Another day of abuse
BPDX was so abusive yesterday again, I really thought he was going to hit me, and he walked out eventually, because he was so mad at me, shouting and swearing, and pushing me when I tried to reason with him. He got mad for no reason. Again.
Eventually I went to sleep, and had bad dreams about him hitting me, and I must have cried, because I woke up with him holding and cuddling me (he went to sleep in the spare room again...) and he was OFFENDED when he asked what my dream was about, and I told him. He was again, blaming me and getting abusive this morning, and I came away for the spa weekend we were supposed to go to, together (booked it last month when we were still together). He was mega mad this morning, because apparently I got up 6-ish, went to the bathroom, came back and he tried to cuddle me, and I said to him something like 'get off me and never touch me again'. I swear I do no remember this at all. I vaguely remember going to the bathroom, but definitely don't recall saying anything to him at all!! He was totally mad at me and I apologised but told him that I do not remember saying anything at all. I feel like I'm going crazy!!
I ate humble pie, apologised for something I do not recall (I don't drink or take sleeping pills either, so it can't be that. Am I going crazy??? I do talk in my sleep, and don't remember dreams, he knows this but still went mad at me and said he's 'never been this hurt') and asked him to calm down and move on, and come with me to the Spa weekend, dispite last night's events, but he just carried on being abusive and cruel; I think he got a kick out of 'rejecting' me.
I just feel so fed up. He keeps saying to me (when he is 'normal') that he will go back to Texas and get therapy to 'unfuck' himself, and if he succeeds, hopefully we can be together. That he only wants me. This just gives me (I think, FALSE) hope, and keeps me in a limbo. Yet he swears this is what he is gonna do, and it sounds so believable.
I just keep hoping that he'll stop being abusive, that he can, but he has zero control over his behaviour. I see him now as a weak man, who wants to control others, but can't even control himself. I want to help him feel empowered, so he knows he gas a choice, but he just goes mad.
Maybe I should make the decisions now; focus on my own recover, spend all that healing effort on myself, and let him deal with his own shit. I'm feeling angry; spent all this time with trying to help him and he just threw it back in my face. :-(
Eventually I went to sleep, and had bad dreams about him hitting me, and I must have cried, because I woke up with him holding and cuddling me (he went to sleep in the spare room again...) and he was OFFENDED when he asked what my dream was about, and I told him. He was again, blaming me and getting abusive this morning, and I came away for the spa weekend we were supposed to go to, together (booked it last month when we were still together). He was mega mad this morning, because apparently I got up 6-ish, went to the bathroom, came back and he tried to cuddle me, and I said to him something like 'get off me and never touch me again'. I swear I do no remember this at all. I vaguely remember going to the bathroom, but definitely don't recall saying anything to him at all!! He was totally mad at me and I apologised but told him that I do not remember saying anything at all. I feel like I'm going crazy!!
I ate humble pie, apologised for something I do not recall (I don't drink or take sleeping pills either, so it can't be that. Am I going crazy??? I do talk in my sleep, and don't remember dreams, he knows this but still went mad at me and said he's 'never been this hurt') and asked him to calm down and move on, and come with me to the Spa weekend, dispite last night's events, but he just carried on being abusive and cruel; I think he got a kick out of 'rejecting' me.
I just feel so fed up. He keeps saying to me (when he is 'normal') that he will go back to Texas and get therapy to 'unfuck' himself, and if he succeeds, hopefully we can be together. That he only wants me. This just gives me (I think, FALSE) hope, and keeps me in a limbo. Yet he swears this is what he is gonna do, and it sounds so believable.
I just keep hoping that he'll stop being abusive, that he can, but he has zero control over his behaviour. I see him now as a weak man, who wants to control others, but can't even control himself. I want to help him feel empowered, so he knows he gas a choice, but he just goes mad.
Maybe I should make the decisions now; focus on my own recover, spend all that healing effort on myself, and let him deal with his own shit. I'm feeling angry; spent all this time with trying to help him and he just threw it back in my face. :-(
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