BAD DAYS
I went to my meeting on Tues. night. There are members there that have been going for years. They say they are there to help others, but are they really? I have to wonder if this is my new normal. Years of trying to cope with Jackie taking her own life. I would like to be in a position of helping others, but will I ever reach that point. I had to bring back Jackies car on Wed. to Nissan. It was a lease. My sister had the car cleaned and it looked great. I was very stressed about that. She shot herself in the car and I had to see it to bring it back. Everything sets me off. Today I have to bring her plates back to motor vehicle. I am erasing her existence. I know she will always be a part of me but I hate all of this. She had no right to end her life, she ended mine also. She had a Will and left certain things to my family, but I WON'T get rid of her things that I dont have to. I miss her so, so much. Will I have to stay on Xanax the rest of my life because when I take it I dont cry as much? The meeting does help a little because I can pour my heart out and everyone feels my pain. They know. But when I leave I'm home with an undescribable feeling of emptiness, sadness, and longing that I pray every nite just "please come to me in a dream". I want to hold my daughter one more time. Everyone tells me this will gradually subside but when????
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At my meeting on Tues there was a lady there and her husband I ended his life in Jan. She was the one that found him and she said when these feelings come creeping in she sits down and looks at a picture of him smiling and just talks to him about all the good times they had. Hopefully one day we will be able to do that.
If the group makes you feel hopeless, DON\'T GO. These support groups are supposed to HELP. If ANYTHING about it makes you worse, STOP. Yes there ARE people at the two year mark who are living their lives. NO they will never stop missing their children and YES there are some \"bad\" days and even \"bad\" moments in their lives, but they\'re doing it. There are some on Parents of Suicides (yahoo group) that are STILL suffering at four years because they haven\'t found professional help. You\'re better off finding a certified grief counselor whose philosophy agrees with yours. I can\'t tell you how wonderful mine is. OF COURSE it was awful seeing that car, let alone driving it!!!! You are NOT erasing her existence, that\'s how I felt when I deleted April\'s email accounts and one of her facebook pages but NOTHING can erase her existence. She is unique, God created her, she\'s WITH HIM, being comforted, finding peace, cured and whole. YES you miss her and you will miss her as I will miss my sweet April for the rest of my life. You\'re not close to being \"over\" this (actually there\'s no getting \"over\" it just accommodating and making peace with it). Even with two therapists I\'m only at the 4-1/2 month mark, not CLOSE to being \"over\" it. You\'ll stay on Xanax as long as you have to. THere are days I take only three, yesterday I had a bad day so I took an extra 1/2, but eventually you will be able to taper off and keep them on hand for the \"tough\" days or hours. The emptiness, sadness and longing are normal, I feel them too. Some times are better than others and I can now go out during the day and run errands, shop, etc. without turning into a raving maniac. They DO \"visit\" us (some times) but not when we\'re in the deepest grief because it\'s almost impossible to cross that threshold under those circumstances. PRAY. Find a grief counselor. And if that group leaves you feeling as bad as you described NEXT time you attend, don\'t go back.
You are going through some heart and gut wrenching times dear Gail... I\'m so sorry for your horrible pain and how could you not be feeling this way? I remember feeling frustrated in the first Al-Anon meetings that I attended to hear that there were people who were still going after 20+ years. I wanted to know that I would one day \"graduate\" from these meetings. I think if you can even hear even just one thing that feels healing then it\'s worthwhile yet only you will know if the meetings are dragging you down or uplifting you? Your being here helps because you are sharing your innermost stirrings and it may be exactly how another mother is feeling yet she hasn\'t been able to articulate it yet. That\'s the beauty of this healing site. It takes courage to journal and I do hope that getting it out is feeling like a release in some way for you. It\'s truly amazing how that works. My thoughts are with you and I\'m so very sorry about your beloved daughter. Loving care surrounding you. Joanie
It has been two years for me and it is better but never, ever over. Every single day I remember my son is not going to come over or call...every morning the first thing that I see is his photo and his artwork and those things that I have around my bedroom that are his. I know for certain that we will not \"get over it\" ....no such thing. But as Ellzeena said...we can learn to cope and make peace with it. I know that without God this journey would have been much harder for much longer. I stayed on xanax for the first 18 mos. and now I am completely off the medication. I am a big believer in prayer and surrounding myself with people who will encourage and pray for me. I hope you have a good support system and a good grief counselor. I know this is all very difficult and no words can really express the complications of the kind of grief suicide brings. I believe the stages of grief have no certain order and that they reappear throughout our lives. Just know the intensity lessens and that \"this too shall pass\"...in the deep dark part of the beginning...like where you are....I had to repeat a verse of scripture to help me get past the bad images that would come....\"Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.\" You may want to find something you can repeat and let it block out your mind\'s images. God be with you....Love, dale...brandon\'s mom
The raw pain is unbelievable. You cannot imagine actually living through this...much less enjoying anything again. There is so much to grieve...that for now your mind races from one thing to another...all seeming impossible to believe. Grieving is so all consuming...so taking care of others...even loving them takes some of your grief energy...and you cannot share yourself just yet. Try to take gentle care of yourself...have little expectations of what you can and cannot do. You will survive...it seems impossible but you will and in time life will be better. I wish I could tell you it would be soon...but it takes a long time. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
Thank you so so much my new family. I have decided to stay on the xanax because with out it I CANNOT get out of bed. I have resisted going to a therapist. Some members in my grouo go to one and swear by him. I\'m going to give him a call. Thank you for being here for me. Love you all Gail