BAD DAYS

I went to my meeting on Tues. night. There are members there that have been going for years. They say they are there to help others, but are they really? I have to wonder if this is my new normal. Years of trying to cope with Jackie taking her own life. I would like to be in a position of helping others, but will I ever reach that point. I had to bring back Jackies car on Wed. to Nissan. It was a lease. My sister had the car cleaned and it looked great. I was very stressed about that. She shot herself in the car and I had to see it to bring it back. Everything sets me off. Today I have to bring her plates back to motor vehicle. I am erasing her existence. I know she will always be a part of me but I hate all of this. She had no right to end her life, she ended mine also. She had a Will and left certain things to my family, but I WON'T get rid of her things that I dont have to. I miss her so, so much. Will I have to stay on Xanax the rest of my life because when I take it I dont cry as much? The meeting does help a little because I can pour my heart out and everyone feels my pain. They know. But when I leave I'm home with an undescribable feeling of emptiness, sadness, and longing that I pray every nite just "please come to me in a dream". I want to hold my daughter one more time. Everyone tells me this will gradually subside but when????