another year ... without you

in about a month, March 16 will be yet another year without my son. 17 years since he left this earth and he would be 35 now. 18 year olds aren't supposed to die, they barely had a chance to really live. I never really understood the saying "died from a broken heart" ~ but every one of us who have lost a child knows that saying is real. My heart shattered 3/16/03. Next month will be 17 yrs as I said ~ one year shy of how long I had my son here. So much goes through my head this time of year. I carry it daily but during this time of year it over whelms me. 

I'm not sure how I made it through another year. It's just a blur. I don't feel like I have control although I work 12 hour days - often to just escape the pain of it all. Work is my therapy. I started there 8 months after Randy Lee died. The job got me through that first year of holidays. I honestly believe I was guided to the agency, to this job. My sweet boy has opened my eyes to signs and I don't doubt for a second he has blessed me with opportunities, brought me togther with those I need as well as given me a gift that brings such joy to my life. My bonus son Jason, one of Randy's close friends that I am blessed to share in his life. He's my son as if I gave him life. His wife is my daughter and they have given me gifts of love, knowing how it feels to be a grandma and sharing all of those joys. I couldn't imagine my life without them all. I have this group of young women at work that see me as their Momma Dee and again, I can't imagine my life without them. Life can give you exactly what you need if you are open to seeing it. The saying "I didn't give you life but you gave me a life" rings so very true for my "family". 

I often find myself thinking of Randy Lee growing older. Would he be married? kids? his career? Would he be clean & working recovery or still actively fighting that horrible demon. I try so hard to remember the sound of his voice, how his face glowed when he smiled and was joking around. The sounds of his laugh, how wonderful his hugs were. How looking into his big brown eyes and feeling my heart smile. When I remember Randy Lee I choose to remember my son. That horrible disease of addiction steals the soul of the person and changes them into something not even their mom can know. The disease kills those that loves the person as well but it may be worse. We are here standing, clinging to memories and alone. I'd change places with him in a heart beat but that's not possible. I prayed to God for my son to find peace. I prayed that through tears, alone in my car driving after a confrontation between Randy Lee and myself about a positive UA. I wanted him to know peace but not like this. Never like this. 

My team is supporting a man in our program who I fought hard for our agency not to take into our Rehab. I did his intake in jail - locked in a room about 10' x 10' in a space I could have easily reached across the table and smacked him upside his head. I don't condone violance but I had that thought. History to understand this ~ I wrote last year about a young woman on my team who we all loved and was a dear friend had passed away about 1.5 years ago. She hid her addiction from us knowing she could have talked to any one of us, reached out and asked for help but the addiction pulled her away into it's clutch. The night she died she was in her home, 4 of her 5 kids home asleep in their beds. She had started a relationship with a guy that other saw as trouble but she saw something in him, maybe not a good thing but she loved greatly, deeply and I'm sure her heart was HUGE for all the love she had. The night she died it's rumored that this man assisted her with taking the drugs - a highly addictive, strong pain killer. It was her last night alive. Since no one was in that room other than Arika and her boyfriend all we can do is speculate. She can't tell us, he is a know liar, the coroner deemed it assisted suicide, the EMT's felt she was injected. She hated needles. She couldn't even give herself an Imitrix shot in a full blown migraine attack so it's hard for me to imgine she injected herself. I sat across that table from that very man. I fought hard not to bring him into the program based solely on how my team felt about it, how strongly we all felt. I lost and he moved in. It's difficult for me to interact with him but professionalism is needed. I moved two of my young staff from the house he is living. One who took it extremly hard was Arika's best friend. I keep trying to focus on he's trying to better himself, he's making good choices, he doesn't have anyone to be a support in life ~ I'm trying but again, I just want to smack him. We shall see because only he can make this recovery.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I still feel like I'm in a marriage in name only. I walked into the house tonight to a dozen purple roses. My favorite color ~ they are beautiful but I'm not a flower person. I mean why do we give them in happy times and in death? 

