artist, musician, writer, and so forth
why believe in premonitions? premonitions that you have had since you could remember..? an understanding of your life as you know it, and what it will turn out to be..? why believe them? nobody else does but me.
as a very young child i would sit on the steps of the porch and cry, thinking of how sad my mother would be when i died. i felt such shame, and felt so sorry for her. to this day i still harbor the premonition that i will die in my forties, although i am going to do my damnedest not to... i also have had a strong understanding that i am never going to marry. never have wanted children, so perhaps this is a part of the plan? i have always believed, even without wanting to, that, ultimately, i would live my life alone. and god, how i have fought it.
but what if i really have known all along? what if, in accepting my fate, i can now begin to live a full and productive life, flourishing and prospering in all things i do so well? could that be why i have picked the same unsuccessful relationships repeatedly, so that i do not become the person i am not meant to be? is that why i have struggled in mundane jobs to keep my sanity afloat, everyday dreading going back to the grind of something that feels so inexplicably wrong for me? am i supposed to be the artist, musician, and writer? and why am i not making a living at it?
i think it's because i have put forth so much effort, spent so much time, in making love happen to fill the void i encounter from not trying hard enough, from not believing in myself strongly enough. i am not a wealthy or even much more than destitute woman. i am a starving artist, and i am starving, physically and emotionally, because i do not believe in myself as much as i should. i have heard that it is when you grow tired from fighting against the current that you finally drown. perhaps the premonition of an early death is the road that i will take if i continue to resist the fate of spending my life not living happily married ever after. yes, it is possible that i would kill myself trying not to be who i am.
or maybe i'm just plain crazy with the grief of losing my loved one.
as a very young child i would sit on the steps of the porch and cry, thinking of how sad my mother would be when i died. i felt such shame, and felt so sorry for her. to this day i still harbor the premonition that i will die in my forties, although i am going to do my damnedest not to... i also have had a strong understanding that i am never going to marry. never have wanted children, so perhaps this is a part of the plan? i have always believed, even without wanting to, that, ultimately, i would live my life alone. and god, how i have fought it.
but what if i really have known all along? what if, in accepting my fate, i can now begin to live a full and productive life, flourishing and prospering in all things i do so well? could that be why i have picked the same unsuccessful relationships repeatedly, so that i do not become the person i am not meant to be? is that why i have struggled in mundane jobs to keep my sanity afloat, everyday dreading going back to the grind of something that feels so inexplicably wrong for me? am i supposed to be the artist, musician, and writer? and why am i not making a living at it?
i think it's because i have put forth so much effort, spent so much time, in making love happen to fill the void i encounter from not trying hard enough, from not believing in myself strongly enough. i am not a wealthy or even much more than destitute woman. i am a starving artist, and i am starving, physically and emotionally, because i do not believe in myself as much as i should. i have heard that it is when you grow tired from fighting against the current that you finally drown. perhaps the premonition of an early death is the road that i will take if i continue to resist the fate of spending my life not living happily married ever after. yes, it is possible that i would kill myself trying not to be who i am.
or maybe i'm just plain crazy with the grief of losing my loved one.
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