another relapse....setting myself up for failure

So I put all my eggs in a basket with this last guy, Nakara.  It was just such a complex situation.  I can tell he is a genuinely kind, happy, open, sweet person.  But right away he started to pay so much attention to me, texting me all day and all night, wanting to hang out with me all the time, insisting I sleep over, making travel plans, suggesting we get married (not because we were together but for convenience, so i could have a thai visa and he could have an american one)....we were intimitate too.  but all of this was interspersed with him telling me he wasn't ready for a girlfriend, that this wasn't serious.  and, truth be told, i wasn't in love with him either, i didn't really think i wanted him as my boyfriend.  it turns out, though, that i guess i kind of did want him as my boyfriend.

 right now two travellers are renting out my house, and i almost wasn't going to let them stay but then nakara insisted i could stay at his place and woudl give me the key.  so anyway, he is a really awesome dj at this club in the city, so the night the traveller's came I went to see his DJ set and then would go home with him when he was done.  There was this supppperrr hot blonde, petite girl there and I knew he was into her.  Sure enough we went to an after party and he basically didn't really pay attention to me and even was going on and on about how hot this blonde girl was--he had known her before.  Truth be told, Nakara is really cute to me but I am 5"8 and he is about the same height, we are about the same size.  I can work with that if we have a good connection....so yeah, it just really hurt my feelings so much that this girl was so hot, and I couldn't leave because I was staying at his place.  fucking sucked.  i started drinking. i went over to some of his friend's place though and smoked weed.  at least i wasn't just sitting there staring and crying.  salvaged my dignity for the night.....but you know what happens next.  yup.  drank the next day too and had a meltdown and completely alienated nak, he blocked me on facebook and the whole 9 yards.  it sucks a lot.  i stopped drinking today.  i drank saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday.  not too much because the travellers were at my house so i couldn't just lay by myself and keep drinking.  i'm at a hotel right now because yesterday i just needed my space to deal with this and the house is a mess because they are there.  oh and then i was drunk last night and the maintence man came to check on something and offered me a free massage....guess what that led to.  another random sexual encounter.  LIKE IM IN MY ROOM IN A HOTEL DOING NOTHING JUST WANTING TO BE DRUNK AND NUMB and still some kind of casual sex finds itself into my life.  MEN have fucked me up so much.....everyone wants to fuck but then the ones that i want to be with don't want me.  i just feels so toxic, all of it.  it's so difficult to navigate.  

i know this is my fault, and now i really understand i am not ready for anyone to be affectionate or intimate with me and not start to feel romantic toward them.  i feel like this is the last straw, in a good way.   i am going to try to journal more for my own benefit and also reach out more to the artist community around here.  hang out in coffeshops, go to art galleries, connect with people on facebook.  i need more cool friends. 

my drinking binges are stemming from a deep nihilism and loneliness and feelings of inadequacies.  i need to learn to 1) accept the pain of life.  accept that people are shallow, accept that i cannot have the privledge of drinking.  and then i need to throw myself into my projects.  and *work*.  like actually *work*.  sew many hours a day, study thai an hour a day, do yoga or hike everyday (which i usually do anyway because it's such a release), actively try to make connections.  my house is awesome, it is my temple and sanctuary, but it feeds my introverted ways and i need to step outside that if anything is going to change.  i need money too, i'm done wasting my money on alcohol and then losing my motorbike, for instance, because i'm an enormous, irresponsble fuck up.  thinngs need to change.  i'm going to go to AA out here and also am in contact with a therapist that I can meet with.  

I want ot change, and instead of bemoaning this loneliness in my heart and wallowing in all the ways I suck, and what I don't have.....I need to rejoice and embrace what I do have and think about what I can do to make this world better, and to make myself proud of myself. 

ok, that is all for right now, i'm goign to go to sleep.  it's goign to be ok.