Another milestone ... and still crying
I try so very had to stay positive and mostly I am. I truly mean it when I say I'm thankful to God for the 18 years I had Randy Lee here to hold ~ the good and the bad times. If God came to me and said I could choose to have him again but only for those 18yrs, with all the joy and even the bumps or not have him at all ~ I'd answer YES, YES, YES before he ended that sentence. While I wasn't loving those 4 yrs prior to his death and my son was trapped in there, there were glimpses of him. That big, loving heart was there through it all. He was so caring, full of love and willing to help a friend ~ that was my son. The addiction was a demon who simply took up residence in his precious body.
I went though all the emotions -anger, hate, resentment, self hatred, blame, bargaining, prayers it was a dream ... you name it, I lived it. The anger, hate, resentment, blame are all gone. There's still a void in my heart ... in my live in the shape of Randy Lee but there's also thankfulness that I was blessed with such a loving soul, love I never knew could exist so fully and a feeling that to have lived without him for that short time would have meant not actually being who I was meant to be.
I've shared all year that this year has been very difficult for me. I cringe when I hear "it gets easier with time", "time heals your wounds" or "the more time passes, the less it will hurt". LIES ~ said by someone who never felt loss of a child. I'm not even sure I want it to hurt less. Does that make sense? Somehow if it hurts less I would think he would begin to mean less and I never, ever want that to happen. I'll live with the ache, the pain, the hurt to have his memory and love.
I toyed with the idea of doing a website for him for this year but in the end I didn't do that. I took a simplier route. I posted on facebook to all family & friends that I still love to hear stories of Randy Lee. I love to see pics of him and hear about what his name reminds them of. I got so many messages, texts and IM's it really made my day. I cried at almost all of them, laughed at many knowing he would so have done that, treasured the images they created and most of all I was in awe of how many reached out to me. Some were stories I had heard before, some were new. I'm lucky in the fact that I do have wonderful friends, I have contact with so many of Randy's friends and they all sort of just know we share that common bond of loving and losing him.
I think what surprised me most was hearing from his dad Jack. Jack and I were married for 21 years. 3 years after Randy Lee passed which were less than ideal. We differed on how to handle his addiction and lived on separate sides of that battle those last 4 years. When we did divorce -it wasn't angry or hateful. We both reached a point knowing there was nothing left to cling to and it was time to simply move on. It took me almost 14 months after Randy died to forgive Jack. My anger got the best of me and I can say at that point I know what it feels like to hate someone. Then I realized my hatred wasn't hurting him but myself. He was struggling with his own issues. I remember the day I stood in the living room of what was once our home and told him "I forgive you. I forgive you for not wanting to confront Randy's addiction, for not wanting to force him into rehab, for wanting to be his friend, for whatever else happened because I know, deep down that you love him. You always loved him and that's what mattered. I forgive you - not for you, not for me but for Randy Lee. He wouldn't want us to hate each other". I remember Jack standing there crying not saying a word but just nodding. The saying that when you forgive there is a weight that lifts off of you -- I can't even tell you how true that is. He messaged me on Randy's birthday and thanked me for my post and how true it was. He shared memories and pics and thanked me for caring about his gravesite so much. He told me he still has trouble going there and how very hard this year has been on him too. We messaged for about an hour and it was nice. Jack and I differed on so many things when it came to Randy Lee those last 4 years but I do know he loved him. He lost a son as much as I did. I did have to smile when he said he laughed out loud about my statement "Randy and I had a connection - one I can never explain. I knew simply by looking at him when he was lying, I knew what he was going to do before he did it and for years that really ticked him off." It was so true - Randy Lee was so me and my connection to him then and now still overcomes me at times.
So, Randy Lee came into my life 29 years ago Thursday, 9/12/13. This was his 10th birthday in heaven. I remember the parties when he was young with all the cakes, balloons, friends, family and laughs. I remember when he was a teen and it turned to family dinners and friends. I remember the ones missed during his rehab, Never has September 12th ever come since 1984 that I didn't think about him. This milestone for 10 yrs is almost over. Honestly - I don't think I'll see a change in how I feel. The longer my life is without him the deeper the void. I watch his friends grow up, go to college, get married, start families and I picture him beside of them. I do know this ~ as much as I have wondered these last 10 years if Randy Lee ever knew how very much I loved him ... I know he has sent me angels to guide me. He has sent me signs .... reminders .... moments in time that happen exactly when I need them most .... so while I still long to hear him say it with his own voice .... I have my answer to him knowing.
Happy Birthday my sweet boy. I know you're safe, in a happier place and loving every moment of it. Happy 29th Birthday to my angel ....
I went though all the emotions -anger, hate, resentment, self hatred, blame, bargaining, prayers it was a dream ... you name it, I lived it. The anger, hate, resentment, blame are all gone. There's still a void in my heart ... in my live in the shape of Randy Lee but there's also thankfulness that I was blessed with such a loving soul, love I never knew could exist so fully and a feeling that to have lived without him for that short time would have meant not actually being who I was meant to be.
I've shared all year that this year has been very difficult for me. I cringe when I hear "it gets easier with time", "time heals your wounds" or "the more time passes, the less it will hurt". LIES ~ said by someone who never felt loss of a child. I'm not even sure I want it to hurt less. Does that make sense? Somehow if it hurts less I would think he would begin to mean less and I never, ever want that to happen. I'll live with the ache, the pain, the hurt to have his memory and love.
