another day..tired of being me.
Well the heart monitoring period has ended. Basically the continued problems they do not feel is dangerous...mostly annoying. I am to try and end my caffeine and nicotene addictions and change allergy meds and see if that improves the symptoms. If not, they may control with medication. Another pill to take...oh joy.
Things with the boyfriend are completely up and down. I never know from one day to the next if he will be sober or not.
Thursday, two days before my bday he decided to pick a fight by claiming that I was texting someone and hiding it by flipping to a game on my phone whenever he came in the room.
One minute he's bbq'ing dinner...the next it's there you go and he storms off to the back of the house. I follow and ask what is wrong. He says I need to thing about who I really want to be with...I am obviously confused and say what the hell are you talking about?
He says..who were you texting right now....ummmm my Mom you dumb ass. So he says yeah right and closes the door in my face and we go silent for two whole days. I think the only reason he gave in is because he had told some of my friends what he was doing for my birthday and they would think he was an ass if he did not follow through. Even then, there is no discussion or apology.
So on my birthday he tells me to get ready and it's a surprise but to wear jeans and take a long sleeve shirt. He takes me to Monterrey for the day and although it is foggy and 58 all day he remembers my sweatshirt and we play in the tide pools for a while and then have lunch and walk cannery row before heading back to the valley. (already the gray was getting to me and I was super happy to be back in the sunshine.)
My boss, the one eyed Nazi has turned in her retirement notice of 30 days this week. The company has not decided what they will do about it but assure me I will still have a job even if they outsource the IT. Strangely I not that upset about it. However, since she will be leaving at the end of August adjusting my schedule for the class I wanted to take this semester is out of the question. ....which means they plan on putting me back to all day fridays. I have not decided if I am going to go along with this or not.
All along we have kind of been looking at places to buy near my mom. an acre with a mobile is pretty damn cheap in Arizona right now. Last night he said if we find the right place maybe you go on ahead even though we are not ready for 4 years and we do the long distance thing again. I am not sure how I feel about any of it.
On days when he is drinking or accuses me of cheating I think I am done and just want to go back to AZ but when I start to picture being without him I start to panic. It is no longer because I cannot make it on my own. I have already proven that I can when I moved out last year. Some days I just wish that I did not love him so much.
My real father sent me flowers for my birthday. A big bouquet that must have cost a pretty penny. I know he sends them with the best of intentions but all I can think about is the two dozen pink roses he sent for my 16th birthday when I was working at Taco Bell and giving my mom my check so we could maybe survive another week. I threw those roses in the garbage back then and told my mom...I can't eat them and I can't wear them...so what good are they?
In the meantime I have had a stomach all day...just enough to make me borderline anxiety
Clearly I am not journaling enough since so much has come spilling out here. I have begun trying not to journal when he is home because he sees it as another secret I am keeping where I might be potentially having "cheating" relationships. I tried to explain that it is a private place for me to vent more than something I am keeping a secret.
Things are so muddled I hardly know how to begin to process all of it.
Things with the boyfriend are completely up and down. I never know from one day to the next if he will be sober or not.
Thursday, two days before my bday he decided to pick a fight by claiming that I was texting someone and hiding it by flipping to a game on my phone whenever he came in the room.
One minute he's bbq'ing dinner...the next it's there you go and he storms off to the back of the house. I follow and ask what is wrong. He says I need to thing about who I really want to be with...I am obviously confused and say what the hell are you talking about?
He says..who were you texting right now....ummmm my Mom you dumb ass. So he says yeah right and closes the door in my face and we go silent for two whole days. I think the only reason he gave in is because he had told some of my friends what he was doing for my birthday and they would think he was an ass if he did not follow through. Even then, there is no discussion or apology.
So on my birthday he tells me to get ready and it's a surprise but to wear jeans and take a long sleeve shirt. He takes me to Monterrey for the day and although it is foggy and 58 all day he remembers my sweatshirt and we play in the tide pools for a while and then have lunch and walk cannery row before heading back to the valley. (already the gray was getting to me and I was super happy to be back in the sunshine.)
My boss, the one eyed Nazi has turned in her retirement notice of 30 days this week. The company has not decided what they will do about it but assure me I will still have a job even if they outsource the IT. Strangely I not that upset about it. However, since she will be leaving at the end of August adjusting my schedule for the class I wanted to take this semester is out of the question. ....which means they plan on putting me back to all day fridays. I have not decided if I am going to go along with this or not.
All along we have kind of been looking at places to buy near my mom. an acre with a mobile is pretty damn cheap in Arizona right now. Last night he said if we find the right place maybe you go on ahead even though we are not ready for 4 years and we do the long distance thing again. I am not sure how I feel about any of it.
On days when he is drinking or accuses me of cheating I think I am done and just want to go back to AZ but when I start to picture being without him I start to panic. It is no longer because I cannot make it on my own. I have already proven that I can when I moved out last year. Some days I just wish that I did not love him so much.
My real father sent me flowers for my birthday. A big bouquet that must have cost a pretty penny. I know he sends them with the best of intentions but all I can think about is the two dozen pink roses he sent for my 16th birthday when I was working at Taco Bell and giving my mom my check so we could maybe survive another week. I threw those roses in the garbage back then and told my mom...I can't eat them and I can't wear them...so what good are they?
In the meantime I have had a stomach all day...just enough to make me borderline anxiety
Clearly I am not journaling enough since so much has come spilling out here. I have begun trying not to journal when he is home because he sees it as another secret I am keeping where I might be potentially having "cheating" relationships. I tried to explain that it is a private place for me to vent more than something I am keeping a secret.
Things are so muddled I hardly know how to begin to process all of it.
Replies
It may not feel like it at times but you are making a lot of progress and learning how to live the best life possible.
Keep up the great effort and be gentle with yourself always. It is all going to come together and you are learning so much along the way.
((hugs))
I would like to believe that was true but I feel as though I am always going in circles.