Back again...

What is it with me? I feel great for a long time, then suddenly, I'm back at it. Feeling depressed. Yesterday morning I woke up, I felt okay, I played on my phone, and then suddenly it hit me. I was agitated at everything, short with my husband. Eventually he asked me what was wrong, and I began crying uncontrollably. I said I didn't know, it felt like a chemical thing in my brain. I said I wasn't upset, I just couldn't control it. I wasn't lying. I honestly don't know why I was so upset. 

I have been thinking about it though. It was around this time two years ago that my mother began getting sick. It was mid December that she was informed she had cervical cancer. It was two days later she went into hospital, and less than two weeks later she died. I got married a year ago, just after the 1 year anniversary of her death, to my incredible husband whom I couldn't live without. Something is drawing me to my past though... Something is making me want to chat with my exs. Part of me thinks it's because of the way they responded when I was upset; they were always cuddlers. They would hold me and make me feel safe. My husband, he acts like a therapist (he's not one, and I'm training to become one, ironically). He sits and watches, and waits. He wont offer comfort until I've given a reason for being upset, and when I don't have one, I have to make one up. Say I'm upset about my mom, or my dad (who almost died this summer). I tried to explain it was brain chemistry, that I couldn't help it, he kept his stoic counsellor face on. Sometimes I miss having a partner who just holds me when I'm upset, lets me feel it safely, then discusses it after. That's just not how he is, and that's okay. It just makes me feel more alone and empty sometimes, feelings I don't normally associate with him. 

We're not trying to have a baby, but he's paraplegic, and some days his manhood works perfectly.. other days, most days.. not so much. It never used to be a problem, it's been an issue for the past two years due to a pressure sore that won't heal, and doesn't get worse. They say they're going to do surgery "in the new year", I'd rather they just do it now. 

I'm going for drinks with an ex, Adam, he got married to a girl he got pregnant, and they have a beautiful little girl. I can't help but think he and I would have gotten back together had I not entered such a committed relationship with my now husband, and had he not gotten another girl pregnant (and kept it). The brackets seem cruel, but she's not the first he's gotten pregnant, the others made a different decision. Am I thinking about him now because I want kids, and I know he can bare them (quite fruitfully)... I honestly don't know. I weighed 140lbs when he and I were together, I was a size 8.. and I thought I was fat. I'm now 230lbs and a size 18.. I see old photos of us together and feel depressed. Injuires and depression got me to where I am. A month ago I was 242lbs, so I am seeing progress, I just can't believe I let myself get to this point. I'm "curvy" so says my coworker, "we're curvy girls", tall and proportionate. I never used to be curvy. I used to have abs. I hate my new self. I didn't know I felt that way, but I do. This is why I journal, so I can feel what I need to feel. 

I'm seeing Adam, and I assume he told his wife.. part of me wants to apologize to him, for the life we had together. Apologize for the person I was when we were, because the person I was is a ghost of who I used to be. I don't recognize who I was back then. I was skinnier, and debatebly prettier - a bit more vain, I liked makeup and tried to do my hair (not well). I was also afraid to be touched by men. He helped me grow more than I will ever know. He made me feel safe, and secure, and he helped me to explore the safe touch of a man's hand and body. For two and a half years, he helped me feel secure. I never quite enjoyed sex, but he helped me to be okay with touch, with intimacy, and he would hold me, crying, for as long as I needed him to. I want to apologize to him, for having to be the one to save me. Apologize for never getting to 'reap the rewards' so to speak.. After him, I slowly learned to feel safe with other men, with close friends, people who I felt could touch me and not hurt me. As I slowly learned to accept touch, and enjoy it, I went on a binder.. I slept with many friends, and a one stranger... I learned how to be touched and I learned to like it. In that time though, I was raped, and I shut down again. I regretted many of my choices. I made mistakes, unforgiveable ones in his eyes, I want to apologize. I don't want him to think I'm trying to get him back, because I'm not, we're both happily married, I just want to apologize. I want to tell him I'm sorry for sleeping with people he explicitly asked me not to. I want to apologize for essentially become a whore because he hurt me, and I wanted to hurt him back. I want to apologize for a lot of things. Mostly I want to thank him, for helping me. 

The last time I saw him, was at my wedding. Before that, he was working at the restoration crew that was repairing my mom's house after a flood. He was the one that heard her on the phone, he heard her get the diagnosis, and held me as a cried in my driveway. He knew how to break the news, to tell me my mom had cancer, and the prognosis wasn't good. He knew how to hold me, and comfort me, in a way no one else could. He held me in that spot against his body, and I felt safe. I had to walk away, I had to pretend not to know so she could tell me. She didn't give me the full story, but she gave me her ring...that was her way of telling me she was going to die. I miss that spot. I miss leaning my face into his chest, feeling him wrap his arms around me, holding me in that safe crevace. I just want to feel that again, now that I feel this way. I want to feel that feeling of 'home', of security, of safety. I wish I had that feeling with my husband. I don't want to blame his paralysis, but it's hard to have that when he's sitting. I like to rest my head on his lap, it's comforting to me, but he doesn't like it. He pulls away, he doesn't understand. I try to cuddle in bed, but he complains I'm too warm. He pulls away. He doesn't understand. I hate feeling this way. I hate this week.