April 30th-12:30pm (posting this very late)

My computer died on me so I wasn't able to post anything I wrote, but I still wrote this a while back on my phone and saved it. I honestly don't remember what it says.. haha!

Getting my carpal tunnel testing done today, part of me is hoping they'll say it requires surgery just so I can get it done & not have this issue ever again. I'm really tired of being in so much pain all the time & I would like to be able to write as much as I want without having to stop because I'm in so much pain & can't continue. Chronic pain can really bring a person down, and since I was 12 I've been living in pain with different body parts for different things. I got my back dealt with, I had back problems from 12-15 years old, then chronic migraines for 6 months when I was 15-16.. I'm tired of always being in pain, if getting surgery means I can at least not have to deal with my wrists anymore, I'll be happy. I'm still waiting to hear when my appt is for my MRI for my knee, it will probably require surgery too, and again I'll be more than happy to get it done if it means I don't have knee problems anymore! I would like to be able to deal with my emotions by writing and deal with my stress by running.

I miss the body I had.. The body I was proud of, the body I felt comfortable in.. I used to run every second day for an hour, and every day I didn't run I went for a walk & did core exercises.. I worked hard for my body and I was proud of it, but I injured my knee & now 3 years has gone by and I've gained 30-40lbs.. I'm not ashamed of my body, but I'm not incredibly comfortable in it either. I've tried working out, but every time I start up again, one of my many injuries decides to act up.. Shoulder, knees, back, ankles, wrists, hands, elbow, rib, hips... There's always something that prevents me from exercising. I eat relatively healthily, sure I drink pop & coffee every now & then but I don't eat anything deep-fried, no fast food, no pizza.. I have a fruit smoothie with apple cider vinegar in it almost every morning to help boost my metabolism (as well as other things) too. I'm just tired of not being able to exercise the way I want to. Emotionally, it's hard for me to resist the urge to starve myself or develop an eating disorder of other sorts, I lost a lot of weight doing it but rationally I know I gained a lot of weight once I started eating and lost some respect for myself. I want to be proud of my body because I worked my ass off to be proud of it, not because I denied my body the nutrients it requires to function.

I'm just hoping I'll be able to work out again once the major medical issues I have are sorted out (knees & carpal tunnel). I'm going to get my hip checked out sometime this summer too, it's causing a lot of problems for me. I'm just tired of the constant pain, I want to be able to go running and hiking and now have to worry about my knee collapsing on me and not being able to walk again for a month.. I don't want to Have to bring my cell when I go running because I could have to call someone for help because I can't move.. I go running to escape the world, physically I'm not far from home, spiritually I'm in another universe/plain and I'm completely free. The first time my knee caved, the point of injury, I didn't have my phone & I still had to get up a steep hill, a flight of stairs, and walk home.. At a normal walking pace it would take me approximately 30 minutes.. And I had to do it with my knee so bad I couldn't bare put weight on it.. It's no wonder it's so messed up now. Doctors are pretty sure I have a cartilage tear in my knee, if that's the case they can surgically remove a chunk of torn cartilage and problem solved! It'll be a lot of physio.. Physio, wheelchairs, crutches.. It's going to be hell but I'm looking forward to the day that I can run again! :)