better day for the most part
Woke up at 5:45am, 15 minutes prior to my alarm taking off. Today was Capital Sprints- the regatta that my parent's are in charge of. I had a ton of energy this morning, bouncing up and down. Ate a very filling breakfast and then Carlos and I were on our way downtown for the regatta. I was scheduled to drive a launch from 0730-1130 and direct boat traffic on the water. Aka yell at the coxswains that are idiots. It was quite fun :)
There was not very much to do, so I was in the launch letting the rays from the sun beat down on me. I am so very glad that I decided to bring my book, Eating in the Light of the Moon, with me plus my ipod! Listened to music and read/took notes in my book. Finally finished it!!! It looks like it has been through hell and back with all the markings and being so worn out. I found the first half of the book to be more insightful than the second half. The first half I took more notes, analyzed, and interpreted many more facts than the second half. They say that this book helps with recovery and aids people in finding reasons to move forward- but not so much for me. It was not triggering by any means- it was very empowering. Though to me it just made me more aware of various things and just added to my psychological knowledge. Today after finishing the book I realized and remembered something that I never before had. I will write that at the end. I am almost too embarassed to write it on here.
While driving the launch I noticed a log in the middle of the race course right before the finish line. As this can be a danger to boats I went over to pull it out. It did not look that big- then I grabbed it. Slipped out of my hands. It was HUGE. About 10ft long, 1ft wide and 2in deep. Covered in SLIM!!! From the Anacostia River which is where they find dead people (NOT KIDDING). After many tries I was able to get this super heavy board out of the water- almost flipped the launch a few times. As I got it in the boat I basically had to drag it over myself...little did I know there were NAILS in it!! OWIEEEEEE.
Anyways...that was basically my day so far. I am exhausted now. Sooo tired. I did eat very well though! Not happy about it, had a full breakfast and a large sub for lunch- that was forced in me. blahhh. Also still very frustrated that no one responds to me. Yes, I really appreciate everyone on here and your comments (even if I don't like them at that moment in time) because it makes me feel like there is someone out there that cares.
Ok....so here it goes....what I have NEVER said before.
As I think about it, maybe I did binge in college. Now I remember stealing roomates' food from the fridge. Buying things in the store because I wanted food so badly, but then I would feel so horrible feeling that way, but I still wanted all the food so badly. So I would grab all that I could. I would put an ungodly amount of food in my mouth, chew it so I could get the taste of the glorious food...then spit it out. I would do this secretly in my room and then would barely eat anything in front of others. As I write this I amcrying because I feel so ridiculous. I am a complete failure for doing that. How could I let my self get so incrediblyn out of control, it is so disgusting. I am absolutely disgusted in myself. I cannot believe that I did that. I was such a mother fucking fat ass pig. And even more pathetic, I never purged any of the shit. I never purged until last year. Well, I exercised my heart out to get rid of the shit I consumed. But I'm sure I still got a ton of calories from chewing. Hence why I became so fucking fat. Ahh I feel so gross now. bahhhhghhhh. I also smoked a lot so that I would not want to eat after. Eating after would of destroyed the taste of the cigarettes.
I am mortified by this.
There was not very much to do, so I was in the launch letting the rays from the sun beat down on me. I am so very glad that I decided to bring my book, Eating in the Light of the Moon, with me plus my ipod! Listened to music and read/took notes in my book. Finally finished it!!! It looks like it has been through hell and back with all the markings and being so worn out. I found the first half of the book to be more insightful than the second half. The first half I took more notes, analyzed, and interpreted many more facts than the second half. They say that this book helps with recovery and aids people in finding reasons to move forward- but not so much for me. It was not triggering by any means- it was very empowering. Though to me it just made me more aware of various things and just added to my psychological knowledge. Today after finishing the book I realized and remembered something that I never before had. I will write that at the end. I am almost too embarassed to write it on here.
