Another month almost gone
Hello SOTH - First day back at work after being off for 2 weeks. There is something to be said for getting back in a routine but in the midst of me being in a routine - there is something missing in my routine. I talked to my daughter 4 or 5 times a week and saw she and my grandson each week. Oh how I miss that part of "my routine".... My heart is heavy and feel so sad most of the time. Looking in a mirror, there is a real sadness in my eyes - guess it's normal but I am tired of being tired, tired of being sad, JUST TIRED!!
In talking to another mom @ work who lost her son 5 years ago , she reminded me that our life will never be the same and she still has days that she is sad and tired and feeling lost. She is always there with a listening ear, a prayer, a flower, a hug and I am so blessed to have her @ work. She GETS IT just like you all do. I had a friend that told me she hoped I had "moved on". I know she doesn't know want to say but REALLY - I'm doing the best I can.... I'm so grateful for this group because I know you understand.
I was @ Ross' in the dressing room trying on clothes and I heard someone say "MOM" and I immediately started crying and had to leave. I not only miss my mom but oh how I miss my daughter saying "MOM". The last words she said to me was "HI MOM" - she had just been transferred to the Neuro ICU and was in and out of consciousness - those words "HI MOM" are forever embedded in my memory. SIGH...I look forward to seeing her again and then I will hear "HI MOM"! That gives me hope but until then, I keep wiping away my tears and look forward to reading your journals, your responses everyday for they too give me comfort and hope. Thank you..
Much love & hugs this Monday eve.
Vicki
In talking to another mom @ work who lost her son 5 years ago , she reminded me that our life will never be the same and she still has days that she is sad and tired and feeling lost. She is always there with a listening ear, a prayer, a flower, a hug and I am so blessed to have her @ work. She GETS IT just like you all do. I had a friend that told me she hoped I had "moved on". I know she doesn't know want to say but REALLY - I'm doing the best I can.... I'm so grateful for this group because I know you understand.
I was @ Ross' in the dressing room trying on clothes and I heard someone say "MOM" and I immediately started crying and had to leave. I not only miss my mom but oh how I miss my daughter saying "MOM". The last words she said to me was "HI MOM" - she had just been transferred to the Neuro ICU and was in and out of consciousness - those words "HI MOM" are forever embedded in my memory. SIGH...I look forward to seeing her again and then I will hear "HI MOM"! That gives me hope but until then, I keep wiping away my tears and look forward to reading your journals, your responses everyday for they too give me comfort and hope. Thank you..
Much love & hugs this Monday eve.
Vicki
Replies
Oh Vicki. I spoke to Lisa every day so I understand the emptiness. When the phone rang when we were having dinner, Joe would say \"how does she know we\'re eating?\". She lived 2 time zones ahead of us so would often call at 8 her time. It was 6 where we were. She would always answer \"Hi Mummy\" when I called her. I miss her cheery voice.
I am so glad you have a mom who truly understands you. It makes such a difference.
It took me a long time before I felt at all like myself again. I went back to work very soon after Lisa died. I needed the \'normalness\' of work.
Have a great week!
Hugs, Marlene
My son lived at home with us. He called me several times a day even more. Even if it was for silly stuff. Like what are you doing, where r u?. I too miss those calls. My phone does not ring like it use to. I too am sad most of the time. Although our SOTH say it will get softer. We will live again. I try to have that hope.
I feel that any underlying issues or mental issues i may have had have been brought out.
I just want to get better. I feel mentally ill.
A neighbor and a friend started emailing me lately. She was one of four that attended the memorial, never contacted me and I tried to send messages that I missed her. Just recently she contacted me by email. I let her know that I am not the same me, that me was gone. Some things have not changed, others have changed drastically. I also let her know that I will never be able to \"move on.\" Rules and expectations are done! She understood and I really enjoy her emails now.
Grieving is incredibly hard work and tired is normal for awhile. Treat yourself gently and don\'t overdo.
Gentle hugs,
Leda
I understand, Vicki. I had to return to work about 3 weeks after my sons death (11-22-08). I remember going down to the Target store in our shopping center one day and standing there, thinking that if I imagined hard enough, I could see Michael come down an aisle and say \"Here I am, Mom\". I remember going over to the greeting card aisle and standing there, crying. Oblivious to whoever saw me. To this day (over 5 years now), I still turn when I hear someone call \"Mom\" who sounds a bit familiar to my son. But, I am at peace these days and have accepted that which I cannot change. I have learned to live with my regrets and embrace the joy that came with having Michael for my son. Gentle days are ahead if you embrace and accept them.
Peace.
