Another day of abuse

BPDX was so abusive yesterday again, I really thought he was going to hit me, and he walked out eventually, because he was so mad at me, shouting and swearing, and pushing me when I tried to reason with him. He got mad for no reason. Again.
Eventually I went to sleep, and had bad dreams about him hitting me, and I must have cried, because I woke up with him holding and cuddling me (he went to sleep in the spare room again...) and he was OFFENDED when he asked what my dream was about, and I told him. He was again, blaming me and getting abusive this morning, and I came away for the spa weekend we were supposed to go to, together (booked it last month when we were still together). He was mega mad this morning, because apparently I got up 6-ish, went to the bathroom, came back and he tried to cuddle me, and I said to him something like 'get off me and never touch me again'. I swear I do no remember this at all. I vaguely remember going to the bathroom, but definitely don't recall saying anything to him at all!! He was totally mad at me and I apologised but told him that I do not remember saying anything at all. I feel like I'm going crazy!!
I ate humble pie, apologised for something I do not recall (I don't drink or take sleeping pills either, so it can't be that. Am I going crazy??? I do talk in my sleep, and don't remember dreams, he knows this but still went mad at me and said he's 'never been this hurt') and asked him to calm down and move on, and come with me to the Spa weekend, dispite last night's events, but he just carried on being abusive and cruel; I think he got a kick out of 'rejecting' me.

I just feel so fed up. He keeps saying to me (when he is 'normal') that he will go back to Texas and get therapy to 'unfuck' himself, and if he succeeds, hopefully we can be together. That he only wants me. This just gives me (I think, FALSE) hope, and keeps me in a limbo. Yet he swears this is what he is gonna do, and it sounds so believable.

I just keep hoping that he'll stop being abusive, that he can, but he has zero control over his behaviour. I see him now as a weak man, who wants to control others, but can't even control himself. I want to help him feel empowered, so he knows he gas a choice, but he just goes mad.

Maybe I should make the decisions now; focus on my own recover, spend all that healing effort on myself, and let him deal with his own shit. I'm feeling angry; spent all this time with trying to help him and he just threw it back in my face. :-(

Replies

vanillabeane
vanillabeane

You do not desevr that abuse! Yes, focus on you.
((hugs))
goingup
goingup

So he physically pushed you? Shame on him! That is horrible. I\'m getting the impression here that he is getting worse since the breakup? Am I right? How dare he lay his hand on you! It seems like he wants to get mad at every single little thing he can. As you said, to control you. To make you feel powerless and weak so you won\'t get away. Maybe so you will question the breakup?
How much longer is he there with you? Its only a few more weeks til you move right? And the sleeping thing to me is nonsense. If you don\'t remember doing something, then you didn\'t do it. You are perfectly sane and you weren\'t drunk or on drugs. Do you normally have memory problems? Probably not. I think he\'s just again, trying to get mad over every little thing, even things you didn\'t even do!! He just wants an excuse to be mad, it seems.

I SO relate on having these guys just throw back all the help we tried to give them in our face. Same thing here. We can\'t get that time back, its just in the garbage. We made a mistake but we don\'t need to go back there.

Overall, I can see you are resisting him and you are standing strong in your decision for the breakup...its so hard and I\'m so proud of you for standing your ground.

Best wishes...stay strong :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

http://www.obgyn.net/young-woman/young-woman.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart1
Amazon07
Amazon07

Thanks for the link Susy, massively helped!!! ARGHHHHHHH, so angry!!

Vanilla, thanks for the support!

Goingup, he didn\'t hit me just pushed me; my fault really, he wanted to storm out (as usual, he shouts a lot of horrible things to me and swears at me, but if I start to talk, he wants to walk out, usually making condescending remarks as he does so, and that infuriates me!). I know I should NEVER stop him for my own safety! It\'s just so hard; he totally disregards me and makes me feel like nothing. Like my feelings don\'t matter and he can treat me however badly he wants. So I triedto block his way and he pushed me out of the way.

I will NEVER question my break up with him, just wich I could move out quicker!! The 1st weekend of June is my aim, hope it\'ll happen!! He still wants to string me along saying that I\'m the only woman he wants to be with and that he\'ll get himself sorted, but he is not doing anything really, just making all these promises and not delivering. Words and actions don\'t match up. He says he knows what he needs to do but when it comes to it, he just can\'t do it. What a shit copout???!! If I want to do something or I want to change something about myself, I decide on it and when I have the opportunity, I do it. He doesn\'t. And he blames me for shouting on me and swearing at me. Yes, any excuse to be mad at me will do for him. If there is no reason (and there isn\'t; I\'m so patient, kind and loving to him), he\'ll create one. The way I looked at him, the way I said or asked something, why I said / didn\'t say something, ANYTHING!! He is not very imaginative.

He is trying to string me along saying that he\'ll sort himself out when he\'s back to Texas (why not start now??? Any time I ask him that, he goes MAD!) and hopefully we can be together when he is OK, because he (and I quote) \'loves me so much that he doesn\'t want to put me through any more of his shit, and shout and swear at me\' and he \'doesn\'t want to uproot me from the UK and ask me to go to Texas with him and give up everything I have here, if he can\'t change his behaviour\'. WTF???

This is f*ckin insane, he is f*ckin insane!!!