While driving the launch I noticed a log in the middle of the race course right before the finish line. As this can be a danger to boats I went over to pull it out. It did not look that big- then I grabbed it. Slipped out of my hands. It was HUGE. About 10ft long, 1ft wide and 2in deep. Covered in SLIM!!! From the Anacostia River which is where they find dead people (NOT KIDDING). After many tries I was able to get this super heavy board out of the water- almost flipped the launch a few times. As I got it in the boat I basically had to drag it over myself...little did I know there were NAILS in it!! OWIEEEEEE.
Anyways...that was basically my day so far. I am exhausted now. Sooo tired. I did eat very well though! Not happy about it, had a full breakfast and a large sub for lunch- that was forced in me. blahhh. Also still very frustrated that no one responds to me. Yes, I really appreciate everyone on here and your comments (even if I don't like them at that moment in time) because it makes me feel like there is someone out there that cares.
Ok....so here it goes....what I have NEVER said before.
As I think about it, maybe I did binge in college. Now I remember stealing roomates' food from the fridge. Buying things in the store because I wanted food so badly, but then I would feel so horrible feeling that way, but I still wanted all the food so badly. So I would grab all that I could. I would put an ungodly amount of food in my mouth, chew it so I could get the taste of the glorious food...then spit it out. I would do this secretly in my room and then would barely eat anything in front of others. As I write this I amcrying because I feel so ridiculous. I am a complete failure for doing that. How could I let my self get so incrediblyn out of control, it is so disgusting. I am absolutely disgusted in myself. I cannot believe that I did that. I was such a mother fucking fat ass pig. And even more pathetic, I never purged any of the shit. I never purged until last year. Well, I exercised my heart out to get rid of the shit I consumed. But I'm sure I still got a ton of calories from chewing. Hence why I became so fucking fat. Ahh I feel so gross now. bahhhhghhhh. I also smoked a lot so that I would not want to eat after. Eating after would of destroyed the taste of the cigarettes.
I am mortified by this.
Replies
You know the story about the log could be a total sign. Our recovery speaker today read us the story of the log in the river today. It\'s out of the book Eating in the light of the moon, so I\'m sure you know what I\'m talking about. Don\'t you think that is pretty clear what God or whoever wants you to do?
I don\'t get what you mean about the responses on here. Are you saying not enough people respond or do you not want us to respond???
I don\'t see why you should be be ashamed of what you went through. We all need to let go of the shame that comes with ed. I have taken stuff out of the trash and eaten it because I was so desperate and starved that I just needed something. That\'s a good one for shame but once I told my therapist and hubby I felt relieved. So please tell Joanna next time you see her. It might be another piece in your puzzle that needs to be processed.
I agree I think if you tell Joanna about what you just wrote about your experience in college...its a lot of shame, I am the same way with Karrin...we I have so much shame I tell and it sure does help, or at least able to work on seperating things..
OMG Karin! That\'s the book I just finished reading and I think I wrote a journal entry about that passage in the book!!! If I didn\'t post it on here then i wrote it in my hand-written journal...I\'ll type it up and put it on here later.
In regards to the responses, I meant responses from people that I have made plans with etc. What i was talking about yesterday in my journal. Like Jill/Joanna/My friend/My sister....no one responding to me :( Not you guys...people on DS seem to be the only ones that ever respond to me.
I just found it! It\'s my June 23rd entry about the log!!!
wow, your last paragraph could of come out of my life. i learned from a very young age to eat very little in front of people and then eat in secret, but i didnt chew, i ate. i was given much less food to eat then my siblings as i was the \"chubby\" one. sadly, this pattern continued on in life. till now i actually do eat very little or nothing in front of people and at home. so, please, i understand the shame involved, but dont beat yourself, talk it out with joanne, it is all about damn ed. i have a lot of shame in my life and guilt feelings, but i am better thrugh working on these with my therapist over the years. im going to have to get that book!!!