Being in a relationship with a BDP - Facts and my experience
So, these are some of the things I learnt about BDP so far - a lot of it thanks to you Guys here os DS - , and injected my own experience with BDPX.
To ID BDP: Not very straight forward. Pay attention to the feeling in your stomach. While feeling gently or tenderly drawn toward him, there is a subtle (almost inconspicuous) tightening/knot in the pit of the abdomen. (the feeling that you like someone too quickly and there is a faint sense of unease or dread towards him at the same time). I vaguely remember this feeling but dismissed it... Was too flattered by the attention he was giving me and how well he got on. In hindsight, I was still too vulnerable 7 months after the break up with exN. He will be very attentive, sympathetic, sensitive, caring to start off with.
Pay close attention to his attitudes and behaviours from an emotional position of calm neutrality. I didn't have this, was still too messed up by exN. Rapid increase in contact initiated by the BPD Yes, he wanted to meet every day and I felt sooo flattered... and a sense that they can read you v v well is an indication of BDP. Yep, had this. They tend to move rapidly toward developing a dependent relationship with those showing them interest and sympathy. Yes, totally!! He booked a V-Day trip to Geneva after less than a week of us meeting!!
They have extreme emotions, treating you like a goddess one second, YEPP! then suddenly treating you like you are the 'bitch-on-wheels', and you don't know why. Yes, so totally confusing! He accuses you causing him to treat you bad. Yes! I apparently always 'make him shout and swear at me! There will always be something -innocuous to you- that will fire him up. Yes, I feel like even if there is no reason, he will create one. I'm totally flabbergasted by most of our 'arguments'.
He is impulsive and unpredictable,YES, unbelievably! might physically assault you, but will always emotionally assault you with threats, accusations and vindictive comments. YES! Just to get a reaction out of me if nothing else. He plays 'hurt' if I don't react to his vindictive, hurtful, picking comments! The only thing predictable about him is extreme unpredictability. He is a master at transforming other's sympathy to pity. He is the ultimate pity party. Yes,bad things happened to him, but they happen to everyone. He massively plays on them. To avoid BPD, listen to the tightening feeling in the pit of your stomach, don't confuse pity with love, HMMM, isthat what I'm doing?? Possible!! watch out for somebody who attaches themselves quickly and want to see you all the time! YEP, that's him!Anyone capable of love, compassion and protectiveness can be easily deceived by a BPD! WHEN I asked him why / when he fell in love with me, he said 'when I saw you singing to Benji (my pet rabbit). I knew then that you have a big heart and you will be an amazing mother.' WTF??? I just foundthis strange at the time. And I didn't realise he needed a mum!!
BPDs are geniuses at creating emotional and psychological chaos in people who get too close to them. Oh, he is a master! I feel confused and uncomfortable around him most of the time, and I never know what is coming! If the psychotic partner is removed, his spouse' symptoms vanished within 2 weeks! I felt AMAZING after spending 50 hrs away from him this weekend! Personality pattern: Vulnerable Seducer, Clinger, Hater. These stages cycle and swing from one to the other. YES!!