I have the week of March 16 off as I do every year. I'm debating on just taking a day or two because I have to have knee surgery the first week of April and I'll be off at least 2 weeks. I know most people are off longer but I plan to focus on recovery, push the PT and get myself moving and off the cane as soon as I can. My ortho Dr feels if I can do PT like I did for my shoulder I'll do the knee without issue. As gracful as I am, NOT!, LOL - I fell while walking across my bedroom floor and hit my shoulder right on the step by by bed (HIGH BED and being short don't mix~). I knew the second I fell, I heard the crack and off to the ER we went. I'm a 54 year old woman who is walking into an ER at 2AM holding my arm across my body where you can see that the bone in my arm is separated from the socket yet they opt to not give me pain meds. Mind you, I don't like to take pain meds but this was horrible pain. So they send me to x-ray and sure enough, I diagnosised myself correctly - I broke the top of my humorus bone at the ball joint off in a 3" section that then "fell" down my arm about 4" away from the socket. 1.5 hours into my ER visit they decide to give me a shot as they are reading my discharge instructions. When telling me about med they are about to inject into my arm I ask why they allowed me to go without pain med before the x-ray. "We have to be careful because people come in drug seeking". Really? I'm a 54 yr old woman who did not ask, beg or imply they wanted anything but I honestly think a broken shoulder should be seen as - I don't know need help with the pain??? I told them at any time they could have and I know they had looked me up on the computer to see that the last time I had been in that ER was July 31, 2011 and I was having a heart attack. I don't go to the ER unless it's an EMERGENCY. Seriously, that was the one hospital survey I took time to fill out. Mind you giving a person who doesn't handle meds well a shot as your discharging her may not be your best doctor moment. GOOD NEWS was that I managed to get the bone back to within .25" from it's original place without surgery using physical therapy. I have more range of motion than they thought would occur.

I hate these moods - I ramble and I don't mean to but it happens. I think the one thing I did right in my life was to be Randy Lee's mom. Some days I didn't do great but I always loved him. I loved him more than I loved anyone, anything ... I loved that kid so much it still aches every single day that I couldn't help him, I couldn't save him. Maybe that's why I was led to this field ~ to help others in a way I wasn't able to help Randy Lee. I admit I see those with addictions differently than someone who hasn't loved an addict. Someone who doesn't see it as a disease. Someone who knows with every ounce of her being that no person with an addiction chooses to be an addict. 

I have always tried to find positives, to see the good. I was blessed with a big hearted son for 18 years. Some were good - some were tough -- some were painful -- some were happy beyond happy. God blessed me to be Randy Lee's mom even if it was for a shorter period of time than I planned. It started as a beautiful, happy moment when this 7lb 9.25 oz pound little bundle of joy fought to get into this world who grew into this 6' 2" 135 lb handsome young man who lost his life to a horrible disease. He entered this world with 1 heart and left this world with his momma's heart and pieces of so many others. God how I loved that child. 

I'm doing a memorial celebration of his life. We did a rock paint & hide 2 years ago for his 33rd birthday and some friends asked to do it again this year for his angeldate. So, we are. There's a Facebook page that is titled "Randy Lee's Rocking 33rd Birthday" where we ask friends, family and others to take a moment to paint a rock and add the page tag to the back of the rock, hide it and hope the finder will post a pic on the page and re-hide the rock. I've painted a Carolina Blue rock with the NC on it for Randy Lee's favorite school ~ he was a North Carolina Tarheel at heart. I have his NC ballhat hanging on my bedpost beside my nightstand that holds his senior picture in a blue shirt that the teddy bear sitting there was made from that very shift. I always say those first 20 seconds of each morning are my favorite because I don't remember ... then it hits me. Maybe that's our body's way of giving us at least a few seconds each day not to feel the heartache. 

I am grateful for Randy Lee's friends and family and all the people life has brought to me that allow me to share & know joy through them. Those that send me texts and messages just to say hi or check on me. The ones that share their kids with me and allow me the joy to be Grandma. Seeing this ecclectic little family that I have that gives me realy joy when I forget what that feels like. 

I'm going to try to do more journaling this year because it does help. I'm going to love those who bring joy to my life. I'm going to pay it forward each chance I get to bring joy to another. I'm going to paint a few rocks with love to hide in the hopes that it brightens someone's day when they look down and see one. I'm going to do the best that I can because it's all I can do. 

Wishing everyone SIGNS from their loved ones to brighten your day a bit ~