be the sponge....

Trying to listen, to be the sponge.  I close my eyes and try to pay attention, not only to what I am feeling but the feedback I get around me.  I want to find my way and know what the right path is for me.  There might not be any such thing…broken thing that I am….but it is something to try.

I feel like I belong nowhere so that is the question I keep throwing into the universe: where do I belong?

I’m not crying today, so that is a plus.  It feels like a wave that keeps coming in and then going back out for a while.  When it comes in, I feel so overwhelmed with the sadness that I feel like my chest is going to explode. 

As it moves back out for a while, I can start to see other things around me.  Each person that I talk to or go on a date with, tells me a little more ..about whatever it is that I am supposed to be learning. 

Someone taught me that they would lie to get what they wanted..but it also taught me that I am much more gullible than I imagined, because I just fell for it, like it was nothing. 

Someone else was asking me about what Steve and I did for fun all the years we were together.  I really didn’t have much.  It reminded me that he always only gave me enough to keep me from walking out the door.  My happiness was never a goal.  The hardest time I have been having alone is when I  go out to do the weekly chores/shopping.  This is basically the only activity we really did together. 

It doesn’t matter whether it was the right thing or how toxic it was.  I do love him..but I already knew that part…I also know that it won’t change anything.

I think about moving down to my mom’s.  Maybe there are just too many memories here and it is just making it harder.  Each date that goes badly, I wonder if things are not meant to work out for me here because I am meant to start over somewhere else. 

It doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it is part of the lesson. 

The problem with my over analytical anxiety freak of a mind is that I want to know for sure.  I want everything to be spelled out and be black and white.  I keep looking for confirmation from the universe for what direction I should take.  …something that is not likely to come.  Part of me knows there are no real answers but like many anxiety freaks we become so involved in the analysis we are afraid of making a wrong decision and freeze.

As the day wears on today I feel more and more depressed.  Someone told me they would rather have a colonoscopy than have to date and get to know someone all over again. 

My brother texted me and is completely offended that my ex keeps liking things they post about their kids..I tried to explain that I don’t believe he is trying to be offensive but probably trying to convey that he still cares and considers them family…my brother was still so angry…really?  It’s not something I need right now..fuck..if it bothers you ..unfriend him…hell unfriend me too..who cares?  When did any of this become about them?