He portrays himself as 'victim of circumstance'. YES! He tells you how no one understands him apart from you, people left him because they are insensitive, he is always being betrayed, but there is something 'special about you', and he feels like 'you really know' him. OMG! YES!! HE said all of these!! I feel so stupid!! :-( You will feel elevated, adored, worshipped. Everything feels so intense and feels like the relationship is progressing fast. You will feel his adoration by the 3rd date or sooner. He seems like a dream come true. YES! All this happened! Textbook! First he seems intensely interested in you, but this subtly transforms: he still appears interested in you but not what you are interested in, rather than his interest becomes your exclusive interest in him! Well, this I didn't think about! I suppose it might be true, but he still seems interested in me; asks about my work, follows my projects, asks about my day. I don't know, but if I don't give him a thorough enough answer, he gets a bit strange. Dunno how exactly, but I feel uncomfortable. He had a few outbursts, like a couple of weeks ago I stayed with my friend in Newbury. He knew I was staying with her and he was nice about it. Next morning when I spoke with him he asked me where I was (geographically). I said 'Newbury'. That's ALL I said. He accused me of saying 'Newbury' in a condescending way (WTF???) and got defensive saying he can't remember where all my friends lived. I told him I didn't expect him to and I wasn't condescending at all! He just wouldn't drop it and swore and shouted at me and then hang up the phone on me!! Iwas sooo confused!! When you focus on his problems, he perks up, and he treats you well and even tenderly. YES!! Although now he said he didn't want me to 'counsel' him?? This hooks you in even more. AYE, big time! If you confuse pity with love, you'll think you are in love with him, especially if your motherly instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of this motherly 'code'. I'm thinking now that this is the case! :-( Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect, not one way rescues. Mothering is for kids, not for grown men!He is looking for steady-tempered, tender hearted women HE ALWAYS says that my heart is too big for my own good (WTF??) and that I'm too patient and kind (I always thought that would be a good thing, but not with a BPD or Narc!). to elicit sympathy and to strengthen his control through pity. YES! Physical complaints are frequent: this hurts, that hurts, to say: 'don't leave me, save me!' OMG! I always thought he was a total p*ssy, always complaining about something! His back, his head, his rash, his stomach, always something hurts!! He makes such pathetic noises, and I named him Brucie after Bruce Willies in Die Hard - he makes noises like BPDX, when he gets shot / stabbed / blown up etc. I call him Brucie to his face and he now laughs about it, but if 'something hurts', or he is hungry / thirsty / too hot, the chances of him picking an argument is at least 50% more likely!He has severe and unpredictable mood swings. YES!! Nice at 07:20, screaming at 07:23!! He pleads for mercy after his eruptions Yes, after he calmed down. and if you are hooked in, you will conscientiously stay caught in the illusion that you can prevent his eruptions. YES!!!! Been trying and failing for almost a year now! How stupid am I!! This is a pointless exercise in emotional rescue; nothing us ever enough!!They have sex with you to control you! OMG, can't believe it, I felt it right! I could write about this but it hurts so much! :-(Rage reactions are unpredictable and unexpected and can become extremely dangerous! YES They blame you for their rage ('Why did you say this? Why did you do that? The way you said this, The way you looked at me') but the actual rage trigger is difficult to see! I never know, and when he 'explains', it's all twisted and confusing. If you see explosions coming, RUN!!! DO NOT try to 'reason him out if it'. I always do and I always fail! I will stop putting myself in to danger!Listen closely to them criticising any characteristics in you, they are making autobiographical statements of themselves! OMG!! Again, I didn't realise this. Just said to my Mum the other day that BPDX is such a hypocrate; he screams and swears at me for things he expects me to do but he can't do them himself! Total double standards! Blame is their way of downloading their character defects on you! These are the moments you will hear the truth about him, but never point this out to him or it may be the last time you see him alive.
To ID BDP: Not very straight forward. Pay attention to the feeling in your stomach. While feeling gently or tenderly drawn toward him, there is a subtle (almost inconspicuous) tightening/knot in the pit of the abdomen. (the feeling that you like someone too quickly and there is a faint sense of unease or dread towards him at the same time). I vaguely remember this feeling but dismissed it... Was too flattered by the attention he was giving me and how well he got on. In hindsight, I was still too vulnerable 7 months after the break up with exN. He will be very attentive, sympathetic, sensitive, caring to start off with.
Pay close attention to his attitudes and behaviours from an emotional position of calm neutrality. I didn't have this, was still too messed up by exN. Rapid increase in contact initiated by the BPD Yes, he wanted to meet every day and I felt sooo flattered... and a sense that they can read you v v well is an indication of BDP. Yep, had this. They tend to move rapidly toward developing a dependent relationship with those showing them interest and sympathy. Yes, totally!! He booked a V-Day trip to Geneva after less than a week of us meeting!!
