and back down again

ugh. i can be optimistic, and i can be positive. but it's so hard not to have an outlet when i'm feeling low. i'm an artist, of course, but creating can only let out so much.
 
i can't be confrontational. for one, it's not in my nature. i'm kinda shy, and i usually wait until i can't tolerate something or feel some boundary has been crossed before i make my move. mostly i just wait things out, and they usually resolve themselves. but at this moment, when i feel like i am justified in learning about bpd because i relate it to my SO's otherwise inexplicable behavior, i am mocked, and i can't do anything about it. if i confront him on this mockery, i am certain that it will lead to a huge emotional disaster that only ends up making me feel worse than it does to hold it in. i just hate that i am being made to feel foolish. it's so difficult to be in a relationship with him sometimes, but i can't tell him that, not without it being the end of the world. and today i just didn't have the energy for a fight.
 
maybe i just need to be more patient. sometimes when things are going well i think that it means they have gotten better, but the reality of our situation is that things have just spent a period of time not being bad. but it actually is progress that he acknowledged his bpd tendencies. i need to recognize this, but i feel a lot of pain. it's because i've put so much effort into understanding him and his feelings, effort that has i think done us both good, and he's playing it off like i'm mistaken.
 
i'm like a seesaw--on the one hand i can understand his reaction, on the other hand i don't know where he gets off being so pompous and selfish with his emotions. or i guess maybe i do...
i'm so bummed right now.