another holiday, another tear
Even seemingless calm holidays are bothering me this year. All I can think about are the picnics we had at our house when Randy Lee was growing up. How excited he always was for all the family to be there and loved grilling out.
The first year was like this. I hated anything that had a memory to it. Anything that gave me time from work to have extra time to think. Losing myself in work has been my way of dealing with the emotions. I have to stay in check there because others depend on me. Makes it easier for me to do until I walk out the door and the tears usually flow.
I've honestly slept most of today away. I'm so angry and depressed I don't even like myself at this point. I just can't seem to shake it this time. It's been like this since late January this year and it's just growing.
I feel like such a horrible person - I keep losing people I love. I keep having to say good-bye and others seem to skate through life without a care. I keep asking God what I've done so wrong in my life that I'm shouldering all of this. I don't seem to get an answer or at least I haven't seen it yet.
I just need a break ... a vacation from life. Too bad that means extra time to think ... .and the cycle begins again. UGH!
The first year was like this. I hated anything that had a memory to it. Anything that gave me time from work to have extra time to think. Losing myself in work has been my way of dealing with the emotions. I have to stay in check there because others depend on me. Makes it easier for me to do until I walk out the door and the tears usually flow.
I've honestly slept most of today away. I'm so angry and depressed I don't even like myself at this point. I just can't seem to shake it this time. It's been like this since late January this year and it's just growing.
I feel like such a horrible person - I keep losing people I love. I keep having to say good-bye and others seem to skate through life without a care. I keep asking God what I've done so wrong in my life that I'm shouldering all of this. I don't seem to get an answer or at least I haven't seen it yet.
I just need a break ... a vacation from life. Too bad that means extra time to think ... .and the cycle begins again. UGH!
Replies
I feel the same way.... the holiday brings back the memories of ones that were happy and full of family and fun,,, now they bring the tears.... if you get an answer of what you have done wrong,,, I\'d like to know,, love ya!
It sounds like my own story and all of us moms who have been through these same emotions! This is the grieving process we all have to go through and believe you won\'t always feel like this..It takes a lot of emotions and energy get through to the other side.. When you need to rest do rest, it took me more then 3 yrs before I Iearned how to feel deal and heal, but it comes and goes in different stages.. I\'m in my 7th yr since my !8 yr old son Ryan left us and I\'ll never get over it but the good news is you will get through it.. The pain lessens but it can come back as if it was yesterday all over again... you just learn and know it will pass. I noticed I can\'t get to excited or too happy, a hugh let down follows afterwards when we think of our Child is in heaven.. I struggle with that one...I need to find a happy medium... Which I\'ve always had trouble with a balanced life, lol...Some day you will look back at it and say Wow, I can\'t believe how far I\'ve come... I know by experience.. I notice when our mind tires us our bodies follow and that is when we get our lows.... Learned that too...Yup UGH! SIGH!!! Heart Hugs, Kelly
None of us did, or didn\'t do, anything that made us deserve to lose our children. We are not being punished, though I know it feels like that sometimes. We are not horrible moms, our kids were not bad kids....neither where they so good that \"god called them home because only the good die young\"! As hard and horrible as it is, death of the flesh is part of the human experience....even for babies, small children, young adults, and every single age there is. We don\'t like it, we scream and curse the unfairness of it all, when in honesty, \"fair\" has nothing to do with it.
I can\'t change what happened at 10 pm on Jan 2, 2007.....couldn\'t have changed it then, sure as heck can\'t change it now. What I can change, what I must change, is how Teri lives with the truth that this horrible, horrible, horrible death of her child is a small part of the bigger picture; HUGE to me...nothing more horrible than losing a child!, and yet, when I allow myself to accept the fact that our human experiences are small in comparison to our complete experiences, I can change my reaction to the action. I can change my attitude. I can change my today and my tomorrow by allowing myself, demanding myself, to do the things which bring about the most healthy healing of my broken heart possible.
I have no answers for you. I can only seek and find MY answers. Maybe I\'m fooling myself. Maybe I\'ve brainwashed myself. If so, so be it....it\'s why I survive......it\'s the reason I can live in joy while my Kala is in Paradise. It\'s the KNOWING deep in my soul that Kala IS, that allows me to BE. Yes, I cry still at certain memories or thoughts or photo\'s....I always will. But, I made a choice....and for me, that\'s it.....a choice....and my choice is to believe my child IS and is happy and vibrant and full and fulfilled and learning and growing and doing and being.....on a different spiritual level of existence than I am, but OH so much more than I am! With this so deeply rooted in me, I cannot fall into that black pit ever again. I will never forget it\'s location, nor will I forget what it was like when I was in that pit, but my focus is no longer the pit.....my focus is living a life in such a manner that I know that I know that I know, Kala is proud of her momma.
