awful weekend

It was an awful weekend.  After coming home early Friday, I was feeling much better on Saturday.  When he got home from work I could see it on his face that it was going to be a bad night.  After a few beers, he switched to vodka again.  He seemed to keep the mood light while making dinner so I was going with it. He had wanted to watch NCIS, which we had missed, so I hooked up my laptop to the tv so he could see it.  It's the only show he really likes.  While I was in the coat closet trying to get a tote down that I knew had an HDMI cable in it, the whole thing came down on my head.  It made a lot of noise and he was irritated and wanted to know what the hell I was doing.  I just yelled back that I was getting a cable, but I was thinking to myself: I'm fine, thanks for asking.  When we finally sat down to eat he commented on the amount of Togo's napkins that were on the table.  I told him that Rachel had been here and had brought Togo's with her.  He wanted to know what I meant.  He said, Rachel has to be to work at 4 so how did you see her?  I said because I came home sick today.  He was instantly angry and said sarcastically, thanks for telling me.  I said, I didn't think you would care, and I knew you were out on the golf course with customers.  He got up and put his dinner plate on the counter, grabbed his drink, and went out on the patio for the night, slamming doors on his way out. He said, I'm done!(meaning, done with the relationship) I just calmly finished my dinner and watched the rest of the show and then got up and cleaned the kitchen.  I noticed at some point he had snuck back in and taken his plate outside, since it was gone off the counter. I went to bed early.

Sunday was horrible and awkward and long.  We started out not speaking at all.  About 9, I asked if we were still going to grocery shop together since I don't have a vehicle. (The Durango is still in his name since he never signed it over like he said he would)  He said, what do you mean you don't have a vehicle.  I just looked at him, like duh.  He said, well do you want me to go with you?  I said, it's up to you.  We went to the store and spoke to each other only when necessary.  No chatting in the truck.  just silence.  After we got home I went back to the usual Sunday chores.  In between I would try to keep my mind occupied with a game or knitting.  I guess if he isn't talking to me I don't have to worry about losing count in my knitting pattern.  The rest of the day pretty muched passed that way, slowly.  When he grilled up dinner though, he was at least nice enough to grill up some extra chicken so I would not have to cook tonight.

This morning when he left, he came back and said have a good day.  No, I love you. Never an I'm sorry.  He never once asked me why I had come home sick on Friday.  He didn't care.  He only cared that I was not under his thumb.  I feel sick this morning.  I know I am just doing it to myself. Not really an anxiety attack, just nauseated from worrying.  I have no idea how I am going to make it through til spring.  I know things will probably calm down again.  I'm just tired of being sad and alone, and feeling sick all the time.