Angeldate
It is coming up on a year when I received that phone call that changed my life forever. I am forever broken. January 18th 2015 the phone rang, it was Marissa's friend Ciara telling me that Marissa and 3 of her friends had been in a bad accident and I needed to go to Barnes Jewish hospital. She told me to prepare myself, I immediately feel to the floor , that 45 minute ride felt like 45 hours. We walked in and was sent to a waiting room where a chaplain came in, I kept saying is she alive, he said yes, but...I told him I didnt want to hear BUT, the important thing is she is alive. My husband had to go confirm it was Marissa since she did not have an ID on her at the time of the accident. He walked back in with this devastated look shaking his head, it was my Marissa :( But at least she was alive I was saying over and over. I soon learned that her heart stopped beating for 12-15 minutes before the recusstitated her. She had brain trauma, blunt spinal trauma among countless other internal injuries. But I still thought at least she is alive. The next 4 days was a roller coaster of emotions. She survived a operation to repair her bladder so that gave me hope even though her brain was showing no activity and she would have been paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of her life I still had hope. Then it came down to reality, she would never breathe, go to the bathroom, walk, talk etc on her own and IF she would ever opened her eyes she wouldnt even be there and we had to make the worst decision of our lives to take her off life support. I exhausted all tests, they did everything they could. I walked out of that hospital January 23rd 2015 a different person than when I walked in. My heart has not stopped bleeding. I do believe I will be with my baby again and that itself keeps me going. I miss her with every single breathe I take and I have made a promise to her that I will find the strength to live again and make her proud.
I love you Marissa Nicole forever and will miss you until the day we are together again.
I love you Marissa Nicole forever and will miss you until the day we are together again.
Replies
My heart breaks reading your story. I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard because most of us relive the angel date over and over again especially around the anniversary. Our hearts never do stop bleeding completely. There is always that longing and missing...
It has been six years since our son passed, and it is a bit better, not as raw, but it is still hard and there are very few hours where something does not remind me of him. I too believe I will be with him again and hope to make him proud by living fully.
Marissa is forever loved here, as are you. Thank you for finding the courage to share Marissa\'s story with us. May her angel date be gentle on your heart and soul!
Sending love,
Leda
Oh my dear. My heart hurts for you. I can so relate to your comment \"at least she\'s alive\". I too kept hoping, hope on hope that Lisa would wake up. I am a nurse so I knew in my head that there was no hope but not in my heart.
We live to honor our daughters. Gradually I began to feel joy without guilt. But the broken heart will never really heal.
Wishing you a gentle Angel Day.
Love and tight hugs, M
Hoping that Marissa\'s angel day is as peaceful as possible for you. Remember that you have sisters here who are thinking of your daughter & you.
Love & Hugs,
Donna
Thank you for sharing your tragic truth. Making the decision to take Marissa off life support, while absolutely the right thing to do, must\'ve been the most devastating choice a parent should never have to make. I am so glad you have the belief that you will see your precious child again. Please, hold on to that.
You are so early on in this life long journey. You, and I are so very fortunate to have this amazing group of Moms walking with us.
I will hold you close in my heart as the date nears. Please know I too am struggling as the 3rd year without my son Jason is on the 25th.
Tightest of hugs, Merrilee
A terrible loss happened to you. I am so very sorry. We do not recover and remain mourners in some way for the rest of our lives. I\'m six years down the road, and can enjoy other people\'s happiness, their new babies and loves. But the ache of missing my boy stays strong. Love to you and know you are not alone, keep writing, you are one of us, sisters of the heart. Abby
From one Marissa\'s Mom to another, I understand as it will be 10 years my girl is gone this February. WE honor them by living as best as possible. Wishing you some peace. Kathy
Such a tragic time dear Angie... Making that decision is one of the most gut wrenching ones that anyone ever has to make and for a parent it is absolutely unbearable. That feeling that they will open their eyes, look at you and say that it was all just a horrible nightmare is what I kept wishing for too. Deepest of sighs...
Our lives are forever changed and what we wouldn\'t give to have our children back by our sides loving them as we do.
These are tender days my friend so just take them one moment at a time and know that you are surrounded in loving care.
Heartfelt (((hugs))) of care and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
I am so very sorry. How painful a decision that must have been....Tight hugs, Linda
I am so sorry. I remember also saying that at least he\'s alive when I heard my son was in a car accident -- only to have that hope later dashed when he didn\'t ultimately survive. Such a horrendous rollercoaster that we both had to go through. I am thinking of you and Marissa, even though I am late in seeing this and remembering Marissa. Hugs, Laura
What a painful decision that had to be. I can still hear my daughter-in-law saying they had decided to DNR. At first it didn\'t register with me what they were saying. I was in shock, but she and Jeff and the doctors made the decision. My heart just breaks for you...
Hugs to you,
Nell
So heartbreaking. I so admire you for being determined to find the strength to live and make your daughter proud! That\'s what your beautiful girl would want. Much love. Robin