I think I \"turned a corner\" when I was finally able to stop saying I was doing this or that without my child, and I began fully understanding the power of inviting Kala to join me still in my life\'s adventures. I do NOTHING without my child! Please know I understand the difference of not being able to physically touch my child....and it SUCKS! I HATE IT! But that one part of my reality cannot, and should not, keep me from all the other parts of my reality which bring me joy and peace and love. And the most important reality to me is, Kala IS!
I think we all need a holiday from \"life\" from time to time. And I think \"thinking\" time is good and can be very healing, but you do have to...and CAN....control how far your thoughts, your inner voice, takes you down a path which is not healing. You can say things to yourself which will bring about healing, and you can tell yourself things which bring further pain. I\'ve done both....we all do both. But what I try to do when my inner voice starts down a dark road of negativity is to put my thoughts into Kala\'s voice. I imagine her saying those exact words......like \"I\'m being punished because I was not a good enough mom\".....I imagine Kala telling me, \"You are being punished because you were not a good enough mom\"....and I LISTEN to those words......no, I LISTEN to the energy of those words....and immediately I hear NO! NO! NO! NO! It is a lie! It is not the truth! It is pain masking itself in blame and blame is NOT Kala.....Lies are not Kala....and punishment is not Kala.....nor is punishment Spirit.
We\'ve all heard \"go toward the light\" in reference to our last moments on this earth. I say we should live a life daily in which we are focused on \"the light\". To me, the light is Kala\'s love.....and love energy from all sources. It\'s hard to remain in darkness when focused on the Light of LOVE energy.
There\'s no quick or easy \"fix\" to our pain. There\'s no 1, 2, 3 steps to \"get there\"....but there IS healing. Slowly, painfully, with lots of ups, downs, and sideways moments, but there IS healing!
Listen to Randy speaking to your heart.....believe him....and live in the light of the love he sends you each and every day! He\'s thinks your \"all that\" and so much more! He adores you and wants only to see your beautiful face smiling...though he understands the tears. He laughs when you laugh. He smiles when you smile. He sings when you sing. He experiences adventure when you do. He travels when you do. He IS with you every moment of every day....whether you \"feel\" him or not. Let him comfort you and guide you onto and into your next great adventure on planet earth with great excitement and joy.
If I\'ve shared anything that helps, soak it in. If not, disregard or delete and ignore. YOUR truth will resonate with you, just as my truth resonates with me.
Tightest of heart hugs dear friend and much love to you and Randy Lee!
Even after years the feelings & emotions can come crashing down. When they do.... along comes anger, exhaustion & perhaps even depression. I am so sorry you are having a difficult time again & I wish I could hug away all your pain. You do not deserve this, none of us deserve it.
When you said you lose yourself in your work in order to deal with your emotions, I can relate.....as I tend to lose myself in things too. Sometimes it is just easier not to deal with the painful feelings. My therapist is helping me to realize it\'s extremely important that we do things to take care of ourselves. We have been damaged emotionally by the trauma of losing our child, we need healing. Especially those of us who are caregivers. We are so skilled at caring for others, if we would only apply some of that care to ourself.
I\'ve only been in contact with you a short time & you are not a horrible person.
I hope writing these journals helps you release some of your emotional pain. Please come here anytime for support & encouragement because we are on this journey with you. We are holding your hand & your heart, we care.
Along with coming here, if you ever want to private message me, please feel free to do so. I usually check in regularly. Hang in there my dear sister of the heart......Many loving hugs.....Vicki
Thank you all - I was asked once \"how I got over losing Randy Lee\" and I just sort of did a half \"you\'re a fool\" smirk and said \"when it happens I\'ll let you know\" . That was a supervisor at the time - one obviously who was in the wrong career path. I worked for years in our school system as a 1 on 1 for the so called \"problem kids\". Loved the work, loved the challenge and knowing that with a little care, these kids were not toss aways simply because they didn\'t fit into the norm of a classroom. I felt like I taught the actual teachers more about tolerance, patience and we are all different than I ever did for the kids. They knew who they were. I tried really hard to go back to work after Randy Lee died but I just didn\'t have my heart there. That\'s a job you have to love to do it well. I truly feel I was led to where I am today. It all fell into place at the perfect time and now I work with adults who have mental illness and in some cases, that along with addiction issues. I know Randy\'s struggle gives me insight some may not have, a view that others are blind to and passion knowing that I may just be the one person who makes a difference to that other person. It\'s both rewarding and challenging. It\'s frustrating and joyous - it\'s an emotional rollercoaster at times and at others, it\'s very calming to know you helped. It\'s easy to lose yourself in that work -- it\'s easy to let it get to you but I know one thing .... God placed me there for a reason. I was led here and while I know I don\'t make a difference to all of those who cross paths, I have for some. I do this to honor my son. When he struggled, self medicated and just couldln\'t put a finger on why he felt different - I do my best not to allow another know that pain. I help them find their path and support them until they are able to walk it alone.
I\'d like to say my \"funk\" has cleared but it hasn\'t. It\'s not as bad today - who knows about tomorrow. Writing helps -- sort of just lets out what I have bottled up. I do appreciate all the support and encouragement.
Hugs to all .