And Miles to go Before I sleep....
We are nearing the one year mark. However, earlier in the month I returned to Marin County, CA where we interned my mom last year with my brother who passed away in 1987 from a drunk driving accident. I was in Marin to attend my 31st HS reunion. 31st because my class didn't get it together in time for the 30th - and thank goodness, because I was in a death spiral, and wouldn't have been able to have seen and experienced those people from my childhood last year.
I have to say the past year has been the most difficult year of my entire life. And I read somewhere recently that change is always preceded by chaos. Well whom ever coined that phrase is a genius...for truer words were never written. No sooner did we rise from the fog of mortuaries, funeral, reception, memorial mass, internment and internment reception that we stood staring at each other wanting to projectile vomit in every emotional direction.
My husband had to move his business to be here in AZ since we inherited the home my mom died in as well as my developmentally disabled 51 year old eldest brother...and in so doing, lost traction in his endeavors to secure more work for the year. (But luckily we had enough money to sustain us to present time.) And I am glad he didn't have to get on with work because his presence has proven to be one of my most valuable gifts - as I have struggled miserably this year with the awful changes taking place. I say awful because the unknown to me is like meeting a stranger with whom I am very skeptical - erring on the side of distain until worn like the second skin arriving after the snake sluff's off it's first...
So as we waded in the mud of loss, my brother had his melt downs. (Since his birth he has suffered from epilepsy, cerebral palsy and his emotions fall somewhere in the autistic spectrum, which was never formally diagnosed due to the times he was born (1961))...so as I said he melted down and melted up and I had to adapt, not the other way around; after all, I was not born brain damaged and have all my tools (or so I thought). Needless to say I also suffered from bouts of extreme anxiety and depression which caused my doctor to medicate me, and I have yet to be weened - and then I have lost about 30 pounds - which has also become an obsession - one I had years ago - and as this is all happening, my 19 year old daughter moved out and decided not to go to school or live under our roof, and instead wants to pursue her own path- which is all over the place at about 97 mph...(literally the speeding ticket she recently received while driving back to CA on a weekend trip).
Then as my sobs were being echoed back to me from the blank walls in the vacant bedroom she used while in our nest - we needed to get back to CA and pack up, clean and paint and rent out our home of ten years... - Then the phone rings with the news of my best friend in NYC being hospitalized and diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer. I flew to his side, my husband and other brother readied our home for tenants. While in NYC, I received a call from my medical doctor telling me I have been diagnosed with Hemochromatosis, a rare genetic blood disorder which is like diabetes but with the processing of iron. My body and blood won't process iron, and never has, thus I must watch my diet constantly, and have phlebotomies. Upon returning to CA I went in to the dentist and he found I needed a front tooth implant. So out came my front tooth and up went the titanium screw while the movers were packing up our stuff. And to continue this laborious list, we had problems with one of the real estate agents who involved our tenants in her melt down, which caused us to hire an attorney to smooth things over for us and our tenants as we all moved forward in this process of life. Icing on this mud pie; A few days after the fourth of July, I had to put my cat of 17 years down because he was tired, old and just couldn't cope any more.
Right now, and for the last month, I have been tip toeing around still packed moving boxes all over the house here in Az. We have double everything...so in addition to boxes, there are couches, tables and chairs everywhere. My husbands office is in our bedroom, we now have five cats roaming the because my brother (the disabled one) doesn't want to get rid of a few of our mother's cats (she had four) ...and then there are all my responsibilities that I have swept under the rug while in the death spiral. My work, the bookkeeping for the business, the estate documentation, the insurance work, and the list is exhausting.
But through all this drudgery, I have come to a place in which I can sit still and thank my mom for all she was to me and my brothers and husband and daughter. I can thank God for allowing our mom to pass away so fast, thus sparing her misery and suffering and releasing us from the throws of that suffering in unison.
Earlier in the month, my husband and I stood in front of hers and my brothers final physical resting place on earth and we held on to each other. My husband and I cried and then we didn't look back as we walked up the hill to where we parked our car at the cemetery. I told him then I would not come back to her grave because, to quote my mom, "they are not there..."