They have extreme emotions, treating you like a goddess one second, YEPP! then suddenly treating you like you are the 'bitch-on-wheels', and you don't know why. Yes, so totally confusing! He accuses you causing him to treat you bad. Yes! I apparently always 'make him shout and swear at me! There will always be something -innocuous to you- that will fire him up. Yes, I feel like even if there is no reason, he will create one. I'm totally flabbergasted by most of our 'arguments'.
He is impulsive and unpredictable,YES, unbelievably! might physically assault you, but will always emotionally assault you with threats, accusations and vindictive comments. YES! Just to get a reaction out of me if nothing else. He plays 'hurt' if I don't react to his vindictive, hurtful, picking comments! The only thing predictable about him is extreme unpredictability. He is a master at transforming other's sympathy to pity. He is the ultimate pity party. Yes,bad things happened to him, but they happen to everyone. He massively plays on them. To avoid BPD, listen to the tightening feeling in the pit of your stomach, don't confuse pity with love, HMMM, isthat what I'm doing?? Possible!! watch out for somebody who attaches themselves quickly and want to see you all the time! YEP, that's him!Anyone capable of love, compassion and protectiveness can be easily deceived by a BPD! WHEN I asked him why / when he fell in love with me, he said 'when I saw you singing to Benji (my pet rabbit). I knew then that you have a big heart and you will be an amazing mother.' WTF??? I just foundthis strange at the time. And I didn't realise he needed a mum!!
BPDs are geniuses at creating emotional and psychological chaos in people who get too close to them. Oh, he is a master! I feel confused and uncomfortable around him most of the time, and I never know what is coming! If the psychotic partner is removed, his spouse' symptoms vanished within 2 weeks! I felt AMAZING after spending 50 hrs away from him this weekend! Personality pattern: Vulnerable Seducer, Clinger, Hater. These stages cycle and swing from one to the other. YES!!
He portrays himself as 'victim of circumstance'. YES! He tells you how no one understands him apart from you, people left him because they are insensitive, he is always being betrayed, but there is something 'special about you', and he feels like 'you really know' him. OMG! YES!! HE said all of these!! I feel so stupid!! :-( You will feel elevated, adored, worshipped. Everything feels so intense and feels like the relationship is progressing fast. You will feel his adoration by the 3rd date or sooner. He seems like a dream come true. YES! All this happened! Textbook! First he seems intensely interested in you, but this subtly transforms: he still appears interested in you but not what you are interested in, rather than his interest becomes your exclusive interest in him! Well, this I didn't think about! I suppose it might be true, but he still seems interested in me; asks about my work, follows my projects, asks about my day. I don't know, but if I don't give him a thorough enough answer, he gets a bit strange. Dunno how exactly, but I feel uncomfortable. He had a few outbursts, like a couple of weeks ago I stayed with my friend in Newbury. He knew I was staying with her and he was nice about it. Next morning when I spoke with him he asked me where I was (geographically). I said 'Newbury'. That's ALL I said. He accused me of saying 'Newbury' in a condescending way (WTF???) and got defensive saying he can't remember where all my friends lived. I told him I didn't expect him to and I wasn't condescending at all! He just wouldn't drop it and swore and shouted at me and then hang up the phone on me!! Iwas sooo confused!! When you focus on his problems, he perks up, and he treats you well and even tenderly. YES!! Although now he said he didn't want me to 'counsel' him?? This hooks you in even more. AYE, big time! If you confuse pity with love, you'll think you are in love with him, especially if your motherly instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of this motherly 'code'. I'm thinking now that this is the case! :-( Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect, not one way rescues. Mothering is for kids, not for grown men!He is looking for steady-tempered, tender hearted women HE ALWAYS says that my heart is too big for my own good (WTF??) and that I'm too patient and kind (I always thought that would be a good thing, but not with a BPD or Narc!). to elicit sympathy and to strengthen