Becoming One
I hope this is positive. However, my days are not days, and my weeks are not weeks. This is suspended time, hovering over sickness, gut wrenching sadness and enormous change - the kind of change that slaps you in the face and punches you in the stomach causing one to loose ones very breath.
Yep it is positive, because today, this day, I am feeling a little better. The waves of grief are subsiding, and the new world I live in is not as foreign as it was yesterday, or the day before.
We are rounding the bend; in two months it will be a year to the day mom found out her lump was cancer...then the spiral - - into the abyss - into the place where death was not patient but ravenous-- lurking in the shadows. Yet all becomes new again. I lived in the place with you where oxygen was the elixir for hope, and we clung madly to our moments and if we holding hands while parachuting out of a plane - yet I had the parachute, and the you jumped knowing you never did. It was not meant to be that two would land safely on earth. It was meant to be that we held hands, and helped each other through a difficult and scary situation.
Well it's not scary any more. And, it wasn't scary when you took your last breath and your spirit flew out the window. It was silent and mystical. We were alone you and I - there wasn't a soul with us other than the wind and the walls that bind. You broke free of your body with a beauty I now see as your swan song. It was all that you had hoped - - it was relatively painless...sometimes it is in living we are tormented, and it is in dying we are liberated into particles of love and light for all to breath.
Today, with each breath I take, I breath in your essence - and all the others who have passed and pass each and every day into the light.
I love you and I miss you, and I thank you for all you were to this world. I thank you for how you loved me as a child, as a person who couldn't fend for herself. I thank you for your human foibles, and your honesty when you failed. I thank you for thinking of others and being a beacon of light for those who have no light at all.
I thank you in advance for my future and for your meeting me when it's my time to leave this earth, this body, and become one.
Yep it is positive, because today, this day, I am feeling a little better. The waves of grief are subsiding, and the new world I live in is not as foreign as it was yesterday, or the day before.
We are rounding the bend; in two months it will be a year to the day mom found out her lump was cancer...then the spiral - - into the abyss - into the place where death was not patient but ravenous-- lurking in the shadows. Yet all becomes new again. I lived in the place with you where oxygen was the elixir for hope, and we clung madly to our moments and if we holding hands while parachuting out of a plane - yet I had the parachute, and the you jumped knowing you never did. It was not meant to be that two would land safely on earth. It was meant to be that we held hands, and helped each other through a difficult and scary situation.
Well it's not scary any more. And, it wasn't scary when you took your last breath and your spirit flew out the window. It was silent and mystical. We were alone you and I - there wasn't a soul with us other than the wind and the walls that bind. You broke free of your body with a beauty I now see as your swan song. It was all that you had hoped - - it was relatively painless...sometimes it is in living we are tormented, and it is in dying we are liberated into particles of love and light for all to breath.
Today, with each breath I take, I breath in your essence - and all the others who have passed and pass each and every day into the light.
I love you and I miss you, and I thank you for all you were to this world. I thank you for how you loved me as a child, as a person who couldn't fend for herself. I thank you for your human foibles, and your honesty when you failed. I thank you for thinking of others and being a beacon of light for those who have no light at all.
I thank you in advance for my future and for your meeting me when it's my time to leave this earth, this body, and become one.
Replies
Your journal entry was beautiful. the words you used touched my heart. Life is so hard when we have a loss. my mom was my mom/best friend and I miss her a lot. i was doing okay but when there\'s friction in the family i seem to get more down and i think about not having her around to talk too. You seem like your doing okay but you know as time goes on that piercing heartache and pain that was so overwhelming seems to start subsiding. the thing is change seems to all be a part of us now. i may be coping at times but i\'ll never be the same, i still haven\'t found \"ME\" yet and I think \"ME\" is lost and is never coming back. You know i\'ve had spiritual experiences and you think that i would be able to overcome all of this but i can\'t. i think its their presence not being around anymore, not being able to pick up the phone and say hi mom etc i have no doubt that their passing is not the end and i know that without a doubt but it doesn\'t seem to make things any easier. well i\'m so glad you contacted me, its like we all seemed to have met each other around the same time and here it is for me a year later after i lost my mom and, yet, i can come in here to my friends for the comfort that is still needed from time to time. thank you for being my friend, i will always be there for you just contact me. morning, noon, night and in-between. tc laura