bahhhhhhhhh
blew it again.
"you need to be patient."
i have been patient for the whole 5 days that my heart has been breaking. i have shields, and they often work well, but their batteries have run out. is this what he needs from me? because it doesn't seem like it's worth it. he wants something from me that i either cannot give, or that he cannot tell me and i cannot guess.
i have a million dogs to groom tomorrow at 730. it's 3am, and i'm not gonna get any sleep tonight. i wish i had an off button. somebody can turn it back on in a week when it's over.
"if you need to go fuck somebody else, go ahead."
fuck you bpd. fuck you. that's who i'm gonna go fuck.
fuck this shit. i hope he leaves. i hope he doesn't. i hope i'm dead.
if we only had one shot at divine intervention, then it's all used up and gone, but that's all we got left as far as hope at this point. so if somebody knows where we can get a loan...
somebody help. why does the love have to be so good?
and then what about my cousin who fucked me over trying to "save me?" am i supposed to just forgive her once he's left me?
so much going on in this stupid little head. i am so mad at myself for blowing my cool. i am not good enough for him. it doesn't mean i'm not good. nooooooo. i believe in myself. i do. i do! but why can't i reach him? and why does he have to keep getting drunk when we get so close to him coming out of this episode? this is the third time. i made a mistake, but i don't deserve to be treated as though i have betrayed him.
why did he bring up tonight the subject of my thinking he has bpd? we haven't talked about this in months, even when there have been other episodes. is it because he thinks he has it? or is it some kind of defense because i know that there is some kind of disorder gong on inside him? god, maybe if i can just hang on this could be some kind of breakthrough. but then my stupid ass said we needed to talk about what was going to happen in our relationship because i can't do this anymore. and i'll be amazed if that isn't another trigger. can't keep my god damn emotions shut long enough. i wish he was sleeping next to me. maybe because i was so sure that would happen tonight is why i couldn't take it anymore. and what sucks is that i think it would have if he hadn't gotten drunk.
he's in pain.
so am i.
whose pain is more important? i don't know anymore. is anyone's pain important enough to break off the relationship? to keep us together?
i heard it gets worse before it gets better. that that's part of a healing process. can it get any worse? because if it does, i can't stay. and i have to break my promise to him and that makes me feel like an asshole.
god damn it go to bed, you beautiful talented smart self deprecating fuckup. (i'm talking to myself now...)
"you need to be patient."
i have been patient for the whole 5 days that my heart has been breaking. i have shields, and they often work well, but their batteries have run out. is this what he needs from me? because it doesn't seem like it's worth it. he wants something from me that i either cannot give, or that he cannot tell me and i cannot guess.
i have a million dogs to groom tomorrow at 730. it's 3am, and i'm not gonna get any sleep tonight. i wish i had an off button. somebody can turn it back on in a week when it's over.
"if you need to go fuck somebody else, go ahead."
fuck you bpd. fuck you. that's who i'm gonna go fuck.
fuck this shit. i hope he leaves. i hope he doesn't. i hope i'm dead.
if we only had one shot at divine intervention, then it's all used up and gone, but that's all we got left as far as hope at this point. so if somebody knows where we can get a loan...
somebody help. why does the love have to be so good?
and then what about my cousin who fucked me over trying to "save me?" am i supposed to just forgive her once he's left me?
so much going on in this stupid little head. i am so mad at myself for blowing my cool. i am not good enough for him. it doesn't mean i'm not good. nooooooo. i believe in myself. i do. i do! but why can't i reach him? and why does he have to keep getting drunk when we get so close to him coming out of this episode? this is the third time. i made a mistake, but i don't deserve to be treated as though i have betrayed him.
why did he bring up tonight the subject of my thinking he has bpd? we haven't talked about this in months, even when there have been other episodes. is it because he thinks he has it? or is it some kind of defense because i know that there is some kind of disorder gong on inside him? god, maybe if i can just hang on this could be some kind of breakthrough. but then my stupid ass said we needed to talk about what was going to happen in our relationship because i can't do this anymore. and i'll be amazed if that isn't another trigger. can't keep my god damn emotions shut long enough. i wish he was sleeping next to me. maybe because i was so sure that would happen tonight is why i couldn't take it anymore. and what sucks is that i think it would have if he hadn't gotten drunk.
he's in pain.
so am i.
whose pain is more important? i don't know anymore. is anyone's pain important enough to break off the relationship? to keep us together?
i heard it gets worse before it gets better. that that's part of a healing process. can it get any worse? because if it does, i can't stay. and i have to break my promise to him and that makes me feel like an asshole.
god damn it go to bed, you beautiful talented smart self deprecating fuckup. (i'm talking to myself now...)
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