It will get easier. I'm learning to find joy elsewhere. And, more importantly, I'm learning how not to run and escape to medicate my feelings with gambling or food. There are other ways to deal with my issues. I need to be strong and be brave and love myself enough to only do things that serve me, as much as I can.
Replies