I toyed with the idea of doing a website for him for this year but in the end I didn't do that. I took a simplier route. I posted on facebook to all family & friends that I still love to hear stories of Randy Lee. I love to see pics of him and hear about what his name reminds them of. I got so many messages, texts and IM's it really made my day. I cried at almost all of them, laughed at many knowing he would so have done that, treasured the images they created and most of all I was in awe of how many reached out to me. Some were stories I had heard before, some were new. I'm lucky in the fact that I do have wonderful friends, I have contact with so many of Randy's friends and they all sort of just know we share that common bond of loving and losing him.
I think what surprised me most was hearing from his dad Jack. Jack and I were married for 21 years. 3 years after Randy Lee passed which were less than ideal. We differed on how to handle his addiction and lived on separate sides of that battle those last 4 years. When we did divorce -it wasn't angry or hateful. We both reached a point knowing there was nothing left to cling to and it was time to simply move on. It took me almost 14 months after Randy died to forgive Jack. My anger got the best of me and I can say at that point I know what it feels like to hate someone. Then I realized my hatred wasn't hurting him but myself. He was struggling with his own issues. I remember the day I stood in the living room of what was once our home and told him "I forgive you. I forgive you for not wanting to confront Randy's addiction, for not wanting to force him into rehab, for wanting to be his friend, for whatever else happened because I know, deep down that you love him. You always loved him and that's what mattered. I forgive you - not for you, not for me but for Randy Lee. He wouldn't want us to hate each other". I remember Jack standing there crying not saying a word but just nodding. The saying that when you forgive there is a weight that lifts off of you -- I can't even tell you how true that is. He messaged me on Randy's birthday and thanked me for my post and how true it was. He shared memories and pics and thanked me for caring about his gravesite so much. He told me he still has trouble going there and how very hard this year has been on him too. We messaged for about an hour and it was nice. Jack and I differed on so many things when it came to Randy Lee those last 4 years but I do know he loved him. He lost a son as much as I did. I did have to smile when he said he laughed out loud about my statement "Randy and I had a connection - one I can never explain. I knew simply by looking at him when he was lying, I knew what he was going to do before he did it and for years that really ticked him off." It was so true - Randy Lee was so me and my connection to him then and now still overcomes me at times.
So, Randy Lee came into my life 29 years ago Thursday, 9/12/13. This was his 10th birthday in heaven. I remember the parties when he was young with all the cakes, balloons, friends, family and laughs. I remember when he was a teen and it turned to family dinners and friends. I remember the ones missed during his rehab, Never has September 12th ever come since 1984 that I didn't think about him. This milestone for 10 yrs is almost over. Honestly - I don't think I'll see a change in how I feel. The longer my life is without him the deeper the void. I watch his friends grow up, go to college, get married, start families and I picture him beside of them. I do know this ~ as much as I have wondered these last 10 years if Randy Lee ever knew how very much I loved him ... I know he has sent me angels to guide me. He has sent me signs .... reminders .... moments in time that happen exactly when I need them most .... so while I still long to hear him say it with his own voice .... I have my answer to him knowing.
Happy Birthday my sweet boy. I know you're safe, in a happier place and loving every moment of it. Happy 29th Birthday to my angel ....
Replies
Randy Lee\'s birthday is my son, Daren\'s angel day...
I celebrate his life with you...
.
Randy Lee!
The love in your post is so evident, it shines so bright!!!!Peace to you, Kathy
Thank you \"Daren\' mom\". Funny how once insignificant dates become so much a part of our daily life. September 12th changed my life forever as it did yours - just in different ways. Wishing you comfort and love.
Randy gave me some wonderful gifts in his short life. I think one of the best was knowing unconditional love. Knowing a deep, heart felt love that I wasn\'t sure I ever knew exisisted before that tiny little bundle that fought so hard to come into this world was placed into my arms. I wrote in his baby book that day and reading it years later it had an oddly eerie feeling to me but I remember the day I wrote it. \"Looking at this perfect child - 10 little fingers, 10 little toes and a face that melts my heart. All the adventures he will have and experience in life. Somehow I can\'t seem to picture him grown but maybe that\'s a way of saying he will forever be caputured in this moment and etched into my heart\". I look back and I never really \"saw\" Randy as a grown man. I just never seemed to be able to pitcure that. He never really made it to that point. 18 years was all he saw - 17 years 6 months to be exact but not grown. My heart still was filled with a love I never had before, I\'ve never had since. The day of his birth a part of me blossomed and began to live for the first time ... and his angel date a part of me died and has never regrown. I\'m okay with that ~ I know that void is him. Missing him, loving him doesn\'t mean not moving forward, it just means doing it in a different way. My love for him is as great today as it was then ... it\'s as much a part of me today as it was 29 years ago. I think that\'s simply a mother\'s love. :)
You have so accurately expressed the strong love you share with Randy Lee. It\'s like no other. I send you and him a heartfelt hug for this birthday spent away from your loving arms. XOXO, Debbie
Just reading this today... Can\'t stop the tears. So much of what you wrote I could have written. Thank you. Love you, RANDY LEE!
I can honestly say Randy Lee was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. A mother\'s love isn\'t easily explained to others. Good, bad, funny and sad .... I never stopped loving him for a minute. Thanks for the comments - he was an awesome young man!