Be careful what you wish for...
Things have calmed a little at the house. At least we are being civil. the rental market here is such that I have no hope of finding a place I can afford to go. I am not sure what I am going to do at this point. My mom does not really have room for me either and then I would also have to find a job in addition to a place to live. He is leaving on a customer fishing trip tomorrow so at least I will get a few days to myself in the house. I feel as though I have completely screwed myself. I guess I should have checked to see about housing before I rocked the boat. Now I have started the ball rolling and made sure, with my actions, that it could not be stopped. He finally says he is done with us and told the kids on the weekend that we are separating. The kids could have cared less, they never really liked me anyway.
I know deep down that this relationship has been unhealthy for many years. I know that I just need to go, but I do still love him and there was some small part of me that secretly hoped he would admit he has a problem and get help.
That is not going to happen. It is also not going to change other aspects of our relationship, such as the complete lack of affection. We have a lot of years between us and when I think of being gone I feel sick. I have no illusions that I am somehow going to live happily ever after. The best I can hope for is to find some little place where I can hole up and live out the rest of this life.
Replies
wow..Im so behind in reading journals, this one comes unexpected, yet not a surprise from past journals Ive read about him. First I just have to say it took a lot of courage to 'get the ball rolling', and its very understandable that u wish he would in some way fight for u, admit his wrongs and try to make right, but his nature is what it is. You have stuck it out much longer than most, even from the first journal I read of yours, I thought to myself, u deserve better, the problem is, Im not sure YOU believe that, do u? at some point the cycle had to break- u have different values and morals and that's the real base foundation for true longevity. The signs were there for a while and u truly hoped for the best, in that sense u remind me of my dad, role reversal, with my mom who was an alcoholic, u want to believe in the best of ppl, but in the end, we must accept whats there, not what we hope for. So I commend u for breaking through the illusion. I expect during this transitional phase that u r hurt u still love him, and its hard for u to see a clear picture of your future, but I do not for one second believe its as dim as it may look to u right now, this is a dark moment, and after u process it and are able to be removed from the situation to the extent that u can really see clearly everything in a spotlight, then u will be able to shape and create your own future, YOUR way. Right now u are halfway up the mountain, the air is getting thin, your body is getting tired, u may not be able to see the summit, but u know its there, u just don't know how far or close u are, this is the time u dig your heels in, and take one step at a time, however small, inch by inch, rest when needed but never stop. You will make it to the top, u have it in u, I know it, I see it in u, apply that strength u so readily give others to Yourself, now its your time. Im here, pm me any time (although I just check in here or there, when Im here- Im fully present for u) Look forward, that's the only direction to go. xoxooxoxoxo