Being Aroused by Memories of Abuse *trigger*

(I originally wrote this to post in a group on a fetish website, but want to share it here as a journal as well).

So, I have decided to take the time to write about something that I feel is a really important topic for survivors of sexual abuse to understand and discuss. Hopefully, I can be coherent and communicate this well; I have a lot to say.

First of all, I speak from personal experience. I have struggled with a strong compulsion to repeat trauma which occurred during my childhood and to act it out through sexual fantasy and exploration and I have spoken extensively to other abuse survivors who have done the same thing. If you speak with kinky survivors of sexual abuse, you will notice a similar theme playing itself out and survivors asking the same question, "is it normal for me to be turned on by the memories of my abuse?" The short answer is yes.

It is too taboo to speak of, so many survivors keep their feelings inside and do not learn that this is normal. So, I am writing this to bring the truth to light and help others who struggle with similar issues.

Sadly, I have found that many survivors/victims/cohorts/whatever, please don't get hung up on terms; I will use the word survivor because that is what I identify with most. Survivors of sexual abuse feel intense shame. We feel shame because we were involved in acts we the learn are wrong, and we feel responsible and shamed by society; cops question us, family members, friends, the CHURCH... everyone freaks out when they hear of the shameful acts we were involved in. I was raised Catholic in a family where incest was occurring, so I know, we feel intense shame about sexual abuse. And we feel very intense shame when we are turned on by memories of that abuse.

We don't talk about it. We don't know that it is normal. We become filled with self-loathing and that self-loathing is the cause of self-destructive behavior. Then, we feel guilty about self-destructive behavior and that causes more self-loathing. So, my advice to survivors is to work through feelings of shame, so that you can learn that you are worthy of love and so that you can allow yourself to heal.

There are physiological reasons why abuse survivors are turned on by abuse and there are psychological reasons why survivors feel the compulsion to repeat trauma. It's physiological psychiatry, a very powerful combination, and it's not your fault.

I had an online D/s relationship with a man who is a neuroscientist and he taught me an awful lot about how the brain is affected by arousal and how arousal affects the brain. He was able to observe me and play with me and learn about all my existing triggers. What did he learn? What triggers my arousal? Fear, adrenaline and loss of control.

At the time, I didn't know why. I was living in a state of denial and I had forgotten the experiences which programed my brain to be aroused by these things. I just knew I had always been turned on by force, violence, aggression... My sexual fantasies were all about rape, physical abuse, the man in charge... I remembered that my dad and mom were "fighting" all the time. I forgot that he was dominating her, abusing her and raping her in front of her own children. I forgot that he held me down and provoked me to fight against him so that he could get his dick hard and jack off on me. I forgot about the fear I felt at night when he came home from the bar blackout drunk.

But, now I know why I am aroused by fear, adrenaline and loss of control, rather than, whatever gets vanilla people off. Cuddling?

There is a physiological explanation for this and it has to do with the limbic system of the brain, which is the brain's reward center/system, specifically the hypothalamus, which is activated during sex, when afraid, when angry... It's said that pain and pleasure are the same to the brain; they both stimulate the hypothalamus. This is why we like to be kinky; it activates this reward system. So, in my situation, I was sexually aroused, scared and very angry, all at the same time and my reward center was highly activated. All these neurons were firing, I was over-stimulated, and my brain registered these events as very important.

The brain learns and make physical changes in order to effectively and efficiently activate the reward center. It's actually about survival; we receive a similar reward when we eat. So, in order to be efficient, the brain creates neurological connections based on our experiences, "neurons that fire together, wire together." Why am I aroused by fear? By being dominated? By loss of control? Because, neurons that fire together, wire together, and for me it means that arousal is linked to these other emotions.

The more an experience is repeated, the more hard-wired it becomes. So, this experience was repeated several times over the course of many years. It affected my sexuality, and I also developed PTSD. PTSD is also very much tied into the hypothalamus, but is actually damage caused by being in a constant state of stress. If I tell others, oh I have PTSD because of the sexual abuse, everyone accepts that (fear associated with the triggering event). If I say, oh I get really turned on by men dominating women, and by images of rape (arousal associated with the triggering event), few people are comfortable with that. Well, both are physiological conditions caused the same exact way.

This is a simple biological explanation for why survivors of sexual abuse are aroused by memories of abuse, but people who specialize in this kind of science explain it much better than I do. Anyone who is interested in a better explanation should do some research on sexual addiction and the brain. It works the same way. These impulses are basically part of sexual addiction. I think I basically had a sexual addiction as a child because of the way the abuse over-stimulated my brain and then I replayed everything through sexual fantasy while masturbating and reinforced it for many years. So, it was really natural to act it out as an adult.

Here is a link to an article about BDSM and the brain, which explains the neuroscience better than I do. http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/02/14470/ I like how the author explains the neuroscience, but he advises not to practice BDSM because you can create these neurological connections. It does not seem like he has come to the realization that many of us have existing connections before ever getting into the lifestyle. I'm nearly 40 years old and have already reinforced everything so much. Yeah, practicing BDSM will reinforce these connections more, but, it's a whisper on scream, blue on black. You know?

I have more to say about the psychological reasons why abuse survivors have a subconscious drive to repeat trauma and my story and experience with that, but that will have to wait for another day. I just want to get this piece out for now because a lot of people simply do not know this and they feel guilt and/or judge others. Please don't judge others for their kinks or shame yourself for your sexual feelings. These things really are hard-wired into our brains and there is little anyone can do to change it.