Right now...I am living the lines in Robert Frosts poem , ...’But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.
Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
I have to say the past year has been the most difficult year of my entire life. And I read somewhere recently that change is always preceded by chaos. Well whom ever coined that phrase is a genius...for truer words were never written. No sooner did we rise from the fog of mortuaries, funeral, reception, memorial mass, internment and internment reception that we stood staring at each other wanting to projectile vomit in every emotional direction.
My husband had to move his business to be here in AZ since we inherited the home my mom died in as well as my developmentally disabled 51 year old eldest brother...and in so doing, lost traction in his endeavors to secure more work for the year. (But luckily we had enough money to sustain us to present time.) And I am glad he didn't have to get on with work because his presence has proven to be one of my most valuable gifts - as I have struggled miserably this year with the awful changes taking place. I say awful because the unknown to me is like meeting a stranger with whom I am very skeptical - erring on the side of distain until worn like the second skin arriving after the snake sluff's off it's first...
So as we waded in the mud of loss, my brother had his melt downs. (Since his birth he has suffered from epilepsy, cerebral palsy and his emotions fall somewhere in the autistic spectrum, which was never formally diagnosed due to the times he was born (1961))...so as I said he melted down and melted up and I had to adapt, not the other way around; after all, I was not born brain damaged and have all my tools (or so I thought). Needless to say I also suffered from bouts of extreme anxiety and depression which caused my doctor to medicate me, and I have yet to be weened - and then I have lost about 30 pounds - which has also become an obsession - one I had years ago - and as this is all happening, my 19 year old daughter moved out and decided not to go to school or live under our roof, and instead wants to pursue her own path- which is all over the place at about 97 mph...(literally the speeding ticket she recently received while driving back to CA on a weekend trip).
Then as my sobs were being echoed back to me from the blank walls in the vacant bedroom she used while in our nest - we needed to get back to CA and pack up, clean and paint and rent out our home of ten years... - Then the phone rings with the news of my best friend in NYC being hospitalized and diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer. I flew to his side, my husband and other brother readied our home for tenants. While in NYC, I received a call from my medical doctor telling me I have been diagnosed with Hemochromatosis, a rare genetic blood disorder which is like diabetes but with the processing of iron. My body and blood won't process iron, and never has, thus I must watch my diet constantly, and have phlebotomies. Upon returning to CA I went in to the dentist and he found I needed a front tooth implant. So out came my front tooth and up went the titanium screw while the movers were packing up our stuff. And to continue this laborious list, we had problems with one of the real estate agents who involved our tenants in her melt down, which caused us to hire an attorney to smooth things over for us and our tenants as we all moved forward in this process of life. Icing on this mud pie; A few days after the fourth of July, I had to put my cat of 17 years down because he was tired, old and just couldn't cope any more.
Right now, and for the last month, I have been tip toeing around still packed moving boxes all over the house here in Az. We have double everything...so in addition to boxes, there are couches, tables and chairs everywhere. My husbands office is in our bedroom, we now have five cats roaming the because my brother (the disabled one) doesn't want to get rid of a few of our mother's cats (she had four) ...and then there are all my responsibilities that I have swept under the rug while in the death spiral. My work, the bookkeeping for the business, the estate documentation, the insurance work, and the list is exhausting.
But through all this drudgery, I have come to a place in which I can sit still and thank my mom for all she was to me and my brothers and husband and daughter. I can thank God for allowing our mom to pass away so fast, thus sparing her misery and suffering and releasing us from the throws of that suffering in unison.
Earlier in the month, my husband and I stood in front of hers and my brothers final physical resting place on earth and we held on to each other. My husband and I cried and then we didn't look back as we walked up the hill to where we parked our car at the cemetery. I told him then I would not come back to her grave because, to quote my mom, "they are not there..."
Right now...I am living the lines in Robert Frosts poem , ...’But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.
Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
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