anniversary week
a week away from the third anniversary of youngest son's death. eldest son has been rattling the lines for more grand solutions to his homeless discomforts, but my heart hears him responding to that same anniversary. i have zero proof that his brother's death meant anything whatsoever to him, but my heart wants to interpret his latest batch of requests as an expression of sorts. maybe. for sure i don't want to believe that he is callous enough to simply not care nor foolish enough to think that yet another handout of material goods will make his life as perfect as he knows himself to be. of course nobody else has anything in their lives but catering to his handicap on his unpredictable terms.
reminding myself that i don't know what is in eldest son's head. . .
i grieve the fact that we are not grieving his only brother's death together. . . i grieve that he has shown no interest, whatsoever, in the welfare of his orphaned neices and nephew. . . i grieve the fact that he shows me only greed and hate. . . even if i satisfy the greed, the effort will win me only further declarations of his hate. nothing personal. this 42 year old rat sasser is an equal opportunity hater. hate defines his life.
i may be grieving both of my sons simultaneously, but? ? ? the two bodies of grief are radically different. methinks i need to leave this entry about the grief triggered by eldest son's latest handout request.
processing. . .
Replies
I am so sorry arfie. You are a wonderful person and this is a doubly trying time for you.
Sending big hug and comfort for your frustration, hurt and burden.
I've met someone who couldn't own their life like your 42 year old. At one time I also had my
demons like that.
It's his illness talking that he currently can't step up, see himself and take ownership or responsibility for.
I will pray for him. I think not giving in again (as it will only add fuel to the fire like you said)
is the right way to go. He definitely needs to find god, or a higher power or comradery to learn
to mitigate his own personal frustrations and feelings with a rationality as well as effective self care.
To see that we are all fumbling with that...
So that he comes close to solving his own problems rather than asking and abusing your good
parental nature.
I am aslo very sorry for the sad anniversary this is. I can see how having both sons to deal with in this time
way could so bring on a melancholia and anger.
I will pray for your passed son, his wife and the kids as well.
You have extraordinary fortitude and wisdom.
Peace to you and your husband.
M
I hope I didn't overstep the boundary here. Sending peace and condolences.
((((Arfie)))))
Here with you amiga listening. I was just thinking about you before since it’s September
I’m going to keep lighting candles & saying prayers
Gentle hug <3
overstepping boundaries, grasshopper? ? ? to the contrary, i am happy dancing to see you opening up so far and enunciating yourself with the compassion and wisdom i have long sensed in you.
i can accept that my eldest son is so severely handicapped that he cannot be expected to care for himself, but must also accept that his handicap isnae an excuse for his violence and abuse, especially since the arrival of the foster children he isnae competent enough to care about.
for both better AND worse, my two sons belong together, as brothers. i cannae greave the hateful son and the departed son in the same sentiments, but. . . i cannae seem to think of one without the other. at present, my eldest son is too handicapped to think of anyone but himself, but i remain rather convinced that the gimme list was his way of showing that he, too, is feeling the anniversary of his brother's death.
thank you, missy. open ear, candles and prayers deeply appreciated and even more needed.
note
the most recent gimme list was actually sent to his father, but we share information, whether eldest son approves or not.
peace arfie.
today has been a grief day for me. my two lost sons remain distinctly separate, but i have been losing the battle to not compare. perhaps it no longer matters. they are both gone and immune to the comparisons. the comparing matters only in the anguished beat of my heart, nothing is clear there. one approach hurts as badly as another and not a lick of it makes much sense.
youngest son was gentle, loving and compassionate, but he was homeless with 3 young children in protective custody at the time of his death. on wall street, he was an even gnarlier deadbeat than his self-absorbed brother. at least elder son wasnae working to pass his dysfunctions on to a next generation. still, he was working harder than anyone i had ever witnessed to be a better parent and get his children back. his wife seemed to be working equally hard, but? ? ? different thread. . . i wasnae connected enough to feel her absence much. if i wasnae raising her children, i wouldnae of noticed her absence much. the children notice her absence every day and honoring her memory isnae much more than a courtesy for their sakes. i am grateful i knew her well enough to give them an honest image of their mother. they donae need to know that she called me, "monster-in-law" and i called her, "dumber-in-law."
i amnae expecting any of this to make sense. just processing. . .
note
i am plying mindfulness tools to this grief in order to remain functional for the crew members of this little ship of fools. i shared with hubby over morning coffee, but i believe the children are safely protected from these meanderings.
Arfie, you are a beautiful grandmother and mom. So proud of how you are raising the little ones. BIG HUG for these extremely hard times.
thank you, mel.
is it weird that the mom and grandmother roles are fighting like stereotypical mil/dil's? or that the grand stereotypes are hitting us all like harsh reminders of just how much we have lost when we buried mommy and daddy? we miss those grand relations which were only possible with the middle generation at the reigns.
dunno. . . sorting. . .
when talking with other adults, i've been far more comfortable calling the children, "my foster kids." it describes the relationship far more accurately than the grandparent stereotypes. my heart can't take another round of choosing where to smile sweetly while i cry inside or enlighten the well-intentioned stranger on the daggers they are twisting in my heart. real gmas have parents they can hand the freshly spoiled children back to after a grand visit.
