bad times, may trigger
well, i have decided i need to journal or go out of my mind. i have relapsed, i am finally admitting it and have falen into a bit of depression, i dont give a shit attitude, anger, tiredness, bad atitude and crying.
i have known i had lost weight since starting the new position, well it had started i think before but upped then. i just dont want or have time for breakfast lunch is less then i normally eat, i have no where to sit, hate the small employee room, and go outside and walk and eat. by lunch time i am so wound up im not even hungry anymore but have forced down my protien bar, i have cut out the almonds i always had with it. i went to the clinical nutrition doctor last week and it was confirmed i had lost and i am underweight, and everyone wants to know why and what happened and it is so hard to explain. i told her i am under tremendous stress regarding my parents, esp my mother, she isnt well, she is 89 dad 92, and have refused to move to assited living. we are left with having to care and do everything, she cant even cook, do anything, my dad is going crazy, so hard on him. i am burnt out, i dread going over there but i want to see my dad, i have never felt love or loved by my mother until now when she says it for to get sympathy, i know how that sounds. guilt lays heavy on me if i dont do things for them.
everytime i have gone out to eat, which isnt often i dont mean to but i go and purge right in the restuarants bathroom. yesterday my daughter was down she was picking her boyfriend at the airport and wanted us to go to dinner and my son would meet us. i made a decsion not to go and that started fireworks. she was pissed and dissapointed, i finally told her why and she said that i need to get over this it has gone on for years and now i have slipped, i look awful, gaunt and way to thin, i need to stop. i said yes i have relapsed and not because i want to, it went round and round and eventually i started crying, saying all the other issues going on. she still left not hapy but i felt t was the best decsion for me. was i wrong?
i a supposed to be adding 300 calories a day and have yet to do it, i have nibbled but thats it. truthfully i dont care.
Replies
*hugs* Try and add food slowly, don't get too upset if you have a setback. There are forums for support with eating disorders on https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forum and they may help you and Colleen. See if you like it and send it on to her if you think she would benefit from it. Even if she doesn't read it, at least you know your part is done.
thanks larissa, i will look into that!!!
It's hard when we stress because we turn to our ed to cope. It is not healthy but it makes since. Learning other ways to cope besides ed is so important. Understanding why we have ed is important. Have you been seeing a counselr? I can't remember if you said you were or not. It's a mental illness and it is so hard. There will always be ups and downs I wish it would always be ups. I feel like ed is like alcohol to an alcoholic. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic even if their lips have been dry for years?? (Song lyric from ani defranco) so is a person with an ed always a person with an ed despite recovery? Due to possible relapse??? Ugh
Hang in there and get support. Restriction can cause damage to your health!
thanks ceecee, i am not currently seeing a counselor for ed but i do see my psy. who i have therapy with. it is not his speciality but i cant afford another doctor bill. how does one get to know why we have ed i have mental illness in other forms taking meds why doesnt that help. hugss and hope you are well