August
August...Cassi's birthday was August 20th. She would have been 24 this year instead of forever 22, as we say. I feel so weak, delicate, scared...I want to hide away in my house, in my pajamas, go to sleep and wake up September 1st. You should not be terrified at the thought of your child's birthday.
Scanning Facebook today, killing time...seeing how everyone has moved on, there is no end to this sorrow. My broken heart continues to break again and again. I feel like I am the only person that truly grasps the fact that Cassi is gone, or even that she was here to begin with.
This is the only place I know I will get understanding...a year and a half later I want to scream, "What the hell happened???"
My poor baby...complex and complicated, disturbed, overcome with pain...I just don't understand.
Scanning Facebook today, killing time...seeing how everyone has moved on, there is no end to this sorrow. My broken heart continues to break again and again. I feel like I am the only person that truly grasps the fact that Cassi is gone, or even that she was here to begin with.
This is the only place I know I will get understanding...a year and a half later I want to scream, "What the hell happened???"
My poor baby...complex and complicated, disturbed, overcome with pain...I just don't understand.
Replies
This is what Barbara, our founder, knew was needed... A safe haven where it matters not how many days, months or years have passed that there will always be compassionate understanding and companioning here on FMO.
I\'m not sure if I\'ll ever understand what happened??!! A parent should never be in our shoes ever and to imagine that we are still here now is often a mystery too. i\'m not sure how our hearts continue to beat when our children\'s stopped... I just keep walking like the moms a few steps ahead of me have encouraged me to do and that is what you are doing.
Understanding how the birthday months and the months they shed their earth suits are so very tender and we\'ll be walking this one together as my son\'s birthday is on the 17th... He will be thirty-two this year and it just does not seem possible that this is the eighth birthday he has not been with us. Deepest of sighs...
I\'m with you and prayerful for some tender moments to be ours.
Loving care and remembering Cassie with you. She is NEVER. EVER forgotten among your sisters of the heart. Never!!
XO Joanie
I truly understand. The \"disconnect\" from society is overwhelming at times. I can be in a room full of people and feel like I am invisible.
I too wish I could\'ve understood and had the magic words to heal Jason\'s pain, but I wasn\'t able to and for that I will always carry that demon.
Jason\'s birthday is coming up in September. I\'ll trade you September for August?
Happy birthday Cassi. Your Momma misses you real bad.
from one Mom to another, hand in hand my friend,
Love you
Merrilee
we get that. Our kids can never be forgotten. My Patrick\'s birthday was yesterday, and the week leading up to and the day of was worse than last year. But today, I had some young women and their little boys come visit for the day. It lifted me out of my funk. Little boys will not be ignored. I do not miss my boy any less. Grieving is just part of us. We get it. Love Lauri
Gina, this journey is so painful. No one that hasn\'t lived this horror can possibly understand. For years I would wake up in the morning and upon remembering that Eddie had died I would scream in my head, \"How did this happen?\"
Birthdays and angel dates truly intensify the pain for me too. Some of the moms here have said that it is just another day of missing our children and while that may be true & helpful for some folks to normalize the day, I personally feel the pain more intensely. I feel more vulnerable on those days. I try to have a plan, a way to honor Ed, and I just lean into the pain & feel what I feel. We are all different & grieve differently. I would suggest just feel what you need to feel and however you observe sweet Cassi\' s birthday, is the right way. Tight hugs of understanding, Linda
Dearest Gina. Go ahead and scream. I find that the emotions build up and I need to scream and throw things.
Birthdays and angel days are horrendous. Just know that we do understand and care.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
I don\'t understand how this happened to me, us, either. So unfair, to bear this pain forever. Some days are easier, birthday\'s, angel days, very delicate. Just getting through them is a great victory. WE never forget our children, we carry their cells within us, ask any biologist. Knowing them as we did, was great. They will always be missed, loved, remembered. Always. Love, abby
It\'s so true. Other people are so uncomfortable when I even mention Jason\'s name. WTF! He is still part of my life as Cassi is still part of your life and always will be. No one but a mother that has lost a child can understand.
I truly understand the disconnect from society. It is so very hurtful to see the world going on as if nothing happened to our children. Why don\'t they know???? Yet we know and we will never ever forget them. Sending you some peace, Hugs, Kathy
We live in 2 worlds at the same time. The world of loss and the world of people. People who do not have the same understanding or even care they forget what happens to others, they just live their life. We live and work in that world, our loss is our own privet world of pain and what if\'s. Our children are still living in our hearts and our dreams. They will watch over us and will comfort us when we are really down. We need to be alert and watch for the signs that are sent us. I am not always watch for those , but will get them when I hit a low time.
We are strong even if we do not know it. Who else could live through this hell of loss without having any strength.
Sending tight hugs your way
Penny
I also find it so painful to see how everyone around me carry on living, as if my precious Colleen never existed! This makes me feel so bitter towards the whole world. I am with you, dear Gina!
Gentle hugs xxx
My son Dean will be gone four years in Sept. I still cannot believe it. It is not supposed to be this way. He was the only person who loved me un-conditionally, no matter what. Angel days, birthdays and all holidays are very hard on our wounded mother\'s hearts. Wishing you peace...
(((HUGS))), Julia
I feel your craziness and your pain in this month of August. My beautiful 22 year old son Jesse was murdered on August 14th and it will be 15 long years. I still get sick, I still cry, I still miss him and always will. Nothing ever gets better, just have to learn to live with this loss,if there is such a thing, just take care of your self, eat breakfast,excersise, keep yourself surrounded with some people...Thinking of you today and hope it gets a little better...XOX, Debbie
There\'s no making sense of any of it. Your Cassi will never be forgotten - she will always be within you and here with us. You love her unconditionally now and forever - so hard to be around those who cannot understand, but how can they? I guess I\'ve kind of accepted that unless someone has walked in our shoes, there\'s no way they can. Not that it makes it any easier. You take good care of yourself and do it one day at a time. Peace to you ~ Joanna x
Six years later, I feel like I am the only one, family or friends, who remembers Doug\'s birthday and angelversary - both of which are in April, a killer month. The angelversary is always difficult, especially the days leading up to it, the anticipation. The birthday used to be difficult, thinking the what ifs, he should be this old and doing this etc. Now I find the birthday more gentle. I think about that special day, re-live the memories. It\'s not quite so gut wrenching. We will always be our chidrens\' Mom. Sue xo