Another Long Monday
Things have calmed down a little bit although I am still shaky at periods throughout the day. I didn't sleep well last night again after the attempt we made to talk some last night. I have no idea how things are going to be from minute to minute.
What I do know is that I am completely alone and we agreed last night that it had been sometime since we could even honestly say that we were friends.
I am just about to the point where I just don't care anymore. I am all for putting effort into a relationship but I don't think it should be this hard all the time and I feel like we keep trying to put out fingers into the dam only to have a new leak start somewhere else. I have been deathly afraid of making a mistake..what if we were supposed to stay together? What if there is never anyone else? ever?
Now I am almost to that point where I would rather just be alone than have this struggle every day. I am still struggling through my classes this semester. It is just hard to care with things the way they are.
He told me last night he feels I have been lying to him the whole 12 years we have been together. Whatever. While it was wrong of me to be flirtatiously texting someone before I moved out, I never intended to follow through with anything. He goes on and on about how I cheated while we were separated. I am sure its painful. Hell, its a painful, awful memory for me as well, but at that point I believed we were permanently separated so I guess I dont see it as cheating. I am just taking each day at a time right now. Hoping I will find answers. The property prices are going up in AZ and I had to loan him money from the savings to pay off the payday loan he had been keeping secret for two years so I am starting to worry that I will not be able to get property near my mom. I started seeking alternatives.
I have become fascinated with tiny homes. Maybe I could just have an RV pad put in at my moms and move into one of those? I am not sure how the cats would adjust.
Here is one of my favorites:
http://tinyhouselistings.com/cute-micro-hose/
What I do know is that I am completely alone and we agreed last night that it had been sometime since we could even honestly say that we were friends.
I am just about to the point where I just don't care anymore. I am all for putting effort into a relationship but I don't think it should be this hard all the time and I feel like we keep trying to put out fingers into the dam only to have a new leak start somewhere else. I have been deathly afraid of making a mistake..what if we were supposed to stay together? What if there is never anyone else? ever?
Now I am almost to that point where I would rather just be alone than have this struggle every day. I am still struggling through my classes this semester. It is just hard to care with things the way they are.
He told me last night he feels I have been lying to him the whole 12 years we have been together. Whatever. While it was wrong of me to be flirtatiously texting someone before I moved out, I never intended to follow through with anything. He goes on and on about how I cheated while we were separated. I am sure its painful. Hell, its a painful, awful memory for me as well, but at that point I believed we were permanently separated so I guess I dont see it as cheating. I am just taking each day at a time right now. Hoping I will find answers. The property prices are going up in AZ and I had to loan him money from the savings to pay off the payday loan he had been keeping secret for two years so I am starting to worry that I will not be able to get property near my mom. I started seeking alternatives.
I have become fascinated with tiny homes. Maybe I could just have an RV pad put in at my moms and move into one of those? I am not sure how the cats would adjust.
Here is one of my favorites:
http://tinyhouselistings.com/cute-micro-hose/
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