his control through pity. YES! Physical complaints are frequent: this hurts, that hurts, to say: 'don't leave me, save me!' OMG! I always thought he was a total p*ssy, always complaining about something! His back, his head, his rash, his stomach, always something hurts!! He makes such pathetic noises, and I named him Brucie after Bruce Willies in Die Hard - he makes noises like BPDX, when he gets shot / stabbed / blown up etc. I call him Brucie to his face and he now laughs about it, but if 'something hurts', or he is hungry / thirsty / too hot, the chances of him picking an argument is at least 50% more likely!He has severe and unpredictable mood swings. YES!! Nice at 07:20, screaming at 07:23!! He pleads for mercy after his eruptions Yes, after he calmed down. and if you are hooked in, you will conscientiously stay caught in the illusion that you can prevent his eruptions. YES!!!! Been trying and failing for almost a year now! How stupid am I!! This is a pointless exercise in emotional rescue; nothing us ever enough!!They have sex with you to control you! OMG, can't believe it, I felt it right! I could write about this but it hurts so much! :-(Rage reactions are unpredictable and unexpected and can become extremely dangerous! YES They blame you for their rage ('Why did you say this? Why did you do that? The way you said this, The way you looked at me') but the actual rage trigger is difficult to see! I never know, and when he 'explains', it's all twisted and confusing. If you see explosions coming, RUN!!! DO NOT try to 'reason him out if it'. I always do and I always fail! I will stop putting myself in to danger!Listen closely to them criticising any characteristics in you, they are making autobiographical statements of themselves! OMG!! Again, I didn't realise this. Just said to my Mum the other day that BPDX is such a hypocrate; he screams and swears at me for things he expects me to do but he can't do them himself! Total double standards! Blame is their way of downloading their character defects on you! These are the moments you will hear the truth about him, but never point this out to him or it may be the last time you see him alive.
Replies
I have this guy, too. It\'s very painful to withdraw from them.
You should check out this website- www.bpdfamily.com and go to the forum. VERY interesting read.
Also, go here- Gettinbetter.com.
Thanks Vanilla! Will check them out! Anything to help me feel better. Thanks! x
It is good that you are getting to see him clearly. I hope you take more time for healing in between relationships. I think you need to do a lot of work in disconnecting from societial and your personal culturla messages that it is imperitive that you are coupled.
It is better to never have a family then to continue to put yourself through hurtful relationships. Take a breath, take some time, and things will come together for you.
All the constant stress being in a relationship with a PD makes me feel exhausted and you have some great hights but the abuse and the lows cut so deep.
My Mum has been so supportive, and whereas she liked BPDX, she understands about his PD and what it is doing to me, so even she told me that I can\'t live like this. It\'s not that I needed her approval, but it definitely helps, because until this all my Parents were trying to do is help by giving me advice \'what if you did this?\' and \'what if you siad that?\' etc. It was exhausting and heartbreaking trying to explain that it doesn\'t matter what I do, he will blow up anyway, I just never know when, and it\'s not related to what I do or say; he will ALWAYS find an excuse.
After exN left, I practically stared dating straight away. I thought because it was \'nothing serious\', just dates a few guys here and there, it was OK, so I thought that 7 months after exN left and I had no serious relationship, it\'s OK to date seriously again, when I met BPDX and he swept me off my feet with not being a commitment phobe, being so supportive and so lovely, and flattering the hell out of me with his grand gestures and committing to me so soon.
Now I will move out and I will not get myself onto any dating websites, and will keep away from men. I will just focus on me, learning the warning signs and focusing on my recovery; building up my self-esteem and learning to love and respect myself again.
It might not be always easy and I will miss the cuddles and someone to talk to, but I have to learn to rely on myself in every way, trust myself and be OK alone. Only when I achieved this, will I consider dating again.