Hi Vicki, I too understand. Routine left when Kala left this earth. I never even wanted to hold to tradition, or start new ones, because I didn\'t want a routine.... I tried going back to work, but it was disastrous and so I hired a secretary to take over and I went home....stayed home for almost 2 years. Just stayed \'fluid\" I guess you\'d say....roaming, rambling, coming and going without much thought and zero planning. Of course the first 5ish months were filled with high school stuff (Kala was a very popular senior and very involved in her school so there were a lot of ceremonies and such to attend....plus graduation.....deep sigh). I sort of felt like after those first months I went on a bit of a vacation from \"real life\".
I still, 7 years later, do a double take every time I see a teenage girl with long blonde hair....or see a car like the one Kala had. My heart skips a beat, a take a deep breath, say, \"I miss you Pooh\"....and keep going. Somehow, for 7 years, I\'ve just kept going.
A HUGE help for me was having Barbara, founder of FMO, as a close friend. We lived only 1/2 hour from each other and met often and talked on the phone nearly everyday until we lost her to breast cancer in Feb of 2011. Having someone to talk to face to face....to cry with and hug....who REALLY gets it, well, it\'s just such a precious gift. I was blessed to have Barbara, and you are blessed to have your friend at work. And she is blessed to have YOU!
And tired....OH goodness, how tiring....exhausting....this level of grieving is!! But I can honestly share that this level, this beginning intensity, will not last forever. I have found renewed energies and renewed interest in living life to the fullest, but still, \"those days\" when they come, can knock the wind out of my sails in an instant.
Keep sharing. Keep doing what you know, or even think, to be best for YOUR healing journey, and always know that we love you, we understand, and we are always here to HEAR your heart speak.
Much love to you!
Much love to Jennifer!
Where I work,, one Sat night a group of young girls came in,,,,, made my heart sad,, but then they sang \'Happy Birthday to Morgan\".... Oh how I cried... we all have those break down times, even now,,, love ya!
I talk to Patrick everyday..we need time to let go. For us, Vicki, it is still so new. People around us have moved on as they need to, but we are just trying to find our new normal. I am going toward that, all though I am being dragged to it most days.
You are doing the work of grieving and feeling it all. I can relate to everything you are describing and the missing and longing is something that I believe will always be with me. I\'m learning how to give it space, compassion and a voice which is just what your journal is. You are voicing your heart and it is part of the healing in learning how to live with the loss of your precious Jennifer.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart with the deepest of understanding,
XO Joanie
Ma...mom...momma...! Alex would loving call me as he walked in the door...I will always miss that...but after nearly 7 years...I can still hear him call me. If I close my eyes, I can go there for a few minutes...see him and his beautiful, playful smile. We DO get it...and others are clueless...and I pray they stay that way...heart to heart...Karen
I really get the missing \"MOM\" My son called me Dukes or Momma Dukes, that was his pet name for me. My daughter will try to use it but it is not the same. It is the little things that we hold dear to our hearts we miss the most and will make us cry at a drop of the hat.
It is good you have someone at work who really understands. I had people who rallied around me but did not understand what I was dealing with.
Hugs Penny
I know, Vicki. I miss my son saying, \"Ma or Mom\". He was my only child but like you I know I will see Ed again one day as you will see your dear daughter. Until then we walk this journey together. Tight hugs, Linda
P.S. - I promise you that the energy eventually creeps back in..
Bittersweet thought it is, that\'s nice you have someone who understands at work with you. People can say stupid stuff but I don\'t think they are deliberately trying to hurt you, they just don\'t understand - how can they?
Gosh, I remember when David went into the ICU. I was on my way to hospital to visit when they called me and said his room had changed and he was now in intensive care. I walked in and that\'s what he said \" Hi Mom \" in his cheerful voice - he died 48hrs later. It\'s been six years now but seems like yesterday. Sometimes I can barely stand it. Joanna x
Vicki, I\'m really glad to hear you have someone you can talk to in real time and in person who understands what you are going through. We all share such a unique and horrendous loss, so the more support from people who understand the better. Work is can be good and bad. When I was back at my crappy job after I lost Jackson, it was impossible. Being at a new job that is actually good, helps me escape -- I hope you can get some peace and take advantage of your coworker\'s support.
What a blessing, to have a friend who understands!! I have friends and family, but nobody really \"gets it\". That is why FMO is so important to me. Being tired, sad and exhausted has become a way of life for me. I hope it eases up one day. I miss my son\'s voice and his smile, every minute of every day!!
((((HUGS))))....Julia
one of my coworkers told me she missed Jenn calling me every day... I had a special ring tone so she knew it was Jenn... it was so comforting that she understood..
Hugs, MaryLou