...And then later the light-bulb went off
I feel like total crap today. I was having some heart racing last night and chose to go to bed early. I have not really slept well in the last week and I am feeling it for sure. Tuesday night when I left work to go to class I texted my boyfriend that I didn't believe I would be very late since I was planning on getting out of lab as soon as I could.
The lab is a joke. The machines the college has in there are all locked down with deepfreeze so that every time they reboot they are back to the beginning. Now if this beginning included all the software required to run our online textbook and build these crazy youtube videos my instructor requires that would be fine but it does not and I get tired of re-installing every time I get into lab. Their tech services people are lazy and do not care about the actual needs of the class.
We actually got out of lecture early and so I got into the lab almost 20 minutes ahead of schedule. So..I stayed until he put the participation code on the board and then I texted that I was on my way home.
This is not the first time that I have arrived home early on tuesday nights and had the feeling that he was mad at me for being home early and not entirely happy to see me.
The look of his eyes suggested he had been drinking but he was not showing any other signs such as slurred speech. Later when I got the chance alone I looked in the garage fridge and no surprise there is more beer in the fridge again.
After a while he said he was irritated that I could not let him know I would be early so he could start dinner. I told him I had sent him two texts when I was leaving...which he said he did not receive.
I showed him the outgoing messages so that he could see I had let him know when I was leaving. ...later on is when it hit me....the light-bulb finally went off. He was mad because he thought I was purposely not letting him know when I was on my way. He thought I was trying to sneak in and catch him drinking....he had a guilty conscience. It's funny how you sometimes have sudden realizations.
I have been on the verge of an anxiety attack since I got up this morning. A friend wrote in his journal that he feels alone and not belonging anywhere. I realized reading that ...that I feel that way all the time. Even when I think the boyfriend and I are becoming closer it is just an illusion.
Partly the anxiety is from this vague dizziness that continues to bug me. Considering the allergy alert in my area is 9.8 today and my sinus headache...I am pretty sure that is where this is coming from.
It is manageable so far though so I have not taken any extra meds...that is always a good thing.
The lab is a joke. The machines the college has in there are all locked down with deepfreeze so that every time they reboot they are back to the beginning. Now if this beginning included all the software required to run our online textbook and build these crazy youtube videos my instructor requires that would be fine but it does not and I get tired of re-installing every time I get into lab. Their tech services people are lazy and do not care about the actual needs of the class.
We actually got out of lecture early and so I got into the lab almost 20 minutes ahead of schedule. So..I stayed until he put the participation code on the board and then I texted that I was on my way home.
This is not the first time that I have arrived home early on tuesday nights and had the feeling that he was mad at me for being home early and not entirely happy to see me.
The look of his eyes suggested he had been drinking but he was not showing any other signs such as slurred speech. Later when I got the chance alone I looked in the garage fridge and no surprise there is more beer in the fridge again.
After a while he said he was irritated that I could not let him know I would be early so he could start dinner. I told him I had sent him two texts when I was leaving...which he said he did not receive.
I showed him the outgoing messages so that he could see I had let him know when I was leaving. ...later on is when it hit me....the light-bulb finally went off. He was mad because he thought I was purposely not letting him know when I was on my way. He thought I was trying to sneak in and catch him drinking....he had a guilty conscience. It's funny how you sometimes have sudden realizations.
I have been on the verge of an anxiety attack since I got up this morning. A friend wrote in his journal that he feels alone and not belonging anywhere. I realized reading that ...that I feel that way all the time. Even when I think the boyfriend and I are becoming closer it is just an illusion.
Partly the anxiety is from this vague dizziness that continues to bug me. Considering the allergy alert in my area is 9.8 today and my sinus headache...I am pretty sure that is where this is coming from.
It is manageable so far though so I have not taken any extra meds...that is always a good thing.
Replies
I\'ve found that my sense of belonging is tied closely to my emotional nutrition.
If I\'m in a place where I get a few strokes, I do alright. But, I can starve to death emotionally just like anyone else.
When we are coping with illness everything is more difficult to cope with.
I hope you are feeling better very soon.
Take very good care and pace yourself --- get plenty of rest.
:-) Patricia