I know you are suffering and how distressful the situation with both types of losses are for you. Both losses are a huge whammy on the heart. Lately I have been running into other parents with one adult child has died and the other has estranged and they simply don't know how to process all the loss. Or their spouse died and then the single adult child they had dumps them, estranges. I think I am running into these people because my own ambiguous loss has been eating me alive on and off for months.
Have you heard of projection, would it help to consider that the estranged son is doing projection on you. That means he projects his faults upon you, blames you, because he can't deal with his own emotional or psychological or substance abuse issues. We sink when we take on their problems and try to fix them but you already know this. We have to be really really strong inside when others project onto us so we can avoid our own sinking into self blame over what they say about us.
I keep thinking to the ambiguous loss stuff and how acceptance of my situation is the route to healing. But some days, we just mourn and want what we can't have. I am trying my best to turn my thoughts to those that do love me and want me in their lives. I am not always successful but my goal is managing what I can control and knowing what I can't.
I am thinking of you today and this week.
PS: It makes total sense to me what you feel and what you wrote. Please know how much you are appreciated and valued here on DS.
thank you, fellow gardener. when navigating psychic fogs, it is hard to know what does or doesnae make sense. in larger fact, not a lick of this follows any logic i can find in my own head. insert mark twain here. . . "of course fact is stranger than fiction. fiction is obliged to make sense." i have been formally and under professional guidance resisting the urge to psychoanalyze my 42 year old son for decades now. the simple fact i am emphasizing in my heart is that the facts of **his** psyche arenae available to me.
should i formally validate the dual grieving? it be youngest son's death anniversary which looms over this week. the psychotic wonder of which of my sons died first didnae arise until the funeral. i donae remember the date of the funeral, but i am certain it was a week or three after the accident. at least for this morning, letting them share the anniversary feels appropriate. it still hurts like a father fuck, but the healing feels like it is in the process.
If you need to formally validate the death anniversary, do it. If you feel like you can stop, that is okay too. As far as the estrangement, many parents do grieve on the anniversary of the cut off if they know that date. I don't but mine is so off and on. It's off with both adult daughters right now and holidays coming up. I decided to take a break thinking about it until after the new year. I can't go through the holidays grieving for GC I don't know.
how lucky you are to be able to logically decide and have your heart comply to such simple and reasonable plans. alas, i don't have that gift. there was a time when i thought i did, but ? ? ? the meanest lies in the world are the ones i tell myself.
i often wish my heart would follow the agendas of logic and society. alas, my heart has a mind of its own and it goes where it goes. the harder i work at trying to get it to follow a logical agenda, the meaner and louder my intrusive thoughts get. these days i go where my heart leads me and **simply** process what it shows me. the processing still hurts like a father fuck, but the sooner begun, the sooner done and the sooner i can get back to the good stuff.
this morning finds me arguing with the version of eldest son who lives in my head. the convos are resumptions of real time convos which have fallen into the awkward silences of estrangement over how i should run my finances and how easily i should be able to accommodate his staggering, ever-changing, fine print intensive list of special needs, etc., etc. the only new item on that dangling list is the three orphans. i feel confident i can expect as much expertise on that item as he has on financial portfolios and the fact that my life goes on while he is busy isolating.
it is beginning to look real that hubs is finally ready to let go of the urban homestead, aka, the toxic mom throne. i am the most plausible candidate to get the house ready for selling. the property sits in an insanely fashionable zip code, so it is entirely possible that we can sell the place as is and let the new owners clean up the mess, but the contents of the house rate at least a surface inventory and reckoning. at the very least, there are some items of personal value.
eldest son's homeless life is still within the city where he was born 42 years ago. the same city which holds the urban homestead. do i tell him i will be in the neighborhood? from where i sit this morning, it is hard to imagine a pleasant visit.
It may sound easy for me to be logical but this estrangement crap started probably 15 years ago or more for me. The seeds of parental alienation got planted. So I've been experiencing this loss so long and my body and soul are saying let it be. The one daughter came back with huge promises of reconnection last year and now it is silence. They loved me last year but not this year? The roller coaster ride is making me sick and tired, tired and sick. I can only let it be with a plan of action. I have to have a goal or I wallow in self pity. That is just how I am.
We don't have to give our estranged adult children any personal information about us if they have cut out all contact. I might suggest you not tell him until you are totally moved out. So that any problems he might create are not given a chance to get started. Unless he has junk at that house that he might want to keep. I realize he is homeless so you might have to store it for him if you so chose to do. When people estrange, they are saying I don't want to be in the family any longer or I don't want YOU to be in my family any longer. Some estrangers come in and out, mad at times, wanting contact at times. We get to decide if this is healthy for us or not. We parents are not punching bags. Sometimes we can try to talk it out, and we can have compassion and empathy for their brain health disorders. The brain health disorders and substance abuse are huge in the estrangement world. Compassion and empathy, not arguing with the irrational one, but also don't allow the unhappiness of your unhappy adult child to make you unhappy. Their estrangement can't control our lives or we sink into depression and self criticism. It is taking back our happiness and creating a good enough life.
BTW, I send you a message on this portal.