anniversary week
a week away from the third anniversary of youngest son's death. eldest son has been rattling the lines for more grand solutions to his homeless discomforts, but my heart hears him responding to that same anniversary. i have zero proof that his brother's death meant anything whatsoever to him, but my heart wants to interpret his latest batch of requests as an expression of sorts. maybe. for sure i don't want to believe that he is callous enough to simply not care nor foolish enough to think that yet another handout of material goods will make his life as perfect as he knows himself to be. of course nobody else has anything in their lives but catering to his handicap on his unpredictable terms.
reminding myself that i don't know what is in eldest son's head. . .
i grieve the fact that we are not grieving his only brother's death together. . . i grieve that he has shown no interest, whatsoever, in the welfare of his orphaned neices and nephew. . . i grieve the fact that he shows me only greed and hate. . . even if i satisfy the greed, the effort will win me only further declarations of his hate. nothing personal. this 42 year old rat sasser is an equal opportunity hater. hate defines his life.
i may be grieving both of my sons simultaneously, but? ? ? the two bodies of grief are radically different. methinks i need to leave this entry about the grief triggered by eldest son's latest handout request.
processing. . .
Replies
i believe i need to take most of the credit for cutting the ties. i only set boundaries on the verbal/physical abuse, supporting him financially and taking his orders. that was all there has been to the relationship for a very long time. i cannot remember the last time he even **wanted** personal information about me or anybody else in the world. his is a very small world. population one.
i've toured the rivers on two continents, bought my own pirate's den, restored a farm (works still in progress) and taken on 3 young orphans during the decades eldest son has been developing his middle aged lifestyle while processing the grief within my therapy support network. some days are more balanced than others, but maintaining a balance is an ongoing proposition, whatever the elements you are balancing.
i am still undecided, but i donae believe i will bother telling him we are selling the house. no, son, you are not entitled to a cut of the profits. you never invested a dime in the place. your contribution was/is all take and no give.